Don't Lose Sight
by WestCoastTrees
Summary: Clare thought she was done with boyfriends with secrets. But when she finds out that wasn't exactly true, it's Eli's worst fear that might come true.
1. I Miss My Friend

XXXXXXXXXX

"I'm gonna go back to my room, okay?" Jake said quietly as Clare raised the bed sheet over her body, because all of a sudden she desperately wanted to cover herself.

"What?" she softly asked. "No, don't go, our parents won't be back for hours," she said with a faint smile.

"Um…I'm just gonna go, okay? I'm tired and there's not a lot of room for me in your bed," Jake said, but Clare didn't like the way that that just seemed to be….an excuse.

"Jake…please stay with me. Don't leave me," Clare said, the words sounding a lot more desperate out loud than they had in her mind.

"Hey…you're okay, right?" Jake then asked as he climbed out of bed and threw his previously discarded clothes away.

"Yes," Clare confirmed with perfect confidence at once. "It was the perfect once in a lifetime moment…because it was with you," she said softly as she tried to reach for Jake, but he moved away with a sheepish smile and tried not to focus on her words.

She continued, however, as she stood up against her headboard, keeping the pink sheet tightly wrapped around her chest, "It was perfect…because it was the way I've always wanted it. With someone who will love me…forever. That's why you and I are going to be together forever, because we love each other," Clare said with a beaming smile, full of hope as she looked up at a very red-faced Jake.

"Um…I'm gonna go to my room, okay?" Jake stumbled as he ran his hand through his hair.

"Why don't I come too?" Clare asked brightly as she stood up, and the tight sheet around her body distracted Jake a bit.

"Um….I don't think-" Jake faltered as Clare moved to him and kissed him deeply.

"Was it…not good?" Clare then whispered, her entire face blushing deeply…she had only wanted to make it a good moment for Jake, and she hoped that it had been a lot better for him…than it had felt for her.

"No, it was," Jake said at once, not wanting Clare to feel like she had done anything wrong.

"So," Clare continued with a cheeky smile, "Let's go to your room. We can…we can practice. Practice makes perfect," she pointed out as she tightly hung onto Jake, wanting to make everything as good for him as was possible.

"No," Jake said categorically, grabbing Clare's hands a little abruptly and removing them from his body, pushing her a little back so she sat down on her bed, her sheet falling away from her body unintentionally, as Clare hadn't been holding it up anymore.

When it fell, it left Clare feeling nothing but embarrassed and exposed.

"Sorry," Jake said, and only now did Clare feel his awkwardness.

"It's okay," Clare replied at once as she grabbed the sheet and clung onto it so tightly that her eyes became slightly red.

"You're okay, all right?" Jake asked again.

"Jake, stop treating me like I'm a little girl," Clare said, now irritated. "I'm fine," she said, sounding more like she was trying to convince herself more than she was trying to convince Jake.

"Okay, then go back to bed," Jake instructed.

"I don't want to go back to bed," Clare pleaded, "I want to be with you. Just stay with me…okay? Just…we can just be together, or we can do something if you want. Whatever you want. Just…just…don't go anywhere," Clare said, feeling humiliated as she was standing in front of him.

"I'm going," Jake said categorically as he fixed his shirt, "I like to relax a little after, you know. Just gonna head to my balcony for a bit," he finished.

"To smoke a joint?" Clare asked, having discovered Jake's pot habit recently. He had told her that everyone did it back in his old city, and that he didn't do it much, just once here and there as a type of 'herbal refreshment' as he chose to refer to it.

"You got a problem with that?" Jake yelled at her, and Clare's surprise made her widen her eyes at how…defensive Jake had sounded.

"No," Clare quietly said. "But…but I'm asking you to stay with me…just…please…just hold me a little okay?" Clare asked again as she approached him.

"Jesus, Clare, back off a little!" Jake replied as he walked to her door. "Enough, I need some time for myself for a little!" he told her right before he did the one thing that she had asked him not to do.

He left.

He left her sitting on her bed alone as she toyed with the shiny ring on her finger. She couldn't take it off; the risk of her mom noticing was too great. But Clare felt like a fraud wearing it.

_No. It was the right thing to do,_ she told herself. _He loves me. He's said so tons of times. He's the one. Forever. I'm so glad it was with him. I'm so glad I finally found someone who makes me feel everything I've ever wanted to feel. Jake will never leave me heartbroken_, she told herself over and over again as she tossed and turned on her bed.

She didn't feel the same in her bed.

She rather felt very, very different. Something felt…different.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"_No! You're manipulating me!" _

Eli felt a cold draft invade his chest as he stood up in his bed, slightly panting. 2 minutes to stop the trembling, he told himself as he got out of bed and quietly walked through the hall to the bathroom. Walking always helped.

3:04.

_Better than last time_, he thought to himself with a sigh. Just about three more hours now, and he could get through an entire night without waking up.

Bullfrog asked the therapist about sleeping pills, but Eli knew the answer before the words even finished coming out of his dad's mouth.

"Sorry, he can't. It'll conflict with his meds," the therapist said with a sad smile.

"It's okay, dad," Eli replied with a similar sad smile that did nothing to fool his dad.

He brushed his teeth and washed his hands, leaning over the sink to sigh deeply just for a minute. It was always hard to not think about the things that he had just dreamed of….almost impossible. Especially when they were the same thing over…and over…and over again.

It wasn't the fact that school had started again just three weeks ago that precipitated them; they'd almost all but stopped for a week there, but for some reason they had come back with a fury as potent as the nights after the accident lately. Eli had no idea what made it be so, and in his honestly to himself, he recognized that he didn't even to know. He didn't need to discover any more things about himself; open the Pandora's thing even further…he was tired.

He was tired now.

Summer used to mean fun.

Daily intensive therapy wasn't fun. Not even close.

He liked his therapist; she seemed to understand him very well, and he felt like he was betraying her whenever he didn't want to go to see her at the scheduled 9am appointment time ever day.

Summer was for sleeping.

The sessions were long and difficult once they began to include other things. Oh, sure, it had started off easy enough; and he had wanted so, so much to get better. He knew that he had, but it was all a lot easier when they just focused on him.

But then she began talking about Clare…a question here and there until she took up most of his sessions.

And it left Eli sad; sad that before, he used to love talking about Clare – it was the reason Cece and Bullfrog knew so much about her before Clare's parents even knew he existed, Eli thought with a sigh as he leaned over the sink again. A sign he should have picked up on, he told himself as he shut his eyes tightly. Why did it take so long for her to tell her parents? Why introduce him…the way she did?

Eli wanted to believe that there was a time when Clare loved him; he wanted so desperately to believe that, but sometimes he could not help wondering if his warped mind had perceived her feelings to be so much more than they were at any point – and taking in recent events, he couldn't help that, as with everything in their relationship…it had more to him than to her. His mind had fooled him all through everything…it scared him, that thought, and it made his eyes red in one second.

It was a lot of pain and shame and guilt that he lived with every day, his therapist said.

He wished he could change it.

He breathed deeply and stood up straight, walking back in his black pyjama pants and grey T-shirt to his room. When he saw Bullfrog quietly emerge from the room he shared with Cece, Eli flashed his dad a small smile.

"Sorry I woke you," he said quietly.

"You didn't," Bullfrog said kindly. "You know I've got to be up now for the radio show," he explained. "Want to come with me school today?" Bullfrog asked.

"School," Eli answered with a shrug.

"Meh, why don't you take a day off today?" Bullfrog said with a smirk and a chuckle. He knew going back to school couldn't have been easy for Eli…the nightmares were much more frequent, and Bullfrog wondered how Eli could make it through the entire day…right after he came home from the radio show at noon, he was spent, but Eli…he had to make it to 3pm, and he never slept when he came home right away. The doctor had said to try to keep a normal sleep schedule if he wanted any hope of this not becoming a life-long thing. Those words had scared Eli to his very core.

Life-long.

Life-long.

Life-long.

Eli wanted nothing more than for that to not happen.

"I can't," he answered his dad in a quiet voice, though he knew that his mom always woke up when Bullfrog left, just for a bit due to the motion of her husband getting out of bed and dressed. "I have to hand in a paper in English, get my new partner for the semester, do all this crap," Eli said with a sigh.

"Oh," Bullfrog said, his tone turning serious all of a sudden. Eli felt his dad's hesitation as Bullfrog continued, "Do you think this partner might be….um….Clare?" Bullfrog asked point-blank.

"Nope," Eli answered at lightning speed, "I asked Mrs. Dawes exactly for that to not happen," Eli continued.

"Why'd you do that?" Bullfrog asked curiously.

"Because! You should see the way Clare looks at me whenever she's walking in the hallways with Jake," Eli said, referencing the only times he saw Clare these days.

"How does she look at you?" Bullfrog asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Just…just…" Eli faltered, "If looks could talk, hers would definitely say 'Don't come talk to us. Don't bother us. Don't even walk by us'…or something like that," he finally said with a sigh.

"Who's Jake?" Bullfrog asked, afraid that he already knew the answer.

"Her boyfriend-brother," Eli said quietly.

"Her what?" Bullfrog asked in confusion.

"Clare's mom married Jake's dad, and Jake is Clare's boyfriend," Eli said with another sigh.

"Oy," Bullfrog said, his face turning to a grimace at once. "Um…that's…different," he finally said. "Surprised Clare's mom allows something like that…if Clare was so scandalized at Julia living with us…sounds to me like her mom is letting her live with her boyfriend," Bullfrog said, his grimace getting bigger.

"Okay, that's enough," Eli said, and Bullfrog knew that was the signal to recompose his face. It still wasn't easy for Eli…talking about Clare…talking about Julia…and Bullfrog's heart was breaking for his son.

Bullfrog patted Eli's shoulder as he said a brief goodbye and as he walked down the stairs and got into Mustang, it was his turn to sigh.

Eli was seventeen. To Bullfrog, seventeen year olds should be sneaking into Mountain Fest with their friends, figuring out what they liked to study, and getting into some teenage trouble here and there. But not forever mourning losing their first love, and having their hearts ripped out by memories of losing the girl they imagined a future with. They shouldn't have switched schools and wake up in the middle of the night every night because their mind is not even letting them have a bit of rest…not even at night. They shouldn't be going to therapists, taking medicine day after day, not be able to have a beer on a special night with their dad…they shouldn't have it as hard as Eli had it…every minute of every day.

Bullfrog hoped it would go well for Eli at school today, as he hoped every day. But he couldn't just pretend everything would be okay for Eli all the time. He remembered high school. Kids were mean. You couldn't avoid people it hurt too much to see. Especially when they were in your English class.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Okay, just please stay quiet long enough until I can finish announcing your partner assignments," Mrs. Dawes said in frustration at her class.

"Mr. Torres – please leave Mr. Goldsworthy alone and go sit with your own partner, go sit with Mrs. Edwards," Mrs. Dawes groaned as Adam muttered a half-hearted apology and stopped talking to Eli.

"Okay, last pair, in case you haven't figured it out yourselves yet – Eli, your partner will be Katie. I trust you'll help her become a little more literary and not so fact-driven all the time; a side effect of her journalistic instincts, and Katie, you can be my accomplice in getting Eli to finally trim down his wordiness," Mrs. Dawes said with a small smile as Eli shot her a smirk and rolled his eyes playfully.

"I'll do my best, Miss," Katie said, amused, "though that play seemed pretty near perfect to me, kind of intimidating to work with Eli," Katie continued.

"You'll make an excellent team," Mrs. Dawes said with a smile as Eli rolled his eyes some more and Katie noticed Clare Edwards giving her the evil eye from across the room.

"Something wrong Clare?" Katie asked, never being one for not being direct.

Katie saw Eli turn away from their direction, widening his eyes and choosing to focus on his copy of Hemmingway's _A Farewell to Arms _instead.

"What?" Clare asked, pretending to be confused.

"Are you mad I'm Eli's partner?" Katie flat-out asked Clare, making Eli's heart beat wildly in his chest.

"As if," Clare countered, narrowing her eyes at Katie and being met with an eye roll from the older girl.

"Whatever," Katie scoffed, "Eli," she said as she sat next to him, "I'll have you know I need an A in this class, so you'd better not be some procrastinator".

"Relax, I'm pretty good at English," Eli said with a dismissive wave.

"So I've heard. And I was there for the play, I know you're the best writer in the school," Katie said as she sharpened her pencil.

"That play was not my finest moment. Hopefully we can do better with that," Eli said with an encouraging smirk that made Katie beam with pleasure. Something told her she'd be getting that A – she knew she had lucked out in the partner assignments.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"I'm just not hungry," Clare said to Adam as they sat down in the lunchroom together. "Have you seen Jake?" she then asked, urgency in her tone. He hadn't texted, and she had stood awkwardly with her tray in her hand as she tried who to sit with – she had always sat with Jake, and Jake only, at lunch.

Clare saw Eli nudge Adam over at the table that they usually sat at, and she knew that Eli's encouragement led to Adam coming over to her and leading her to a new lunch table. She rolled her eyes as she thought that Eli was still keeping tabs on her, but the truth was that deep down inside, she had been so relieved that Adam had come to her social rescue…at Eli's suggestion.

"Yeah, I'm awesome, thanks for asking," Adam said sarcastically.

"Did you see him or not?" Clare asked, even more urgently.

"How am I supposed to know where Jake is?" Adam asked, and Clare hated that he was right.

"Did you seen him get to school? Like at all, this morning?" Clare kept pushing.

"Don't you usually get a ride with him?" Adam asked, confused.

"I do, but this morning he was already gone when I was up," Clare said, starting to worry at the thought that Jake never made it to school.

Clare then flinched when she saw Marisol sliding over to their table – coming out of nowhere – and in her cheery voice, Marisol informed her,

"Jake Martin wasn't in math today. It's a shame too, he's the best thing about that class," Marisol said with a frown, making Clare steam in sheer fury at her as Adam looked over at Eli, wishing very much he could have just eaten with his best friend and stayed away from what sure seemed to be heading to be girl-talk.

"He wasn't there?" Clare asked again.

"Nope," Marisol confirmed again, "But I thought his sister-girlfriend surely would know that," Marisol mischievously said.

"Stop calling me that!" Clare screamed, making the entire cafeteria turn and look her way.

She stared at her food, pretending it was the only thing on the earth, as she felt everyone's gaze on her, hearing Marisol's giggles drift away.

She then heard a loud noise – the sound of a tray falling to the ground – and she breathed in relief, knowing everyone's attention would be turned towards whoever had done that.

"Oops," she then heard Eli sarcastically say, and she saw his spicy tomato soup all over the floor – she frowned when she saw that, because that was Eli's favourite kind, and Clare knew his tray accident was by no means an accident.

"Eli, go clean that up," Clare then heard Ms. Oh say, sounding a little impatient, and she watched Eli smirk a little at the computer teacher before he said, "Right away, Miss". Clare returned her gaze back to her tray as Eli walked by her and Clare smelled the hand sanitizer he always wore.

"Bipolar freak," Clare heard someone whisper, and she turned around in the direction at once. It was coming from that new snappy niner with the crazy frizzy hair, and it was soon echoed by an "I was hoping for more of a crazy episode," and hearing people say such mean things about Eli took Clare aback. Everyone seemed to know he was bipolar, and of course stupid kids were reacting to it the way stupid kids would. Clare saw Adam flash the girl a disapproving look, and Clare was surprised to see that she actually looked regretful after Adam's look. But everyone had heard, and Clare knew that included Eli. He surfaced from the janitor's closet that was in the cafeteria looking as nonchalant as ever, and the chatter in the cafeteria started again as Eli ran the mop back and forth over the mess he had purposely made, wishing that everything would be as easy to clean up…as easy to fix as a spill.

When Clare stressed about Jake's whereabouts for the remainder of the lunch period, Adam wished he could take off and go sit with Eli, because he just looked so alone, and Adam noticed that he never went up and bought any other lunch. Adam didn't like to see him sitting alone at a table, just reading the book they had just been assigned in English class, and he certainly didn't enjoy spending his lunch hearing Clare enumerate a possibilities of things that could have happened to Jake.

"Come on Clare, probably just skipped, hung out with that friend of his who is in town," Adam said with a roll of his eyes as he heard the bell ring, grateful for the first time in his life that lunch was over.

Clare didn't like Adam's suggestion not one bit. Myra…was not Clare's favourite person. Some girl who Jake insisted was an 'old friend'. But she was pretty, and fun, and she never worried, Clare saw, and he had her own car – some retro van that Jake had praised, much to Clare's displeasure. What could Jake be doing with her the entire day…if that's where he was?

No…no…Clare didn't like this one bit.

XXXXXXX

"Gross," Clare heard someone echo as she ran through the hallway with her hand over her mouth, desperately trying to make it over to the girls' bathroom. When she got there and saw that it was closed for cleaning, she wanted to die.

Eli was just grimacing and cleaning his hands with his personal sanitizer as he made his way out of the boys' bathroom, right across the way from where he saw Clare…in tears.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay," he told her, an instinct taking over in him at once as he ran over to her, placed an arm around her shoulder and whispered, "It's okay, it's okay, no one's in this one," guiding her into the boy's bathroom quickly.

Clare didn't protest, and after Eli had pushed the door open with his foot, she ran over into the nearest stall and took her hand away from her mouth, slightly sobbing from the shock of everything.

She never expected Eli to come into the stall that she was kneeling into, but he did, sitting on his knees beside her and he reached for her pretty hair and held it back as he repeated over and over to her, "Hey, it's okay, it's okay," as Clare wanted to die, embarrassed that Eli had to see her like this.

But she then felt him place his free hand on her back, ever so gently, and he got even closer to her as he held her curls back, and he said, "Don't worry, it's just me. It's Eli, you don't have to be embarrassed," and the tone in his voice was so soft and understanding that Clare closed her eyes and just did what she needed to do.

"It's okay, it's okay…just get it all out," Eli softly said over to her as he tried really hard not to inhale.

When Clare was finally finished, she leaned back, and Eli's hands flew away from her back and hair at once. He handed her a tissue and she cleaned up with it as much as possible.

She then got up and washed her hands at once. Eli approached her slowly, his hand sanitizer outstretched, and Clare took it gratefully, loving that its alcohol scent was so incredibly powerful. Eli then handed her his pack of gum, and Clare took a piece with a smile, loving the fresh scent of mint in her mouth.

"You okay?" Eli asked.

"Yeah," Clare said, her throat a little raspy.

"Thank you," she added shyly. "Sorry, that was so gross," she added, her cheeks flaming red.

"It wasn't," Eli told her honestly, because to him, nothing associated with Clare could be gross. "Feeling better? Just a bit?" he asked with a soft smirk.

"Yeah," Clare said, but Eli noticed that she was slightly trembling.

"Here, put this on," he said, handing her his new leather jacket…Clare noticed that it still had its new leather scent as Eli placed it around her shoulders. Clare put her arms through its sleeves shyly, avoiding Eli's gaze.

"I can't believe I just threw up in the guys' washroom," Clare then giggled, the sound making Eli's heart beat just that much faster.

"You say that like it's not the _right_ reaction upon being in this disgusting place," Eli said with a smirk. "I try to always carry hand sanitizer with me, because unlike you, I don't have the option of what I'm sure is a much nicer bathroom," he joked, and Clare loved how just with that one line, he had already made her feel better.

"But…you okay? Why are you throwing up?" Eli said, his voice full of worry…but also of something else. Clare couldn't tell what it was exactly, but she didn't want to meet his gaze.

"Ew…we were doing this dissection in biology and the smell of formaldehyde was just so strong," Clare said, "must have not agreed with my lunch," she said.

"Oh," Eli said with a smirk, "Yeah, my little lunch maneuver was really an attempt to escape that food, you know. Just that lunch on its own would have been bad enough," he continued.

"Eli," Clare said softly, knowing he was just saying that to make her feel better. "You love that soup," she said, and Eli shot her a small sad smirk, knowing he'd been busted.

"Um…maybe we should get you out of the guys' bathroom before you hurl because of it this time," Eli said, changing the subject when he felt that Clare caught onto why exactly he had performed his little lunch maneuver.

"Okay," she said faintly, and they walked out of the bathroom together.

When Clare saw Jake walking in the hallway, she flung Eli's jacket off her body at once and tossed it his way.

"Jake!" Clare yelled in his direction, being so relieved that he was finally here.

Eli watched her catch up to him and he caught the annoyed glimpse in Jake's eye as he saw Clare running to him.

"You're welcome," he said quietly to himself as he headed towards his own locker.

Fiona and Imogen were waiting for him there, and he smiled their way, because he was so happy for once that…he had someone waiting for him too.

"Eli! Did you get your ticket to frostival?" Fiona asked him eagerly.

"Think I'm gonna sit that one out," he said with a small smirk.

"What? You can't! It's going to be the most epic event Degrassi has ever had, it'll be organized by yours truly," Fiona said in shock.

"And I'm sure it'll be great. But…I kind of don't feel like watching happy couples on the ferries wheel and such," Eli justified.

"Eli," Imogen sighed sadly his way.

"Come on girls, this way you can do all that polish-y thing without me in the way," Eli tried to joke.

"Mani-pedis, Eli, that's what they're called," Fiona told him.

"Right. I'll just sit this one out, okay? You girls have fun," Eli told them as he pulled out the books that he needed to homework out of his locker.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Maybe we can go see a movie," Clare said as she tried to sit on Jake's lap on their couch at home, frowning when he stood up just before she could.

"I don't think so," Jake said. "Our parents will be home soon," he added.

"So? I think they'd be okay with us going to see a movie, as brother and sister," Clare said with a frown, hating to refer to herself and Jake that way.

"I don't think so," Jake repeated, "I just want to chill a little before they get home. I'm gonna head out to my balcony," Jake said, knowing that was his only refuge from Clare lately.

"Haven't you been doing that a lot lately?" Clare asked, trying to sound non-chalant.

"You got a problem with something?" Jake snapped back at her, taking her aback with his forcefulness.

"Um..no..not at all," Clare squeaked out, taking a step back from Jake.

"That's what I thought," Jake said as she rushed up the stairs, and Clare didn't like his tone as he said that at all. It was the first time that she felt…afraid around Jake.

She then heard the door open and gave her mom a cheery hello in response.

"Clare, your principal called me today, said you threw up at school?" Helen asked, her voice full of worry.

Clare grimaced and replied, "Stupid biology dissection. It smelled so bad mom, and before I knew it, I was throwing up. It's okay though, E-um, um, Jake helped me," Clare finished.

"Oh. That's very nice of him," Helen said with a smile.

"So," Clare's mom then said, changing the subject after making sure that Clare was okay, "I got a letter from the PAC and Mr. Simpson also asked me on the phone – our next meeting is combined with a student showcase again, something about needing to raise more money for a forstival or something?" Helen asked. "Well, are you reading a piece?" she then asked eagerly.

"No," Clare said stubbornly.

"Why not?" Helen asked, sounding just a bit disappointed.

"Because my English marks suck!" Clare exploded, the pressure finally getting to her.

"What?" Helen asked in shock. "But it's your favourite subject! You're published, for heaven's sake!" Helen added.

"Yeah," Clare said with a blink, "But all Mrs. Dawes gives me lately is Cs," Clare said as Helen gasped.

"Cs?" she repeated in shock. "Why? Do I need to go talk to this teacher?" Helen asked.

"No," Clare said immediately.

"Clare, you told me about the problem you had with her last year, before she finally began giving you the grades that you deserve. I'm sure you do all of your work thoroughly," Helen pushed.

"I'm missing assignments," Clare breathed. "I never handed them in," she admitted, because….things were so different with Jake in the house. Her mom and his dad worked late a lot…and there just always seemed to be other things to do more exciting than homework. In fact, most of her homework she always got done in study block…Jake was in math then. But at home…at home she could lie with him, kiss him, and just…be with him. And now that…they had crossed a certain threshold, Clare knew that Jake would expect it to become a regular activity. And she didn't want to disappoint. Because….because he seemed all tense lately, and she wanted to make him a bit more relaxed. She absolutely loathed that the one way that he always used for relaxation – smoking pot – was one that he had in common with Myra, but not with her. She wanted to show him that he didn't need to do that to be relaxed, and she knew that he had a good time last night; he looked very relaxed to her indeed. He didn't need Myra; all they needed was each other. Forever, Clare repeated to herself.

"You're not doing your homework?" Helen gasped in shock. "What are you doing then, maybe I need to start coming home earlier, give you a hand with it?" Helen offered.

"No! No!" Clare replied at once, urgency in her voice. If her mom started coming home earlier…no…no….she'd ruing everything, Clare desperately thought. Then Jake would become distant for sure, he'd take off with Myra, he'd…she'd have no cards left, Clare knew it. Whatever happened, all she needed with Jake was time alone. Just the two of them. Putting space in between them would be a mistake. A big one. They needed to be together, just the two of them. Just the two of them, just us, Clare desperately told herself over and over again.

"It'll be fine," Clare said. "I'll do my missing papers and my grade will go up," she continued with a smile.

"Clare, last year you aced that class, and got published. What's different this year?" Helen asked.

"Nothing," Clare answered.

Helen then took a small step toward Clare and asked, "Is…do you still have Eli as your partner? Maybe he can help," Helen gently suggested.

"Please mom, Eli can barely handle his own life, I so don't need help from him," Clare answered, before she walked away from her mom and headed upstairs to her mom.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hi," Helen said politely as she sat down next to Eli's dad at the PAC meeting.

"Oh, hello ma'am," Bullfrog politely replied, being a little taken aback at the sight of Clare's mom. "This is my wife, Cece," Bullfrog politely added as Cece shook Helen's hand.

Helen then gave them a small smile and said, "I didn't know that you two have joined the PAC this year".

"Oh no, no," Bullfrog said with a laugh, "We're just here for the showcase portion. Eli's reading something he wrote," Bullfrog added.

"Oh, how lovely," Helen said with a smile, but her heart ached that…Clare…that…her daughter wasn't doing the same.

Helen then heard Eli's mom say,

"Helen, I'm really sorry, you know. About everything that happened with Eli. I should have been a better mom. I had no idea…that my boy was suffering so badly. That he was…sick," Cece said, all but whispering the last word. "He never meant to hurt Clare. He really didn't. If there's one thing that I'm sure of, it's that he never wanted anything but to protect her. You see, my son's first love died – in a car accident – after leaving our house after a fight with Eli…and he's forever going to blame himself for it. She, Julia, took off in the middle of the night on her bike and she got hit by a car. It all but killed Eli as well. The only thing that made him feel better was….meeting your daughter and falling in love with her. Eli's always been a really protective child, but when that boy who went to juvi came back…it was too much for Eli to handle. He was always worrying about Clare's safety…where she was…who she was with…if she was safe…and it drove him to almost lost his mind. But he never wanted to hurt her. He only loved her," Cece said, her eyes tearing up.

Helen gave her a warm, sympathetic look before she replied, "I know that. I know Eli loved Clare, that he loved her properly. I know he'd never hurt her, I know he's sick and that he'd never have put her in a dangerous situation. I know…because of what he said to me when he visited with you," Helen continued as she looked at Bullfrog.

Cece then continued, "Your daughter is an angel. She did the right thing in breaking up with Eli, and he saw that quite clearly. He knows that," she said.

"Yes…I know Eli's a good boy, but…he's a lot to handle, I'm sure you know. Clare did the right thing," Helen echoed as all the parents exchanged a sad smile.

"Mom?" Cece then heard as Eli came up behind them, dressed in his black jeans and just his Degrassi polo.

"Yes, baby boy, I'm right here," Cece said, giving Eli a tight squeeze that embarrassed him a little.

"Hi Miss Edwards, um, I mean, Martin," Eli said shyly, sounding and looking like a little ten year old boy at the sight of Clare's mom.

"Hi Eli. Nice to see you again," Helen kindly told him, because she couldn't help but feel sorry for Eli.

"Mom? Dad?" Eli then said as Bullfrog noticed the sadness in his eyes.

"What's up?" Bullfrog asked his son.

"I…can we go home? I don't want to read my piece, please don't make me," Eli said, sounding like a little boy and confusing Helen as she snuck glances at him.

"Baby boy, you don't have to do anything you don't want to," Cece kindly said.

"Okay. Thanks mom," Eli said, letting out a huge exhale. "Can we go? Please," he whispered.

Helen then decided to add a gentle, "Eli, read your piece, stage fright's not like you," but her direct address his way terrified Eli.

"No…I can't…I can't. Can we go, mom?" Eli repeated, and when he took a hold of his mom's hand, Cece understood at once and she stood up, placing an arm around Eli. Helen watched their figured recede into the distance and she saw how tightly Cece was holding Eli, and how she kissed his forehead. She wished Clare would let her do those things as well, but…Clare had seemed to distance from her like she was the plague lately, Helen thought sadly. Apparently, she wasn't even doing her school work.

So when Helen recognized her English teacher walking by, she decided to take action.

After introducing herself, Helen decided to dive right in.

"Mrs. Dawes, my daughter is having trouble at school. It's not like her to have trouble in English, I'm sure you know. I think she needs a bit of guidance. Eli was her partner last year, I see that he was selected to read tonight, and…I'd like to ask you to make them partners again," Helen requested, knowing that Eli's good work in English would be likely to bring up Clare's as well.

Helen watched as Mrs. Dawes flashed her a sad smile and said, "I'm afraid I can't do that".

"Why not?" Helen asked.

"Clare wouldn't like it," Mrs. Dawes replied.

"She's not friendly with Eli?" Helen asked.

"No, not really. I don't ever see them talk. Clare spends most of her time at school with her boyfriend, but he's not in my advanced class, so in my class she's always with Adam, who I assure you is a very competent partner,' Mrs. Dawes said.

"Her BOYFRIEND?" Helen said, raising her volume. "Just who is that?" she asked.

"You mean you don't know?" Mrs. Dawes gasped, unable to help herself.

"Who is it?" Helen asked.

"Jake," Mrs. Dawes deadpanned.

"Jake MARTIN?" Helen asked, shaking in fury at the discovery that her daughter had looked her straight in the eye when Helen had asked her if everything was over with Jake…Clare had stared her mother square in the eye…and _lied_.

"Yes, ma'am," Mrs. Dawes said.

"No, that is not acceptable, and I assure you that that relationship will be over by the time you see Clare in school tomorrow," Helen said as she shook her head in fury.

Helen then continued, "And she needs to become Eli's partner. Immediately," she added.

"Mrs. Martin," Mrs. Dawes sighed, "I think you should read the piece that Eli was going to read today…it's better than any explanation that I could give," and she flipped in her master's program to the photocopy of Eli's short piece.

"What do you mean?" Helen asked in confusion as she took the papers from Mrs. Dawes' hand.

"I can't make them partners," Mrs. Dawes slowly said as she saw Helen's face take on a look of…pure heartbreak.

_I Miss My Friend _

_ I miss the look of interest in your eyes; the look of interest at the things I had to say, the suggestions I made. The look that told me that…I matter. That I'm worth your time and attention. I miss the way your soft brown curls would fall…I miss the way your crystal eyes would gloss over the words of your favourite works…but most of all…I miss my friend. The one I felt the safest with; the one who knew just what to say to make me smile again and let the light back in. I miss the colours that your brought into my life, and I miss your gently voice in lonely times like now, saying 'It'll be all right'. I miss those times; I even miss our silly fights. _

_ Because now when I see you…I know what your eyes are staying. 'Stay away from me,' and I don't blame you for it. I understand. I'm sorry for what I was. I'm sorry for what I am. I'm sorry for what I'll always be. Everyone has a word for it; a polite word that they use, when in reality, I know what they all think instead. There's another word for what I am, it's five letters, and I don't want to say it. But it's what everyone else is thinking, it's what I am to everyone. _

_ I thought that by now I'd be far, but all these tears are blurring every line and every night, I'm remembered…I think back to when you were mine. And there's only one thing I wish. I wish I was cold as stone. I wish I didn't feel a thing. I wish I didn't have this heart; then I wouldn't know the sting of the rain. I could stand on my own, letting your memory fade…I wouldn't hurt like this. I wouldn't feel so alone. I don't think this pain is going to go away; no…when it's said and done…scars remain. I know I shouldn't, but I wish I didn't have this heart. Or this mind. _

_ Because, after all, 'what' and 'if' are just two words. Two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together, and it's a nuclear explosion of feelings….regret…sadness…heartbreak. What if I didn't have this heart? What if I didn't have this mind? What if I was different? What if I was…what you wanted? But I am not. I'm something else…something that's not right. So all I've got if is 'what' and 'if'…two words as non-threatening as words can be, right? Wrong. _

_ What I want to be, and not for you, but for me, is…strong. Maybe I'll head west; on a plane bond west. I'll see the land stretching out below. And maybe it could become the place I call home. Scars; yeah, I've got scars, and sometimes it worries me…because I don't want to lose sight of who I am…just the way I am…with the wrong heart…with the wrong mind. _

_ But I think that from the mountains high to the wave-crashed coast, there's a way to find better days, I know. It's been a long, hard ride, and I've still got a ways to go…but I still want to find strength. Nothing feels like free, though it sometimes mean we all don't get along, because no – we're not all the same, but that's what makes us strong. _

_There's a way to find better days, there's gotta be…with all the 'what if's in the world. In the end, that's all I know. It might not be strength, but at least I know it's brave. It's brave to chase your dreams. Think of everyone whose names we read in history books. You gotta call it brave to chase that dream across the sea; and then they signed their names for something they believed. How the blood ran red when we lied our dead in sacred ground – just think – of their 'what ifs'…and how they took them in hand. I wonder if what they'd think if they could see us now. _

_ It's been a long, hard ride, and I won't lose hope, even if I miss my friend. I can still talk to you, after all, late at night when I'm all alone. You just won't respond. But that's okay. Because that's your brave; that's your strength, and if there's one thing I'll forever remember you as it's a girl who was fearless. The kindest, most patient, and most fearless person that I've ever known. My best friend. _

"Wow," Helen sighed emotionally when she reached the end of Eli's words.

Mrs. Dawes flashed her a sad look and said, "I've never had a student like Eli. Someone who wears his heart on his sleeve like that, then puts it all down on paper without the slightest hesitation or trouble. This is a child who feels everything so much more intensely than what I ever hope to be capable of…and not because he's bipolar," Mrs. Dawes deadpanned.

"Why then?" Helen asked as she folded the paper neatly.

"Easy. Because he's a writer. And an extremely good one. This boy will go far, whatever he chooses to study. Sixteen years old and he's better than so many other writers that are published. Writers are like this…sensitive types. Of course Eli's condition only exacerbates it…but it exacerbates something that is already there. And besides, Eli's favourite writer was bipolar after all," Mrs. Dawes remarked.

"Who is his favourite writer?" Helen asked.

"Ernest Hemmingway," Mrs. Dawes answered.

"Oh, I like him," Helen said softly.

"Me too. So…do you understand where I'm coming from, Miss Martin? I…can't make Eli Clare's partner. She wouldn't want it…what Eli was writing. He was right, you know. Clare never looks his way. Clare...has changed a bit," Mrs. Dawes said.

"I know," Helen sighed sadly, no longer being able to deny it. "You know," she said softly, "reading Eli's words…God," Helen gasped, "how can someone who is seventeen write like that? I felt like he was describing everything I was seeing and thinking through my divorce," Helen said.

"I don't know. I don't know how he can. He's talented. Really talented. With Eli, it's a matter of getting better. He's getting there, but he's still a teenager. He's still allowed to make mistakes…just like Clare is," Mrs. Dawes said with a soft smile.

"He carries a lot of sadness. And a lot of guilt," Helen remarked, frowning down at the paper. "Oh, excuse me," she then said, taking a few steps away from Mrs. Dawes in order to make a phonecall.

When Mrs. Dawes saw her return to her chair to grab her coat and purse, she noticed she was completely pale.

"My daughter's in the hospital!" she whispered in horror.

"Clare?" Mrs. Dawes asked in alarm.

"Yes! Yes! Somebody broke into our house, or something like that, someone who knows Jake, they had a fight, something about the police and possession of drugs…" Helen said as she began running towards the school's front door.


	2. It Only Takes One To Believe

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Dude, I'm so stoked you ditched that showcase early, now we can just have super awesome relaxed time in getting ready for the Dead Hand show," Adam said excitedly to Eli as he entered Eli's room and the boys shared and excited high five.

Adam then flashed Eli an inquiring look and asked, "But why'd you bail? Dawes wanted you to read what I'm sure was an angsty emo piece".

Eli just shrugged and said, "I didn't feel like reading it out loud – at any point, but Mrs. Dawes really wanted me to, and I figured I owed her one. But then Clare's mom came, and I never thought about that. I think I'm done with making people uncomfortable as they read or hear my stuff. I'm done now, no more writing about Clare," Eli said resolutely.

"Eli," Adam sighed, "You and I both know that'll never end. And I don't mean the writing," Adam pushed.

"Yeah well, it doesn't matter if my feelings don't end, does it?" Eli snapped. "She doesn't feel the same way and that's that," Eli said categorically. He then flashed Adam a smirk and said, "Now can we just walk to the street car stop already? I've been looking forward to this show since March, tiny little happy light at the end of the tunnel".

Adam placed his hand on Eli shoulder and excitedly said, "Me too! So stoked. Your dad scored us amazing tickets," Adam said, brimming with excitement.

"Damn right – prepare for your ears to be ringing for a week after – just the way it should be," Eli said as he clapped his hands together as the boys made their way downstairs.

When Adam's phone rang, Eli flashed him an annoyed stare and said,

"No letting your mom ground you tonight, Adam, doesn't she know?" because Eli knew that it would likely be Adam's mom…and she would likely be…displeased about something, simply going by past precedent.

"Not gonna even answer it," Adam said with a shrug.

"And have her ground you for sure?" Eli replied as he put his shoes on and narrowed his eyes at Adam. He then added, "Plus she might worry. Just see what he wants," Eli suggested.

Adam rolled his eyes and Eli heard him say an annoyed, "Mom, I'll be fine – Eli's dad is picking us up, remember?"

Eli couldn't hear what Adam's mom was saying, but when Adam froze and his hand stated shaking and his entire face turned pale, Eli gestured with his hands for Adam to say something.

"Dude, come on," Eli said, trying to get something out of Adam – anything. Eli feared that those criminals who had shot Adam had somehow been let out of jail…surely if Fitz could have come out after a few months, anything was possible, right?

Eli watched as Adam hung up his phone, put it back in the pocket of his jeans…his entire face still white.

"Adam, you're killing me," Eli then said. "What was that all about? Drew all right? Bianca all right? Spit it out," he pushed.

"Eli…" Adam softly said, "I'm going to tell you something, but I need you not to freak out. Because I'm gonna need you…and someone else will too. I'll need you to stay calm and help," Adam warned, thinking that if he prefaced everything this way, he'd be helping Eli…and judging correctly indeed.

"Dude, I'm gonna have a heart attack before you do spit it out," Eli said, slightly frustrated.

Adam thought that Eli was probably right, so he dove right in. "Something happened at Clare's house, with-with the police," he said clearly.

"WHAT?" Eli exploded at once.

"Calm, Eli, I need you to stay calm," Adam repeated.

Adam then watched Eli breathe deeply and as he exhaled, he shakily said, "All I need to know is if she's okay…everything else doesn't matter," Eli said, determination in his voice. "As long as the worst didn't happen. Is she…" Eli attempted to ask, but completing that thought out loud was simply too much for him.

"She's stable, and she'll be fine, my mom said," Adam said quickly, knowing Eli needed to know that. "My mom just mentioned something about her arm. There was like, some kind of fight or something - she wasn't involved in it, but she got hurt as an indirect result," Adam said.

"Where is she?" Eli asked urgently.

"Sick Kids," Adam said, referencing the name of the best research hospital in Canada where everyone under eighteen years of age was taken. A place that Eli was all too familiar with.

When Eli threw Adam's jacket in his face, Adam felt the need to point out,

"Dude, all that's wrong is something with her arm. My mom said I don't need to go to the hospital, and she also said that Clare's mom is there, dealing with the police and such, best not to have many people in their way," Adam said, repeating the information that his mom had given him.

Adam watched Eli shake his head with determination before he heard him say, "I know you might think is crazy. But I don't trust doctors that much, and I know how that place works. I need to see for myself that she's fine. I'm not gonna bother her; I won't even talk to her. But I need to – I have to," Eli said, his voice faltering for a moment, "I have to see that she's fine. And what the hell is with someone breaking into her house? That stuff doesn't happen in our area of town - there's something more there, and you know it," Eli pointed out.

In that moment, as Adam looked at the sheer fear in Eli's eyes, he understood why Eli needed visual confirmation…why he needed to see things for himself. This was a boy who had been told on the phone that the girl he loved more than anything in the world at the time was dead – just like that. This was a boy to who doctors had promised his anti-anxiety medication would carry him through to a permanent solution, and all it had done to him was reduce him to a sad imitation of what he had once been. This was a boy who was failed by the medical system…time and time again, and now the girl who Adam knew Eli would love all his life was in the hands of that system.

Adam knew that Eli was afraid.

Deathly afraid.

So he did the only thing that he knew how to.

"I'm coming with you," Adam said warmly as he called out to Bullfrog, quickly explained everything and asked for a ride. Bullfrog agreed at once, but what struck Adam most was the way that the news he delivered also affected…Eli's parents. That was something Adam never had expected. A light film of tears invaded Cece's eyes at once as she stood by and listened in fear, reaching out for her husband as Adam progressed. Adam also saw the fear in Bullfrog's eyes, and the way that after just a few of Adam's words, Bullfrog didn't even say anything, but ran to the hanger to grab his coat immediately. He put on his shoes at lightning speed, only bringing his phone and wallet with him, and as he led them outside the door to his Mustang, Adam realized that this was the first time that he had seen Eli's dad leave the house without giving his wife a good-bye cheek.

"But she's all right, right?" Bullfrog asked – three times – on the twenty minute ride to the hospital….which only ten minutes as Bullfrog clearly went just a little over the speed limit, expertly making his way through the streets in a way that made Adam cling to his seatbelt tightly. His mom wouldn't approve, he thought to himself as he felt his hands shake because he was grabbing his phone so tightly, afraid he'd be given an update that would make him want to stop living any minute now.

"Yes, that's what my mom said," Adam confirmed at once, saying it over and over again in his mind at all.

When they entered the hospital parking lot, the Mustang had not even come to a complete stop before Eli was out of it, and Adam muttered 'fool' under his breath when he saw Eli's weaker leg take the impact harder than his perfectly healthy one.

"Damn it Eli," Bullfrog called out to him, "Clare's already in the hospital, the last thing she needs is for you to join her in there," Bullfrog said as he shook his head.

He parked the car and headed out of it as he gave Eli a strict glare.

"Relax, I'm not gonna talk to her, I just want to see if she's all right," Eli scoffed, misinterpreting his dad's words.

"That's not what I meant punk," Bullfrog said as he grabbed Eli tightly by the arm. "Don't you pull anything tonight, Eli, or I'm not letting you stay with Clare," Bullfrog threatened.

"What do you think I'm going to do?" Eli asked, outraged.

"Who knows? But I have no intention of finding out. Calm down, Eli – right now – I mean it. Or else you're going back in this car and not seeing her at all," Bullfrog said with a menacing index finger pointed Eli's way.

"Sorry dad," Eli said with an exhale, "But please…come on…hurry…just please…" pleading with his dad.

"All right, all right, let's go," Bullfrog said as all three of them ran inside the Emergency Exit.

"Clare Edwards," Eli said breathlessly to the receptionist.

"I'm sorry, can I help you?" a sleepy nurse said to Eli, frustrating him at once.

"Our friend Clare Edwards, she was brought here tonight – please, we just want to see her," Eli pleaded in desperation, knowing his fate was in the hands of the young, sleepy nurse.

"Edwards," the nurse repeated as she typed it into the computer. "Room 207A, second floor," the nurse explained. "I believe the police are in with her, do not disturb them," the nurse said, having to yell out her final instructions because Eli was already running towards the staircase.

"You just had to run up the damn stairs – couldn't wait for the elevator," a wheezing Bullfrog shouted up at Eli, being far behind the boys.

"It's one floor dad!" Eli pointed out in frustration.

"Maybe for you, but for me it feels like a thousand," Bullfrog muttered under his breath.

He saw Eli run down the hallway and eventually stop, slightly bent over in order to catch his breath…stopped just a few feet in front of Clare's mom, Bullfrog knew, who was listening to a police officer in uniform who was telling her things slowly. Bullfrog saw that Helen's hand was over her mouth as she nodded and cried.

"Excuse me officer, I just need to talk to that young man for a second," Bullfrog heard Helen say as he finally caught up to Eli.

Bullfrog watched as a teary-eyed Helen approached a pale, visibly shaking Eli and heard her raspy voice say, "Eli…Eli…she's fine. Just a cut on her arm," and Bullfrog sighed in relief.

"No," Eli said as he shook his head in confident assertion. "Cops don't show up to update every parent on a scrape. Cops only show up and stay when there's something serious going on," Eli said, and for one moment, Helen absolutely hated how Eli was an astute boy who you couldn't really get things past.

"There's more to it yes, but Clare's fine. The police officers are here to talk to me about a situation Jake was placed in," Helen said.

"He all right?" Eli asked with a confused look on his face.

"He'll…he'll be fine, Eli," Helen said carefully.

"What? How hurt is he?" Eli asked in a panic, knowing Clare's feelings for Jake.

"Oh, not at all, I didn't meant that," Helen said in realization, "Don't worry about Jake, Eli," she repeated. She then added, "Go and say hi to Clare, she'll be happy to see you," Helen encouraged Eli.

"No…no…she wouldn't like that…I just wanted to come and see…you know, that she was okay," Eli said, his entire body shaking again.

"Oh Eli…" Helen sighed, "Clare's really shaken up. I'd prefer it if someone she knows from school talks to her, okay?" Helen asked.

"Um…Adam and I will go in, she'll want to see Adam," Eli added, his own voice raspy as Helen rolled her eyes at Eli's stubbornness.

"Well, go on in, I need to finish talking to Officer Swarek," Helen said.

"Let's go dude," Adam said as he slapped Eli's shoulder lightly, and he led him to the room, opening the door slowly.

"Clare?" Adam asked, and he heard a,

"Adam?" in a faint voice…a very tired and scared-sounding voice.

"Hey, it's me and Eli," Adam said as he approached Clare's bed.

She was in a single room…a much too brightly lit room with pink walls. The bed was the predominant object in the room, and a solid beeping coming from her heart rate monitor beeped regularly. She was wearing a white hospital robe with tiny green polka dots all over it, and she had a few IVs connected to her right arm. The windows in her room showed the Toronto skyline all lit up at night, and there were three wooden chairs, two next to her bed and an extra one by the window.

But Adam and Eli's hearts broke most at the sight of her. Her striking blue eyes were flooded with…sheer fear, and she seemed so small and vulnerable under the white hospital sheet that covered her body. Eli flinched when he saw the bandage that covered her arm, running all along her forearm, and he hated how she had a bruise just below her eye.

"Hi," Clare softly told them both, and they moved to her bed side at once. Clare noticed how Adam moved right to her bedside, and Eli did too…before he took a laborious, very-conscious step backwards.

"Are you okay? What happened?" Eli asked, and Clare noticed his red eyes, shaking hands - with no rings on them, as she noticed for the first time with a frown – and she picked up on the raspiness in his voice.

"I'm fine. Eli look at me," she said authoritatively. "I'm fine," she repeated assertively, because for the first time in a long time she looked at Eli…and tried to imagine how he might be feeling right now.

"Tried to tell him," Adam said with a chuckle, "But he wanted to come down here and see for himself," as he playfully punched Eli's shoulder, and Eli loved that Adam's action made Clare giggle.

"Well I'm fine! Just a little cut," Clare said with a faint smile as she mustered all her strength.

"Little cuts don't make doctors admit patients," Eli remarked at once as Clare took in his red eyes all over again. "And your blood pressure is through the roof," Eli said as he tapped the monitor that indeed, displayed rather high numbers.

"Who died and made you Doctor House?" Adam joked.

"I know a few things about this hospital," Eli replied, and there was no trace of humour in his voice.

Clare felt the need to respond, "It is a little high. They gave me a relaxant for it," she said as she raised her hand to her temple.

"Woah, take it easy," Eli gently told her. "That IV making you drowsy?" he asked, his voice laced with sympathy.

"Yeah," Clare said in surprise, glad that someone finally understood.

"I wish I could tell you it goes away, but it doesn't. Mine made me all dizzy the entire week," Eli said with a frown.

"You were in the hospital for a week?" Clare asked in shock.

"Not important," Eli said with a shrug. "Tell us how you're feeling," he continued.

Only one word came to Clare's mind.

"Betrayed…gutted…horribly betrayed," she whispered.

"What happened Clare?" Adam asked curiously, but before Clare could answer, the door abruptly opened and in stormed Jake and a girl that Eli had never seen before. She looked to be about their age – maybe a little older? – and Eli noticed that Jake had the beginnings of a black eye.

"You okay, Clare?" Jake yelled as Eli moved out of his way and Jake took his place at Clare's bedside.

"Yes," Clare answered, but Eli was surprised that she and Jake didn't share a kiss – it would have been the first thing he would have done….if he was in Jake's position.

When Clare's entire body was overtaken by a cool iciness, Eli was only more confused. And when she assertively told Jake, "Like it matters to you," Eli was plain weirded out.

"Oh Clare, I'm sorry…I'm so sorry this happened to you – I never thought you'd be in any danger, I never thought such a thing would happen, you know I want to protect you, you know – " Jake was saying with tears in his eyes, but Clare cut him off at once.

"Jake, stop talking," she said, sounding so…exhausted. "Just…stop telling me things. I've heard enough. I've just…I've heard enough," Clare said with a shaking voice. She then raised her hands and waved Jake away as she said, "I just…I can't sit here and listen to any more of this _crap_," shocking everyone in the room.

"And you," Clare continued as her eyes fixed on the Clare who Eli didn't know, "you get out of this room. How dare you show your face here? Actually wait – Jake you join her. Get out," Clare said, raising her voice.

"Clare – please, I can't leave you…no, I can't leave…I'd rather die than leave you," Jake said, and Eli noticed how…unhinged he seemed. Eli might have had some intense moments of his own with Jake…but he had never seen him quite so unhinged.

"Shut up! I don't believe you! How can I believe anything you say to me anymore, Jake? Just get out. Get out!" Clare yelled, and Eli looked at Adam, who only widened his eyes in return.

Eli then took a step in Jake's direction and said, "Jake, just do as Clare wants-" but before Eli knew what was happening, Jake had grabbed his collar and he was yelling in his face, "Shut up, Eli! Fuck off! What the hell are you doing here, think you can swoop in and mess with Clare's head some more?"

"Woah," Adam said as he moved towards the boys as Clare urgently called Jake's name, telling him to stop.

Eli moved out of Jake's grip easily, being strong and agile himself, and held his arm out in order to indicate to Jake to give his space and calmly said, "Back off. We're in a freaking hospital room. One step in here and you damage equipment Clare needs," Eli said and Jake took a deep breath and sat down in a chair.

"I can't believe you just did that!" Clare reproached Jake.

"Whatever, he had it coming," Jake scoffed.

"Okay," Clare sighed, "Everyone out. I need to talk to just Jake," she said.

"Over my dead body," Clare heard a low voice say, and she rolled her eyes when she thought it was Eli…but she was surprised when she realized that it had been in fact, Adam.

"Not after what I just saw," Adam said as he flashed Jake a death glare. "Dude's dangerous Clare. Did he put you in here?" Adam asked as Jake scoffed.

"He's not dangerous," Clare softly said. "Look," she continued as she pointed through the glass door to the police officers that were still talking to her mom outside. "They're right outside, you can stand right there with them and watch," Clare said to Adam with a kind smile.

It was with a lot of hesitation that Eli and Adam and the girl who they still had no clue who she was finally went outside, watching every move of Jake's through the soundproof door.

"What do you want, Jake?" Clare sighed as she stared at him coldly.

"I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Clare, I feel so terrible you're in here because of me," Jake told her, his regret obvious.

"I don't care about a tiny but. I do, however, care about what you did with Myra," Clare said as her body trembled due to stress and fear.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry – I told you, the pressure was just getting to me! It was a mistake for us to sleep together…it was not right…and I felt guilty afterwards. I just got carried away…when you started it, I just couldn't stop it…I wanted to be with you in that way so bad," Jake said, honesty in his tone.

"You knew! You knew that it meant something to me! You knew that it meant everything to me!" Clare accused Jake as he flinched in shame. "But you did it anyway! Just because you weren't enough of a man to stop it when you knew how you felt…when you knew it wasn't right!" Clare pushed.

"But I do love you!" Jake protested, confusing himself.

"No, you don't," Clare deadpanned. "And I know because I never would have done what you did. I never would have…slept with somebody else," Clare snarled at Jake.

"Clare…I'm sorry….but I wasn't thinking straight. I needed to get away from school…you have to understand all the pressure that you put on me. You made all these plans, you talked about forever…..you were suffocating me. Suffocating me, Clare, with all the things you were saying, and I just couldn't do it anymore! It was a lot of pressure, it all came crashing down on me…all the things you're saying…it suffocated me…I simply could not take it anymore," Jake attempted to explain.

"So you go drug it up with the first whore who walks your way…and screw her in her van while I'm in school worrying sick about you," Clare snapped at Jake.

"I didn't mean to sleep with her! I wasn't thinking straight, I had smoked so much…she put the moves on me! And reciprocating was the biggest mistake I ever made," Jake pushed.

"Heard that one before," Clare said with an incredulous scoff.

"And I meant it! I hated having sex with Myra, hated every minute….all I could think of was you!" Jake said.

"LIAR! LIAR!" Clare yelled at him. "Don't you ever say that again! I can't believe I lost my virginity to you!" Clare said as she was overcome by sobs.

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME!" she screamed at Jake when he attempted to get closer to her so he could comfort her.

"You…you took away the most important thing to me…you knew how I felt. Jake…you looked me in the eye and promised me that you wouldn't hurt me," Clare reminded him.

"I never meant to! It was a huge mistake, a big mistake. I wasn't thinking straight, I was under the influence, I can't be held responsible –" Jake tried to argue.

"Stop it! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. It doesn't work like that. Tell me, if someone does pot and then goes to kill someone does a judge find them innocent?" Clare asked Jake. "Does that excuse them?" she pushed.

"That's different, I didn't kill anyone!" Jake emphasized.

"But you did," Clare said quietly. "You killed me," she whispered. "What you did Jake…I don't know how I can even look at you. I gave you everything I had, thinking we wanted the same things, and two days later you screw the first pot whore you can find," Clare pointed out. "You were never serious about me," Clare deadpanned. "You don't even know the meaning of the word serious. I should have listened to the signs when I first met you. Instead, now I'm lying in a hospital bed…having lost my virginity at sixteen and regretting it more than anything I've ever done in my life…knowing that my first sexual experience was with someone who went and had one with another skank 48 hours after. You…have killed me, Jake," Clare said with tears in her eyes. "Because…I will never be the same after this. Every time I look in the mirror…every time I look at you…I will want to die. I will wish that you had killed me….in every way," Clare finished, her words frightening Jake to the core.

"Clare…what are you saying?" he whispered in horror.

"I'm staying…you have issues to deal with. Don't talk to me, Jake. Not for a long time. You need help," Clare finished.

"And I'm going to get it," Jake insisted. "But I'm hoping…you'll stand by me," he pushed.

Clare looked at him…she looked deeply in his eyes and slowly whispered, "You hurt me Jake. More than anyone ever has in my entire life. I might help you, but I need some space right now. I can barely stand to look at you, knowing what you did. Leave now, please," and after many painful minutes, Jake stood up.

Eli and Adam entered the room at the same time, wanting to supervise his departure. Myra also followed them in, wanting to leave with Jake now.

"Guys," Clare told them with a faint smile and a gesture to the Air Canada Centre - it was lighting up and fireworks were flying from it. "You'd best leave now if you want to make the Dead Hand show," she said softly.

"I'm not going," Eli said categorically.

"Me either," Adam echoed instantly.

"What? No, I won't have you miss it on my account," Clare told them with an encouraging smile.

Eli then shot her a smirk for the first time tonight and said, "Those dudes are playing to a sold-out crowd every night of their tour. It would do their rock star egos some good to see two empty floor seats once – we're doing them a service, you see Edwards," Eli cheekily said.

"Totally," Adam added.

"No, please go," Clare said, but something in her eyes made Eli shake his head categorically.

"Clare…" Eli said in a soft tone, "There's literally nothing you could say to me to get me to that show. I can't believe I just said that, but it's true," Eli said with another smirk.

When Adam excused himself as his phone rang, Myra spoke up for the first time.

"You have floor seats to the Dead Hand concert and you're not going? Mind if I grab them?" she asked, and Clare steamed in fury at her nerve.

"All yours," Eli said as he reached into his leather jacket pocket and gave away what he had considered to be his most prized possession over the last few months.

"How about it, Jake? It would do us some good to relax for a bit," Myra said as she cast an electric smile his way.

"Yeah, all right, no….you're right. I gotta get out of my head space for a bit, a show sounds perfect," Jake said as Eli widened his eyes at the both of them while Clare just watched their conversation shell shocked and open-mouthed.

"See you later, Clare," Jake said gravely to her before walking out the door with Myra.

Adam came back in as they made their way out, and he apologized profusely as he explained that his mom was downstairs and that if he did not go with her, he'd be 'grounded for the rest of my life' as he chose to explain it.

"Go ahead, Adam, thanks for coming," Clare said and she outstretched her arms to give Adam a gentle hug.

After Adam walked out of the room, Clare saw Eli walk over to a strange looking switch by the window, and as his hand rotated a switch, the room became slightly dimmer.

"Those lights are killer, worst idea ever for a hospital," Eli said with a faint smile.

"God, I know," Clare said….and her heart ached when she realized that…of course Eli would know that. She realized that…months ago…Eli had discovered all of these little quirks about these rooms…all on his own. Clare was so terrified as she lied there on her bed, that the thought of alone…absolutely paralyzed her.

"How…" she said softly…"how can he go to a concert right now?" she asked incredulously, hoping with all her heart that Eli didn't know that…she had written him off with a dance one particular night many days ago.

She expected him to launch into a tirade of fury at Jake, talk about how insensitive it was of Jake to leave, to go have fun, when she was living in hell, but what Eli said was nothing like that.

"It's okay, Clare. I know it sounds hard, but don't take it personally, all right? He's probably just not thinking straight," Eli softly said as he took a seat in one of the chairs at her bed side.

"I…I went to the dance, you know," she decided to confess.

"I know," Eli said with a tiny smile that shocked Clare.

"How?" she asked.

"When Adam came, he unintentionally told me that he head from you, at the dance," Eli informed her.

"God, you must think I'm such a horrible person," Clare sighed emotionally.

"I think no such thing," Eli replied at once, flashing her a large smirk.

"But…how can you not?" Clare asked in pure wonder.

"Clare…it was the right thing to do, leaving me. I know that. I was way too messed up, and I scared you," Eli pointed out.

"Oh God, Eli…I did not know true fear until tonight," Clare sighed.

"What happened…you gotta tell me…I'm dying here," Eli told her.

"Where do I start? The part where I finally found out that while Jake was skipping school he was whoring it up with that slut you saw in here just a few minutes ago? Or the part where I tell you he's a pot smoker who used it as a gateway drug when Myra's stupid friend got him into some other stuff? Or the part where that guy finally came to our house looking for money that Jake owed us just as Jake and Myra were fooling around in my house, on my couch as I walked in from school, and when Jake didn't have the money, that guy walked toward Myra and said 'they can work out some agreement' and Jake completely lost it and almost beat him to death? Or the part where they fought all over the house, destroying everything and…pushing me into the coffee table," Clare said, whispering the last part.

"Your coffee table is glass!" Eli replied in a panic. "Clare….oh God Clare….did they get it out?" Eli asked as he looked at her arm in a panic.

"It never got in. It was just a cut," Clare told Eli quickly.

"That's good. That's really really good," Eli told her. "But nothing is good about what you just told me. That stuff...it's really dangerous stuff, Clare. Guys that are into drugs, and I don't mean Jake, because it's obvious that he just got mixed in with some bad people…but that other guy…the one you said came looking for money…Clare those guys have knives, guns, buddies…Clare…I can't believe he was in your house, and, and, Oh my God, he was in your house and…" Eli trailed off.

"…and you can't believe that you weren't there to protect me," Clare finished for him, saying the words that Eli avoided.

"I'm sorry. I know you hate it. But…I can't help it. I know I have no right to even feel that way…at all. But…I can't help the things I feel," Eli said as he looked up at her.

"I know how that feels," Clare said, thinking of how many signs she had had about Jake…and how she had chosen to ignore them all.

"It's okay Eli," Clare then added, "I'm not mad you feel that way, because….the truth is that…maybe with you there, I wouldn't have been so scared," Clare said kindly, but when she saw Eli's head fall into his arms and he sobbed deeply as he rested his arms on her bed, she realized that that was definitely not what he wanted to hear.

"Oh, Eli, no…no…hey, look at me. Look at me…I'm fine," Clare said as she raised his head and gently wiped his tears away, her touch making Eli's breath hitch.

"I hate that this happened to you," Eli whimpered.

"Eli…you can't protect me all the time. Especially since I ruined our friendship….and was so horrible to you. All those things you did for me…at the cabin….at school…" Clare trailed off.

"Are you…are you pregnant?" Clare then heard Eli whisper, and her heart froze at his question.

"Eli….how do you know that…I…that I did something bad with Jake?" she asked in shock.

"By the way you looked at him," Eli answered, "By the way you touched him lately…I could just tell," Eli shrugged. "Clare…you threw up that day, remember?" Eli asked her.

"Oh Eli, I'm not pregnant," Clare said at once, telling him the truth. "But…oh Eli…it was awful…I regret it…so much…." She said with tears in her eyes.

"Clare," Eli sighed emotionally as his fingertips ghosted her arms lightly. "Were…were you safe?" Eli asked, feeling as if his heart would stop at any moment when he realized he had to ask Clare if she had been safe…asking her about her first time…with someone who had not been him.

She only nodded, a deep blush forming on her face as Eli then whispered, "He was good to you? Nice to you?" feeling that for sure, in the next second his heart would really stop.

"It was okay," Clare answered. "But….Eli…I'm sixteen…and I've lost my virginity with someone who was never serious about me…who is my step-brother…I gave him everything and…I can't take it back! Eli, I can't take it back!" Clare said, her chest now heaving. "Oh God, Eli…on my wedding night…it won't be special anymore, it'll be embarrassing and humiliating and I'll have to think back to that moment…I'm sixteen…oh God, I want to take it back! I'd do anything, Eli, to wake up tomorrow and turn back time. I have to take it back!" Clare whispered, and Eli saw her heart rate climb.

"Shh, shh, Clare, shh," he told her as he decided to be bold and he reached up and pushed her curls away from her face. "It's okay. I'm so sorry that it wasn't the wonderful thing that you wanted it to be…that it should have been. But this does not define you," Eli said as he gritted his teeth in conviction.

He softly continued as he pushed her bangs back, "It's all right. God understands, Clare. God knows how hard it's been for you lately. It wasn't fair…what Jake did, sleeping with you because well…because he wanted to. Hell, I'm sure he wanted to…it's a pretty hard offer to refuse, trust me…but…not like that. It was wrong, he should have stopped you, because I bet you made it clear what it meant," Eli said as Clare nodded in shame. "Listen to me, you listen to me Clare Diana Edwards. It doesn't count. This time doesn't count. Clare…you've been so busy taking care of everyone else…your parents, Adam, me…everyone else, Clare…that you're an angel. God's gonna give you a free pass this time, He understands," Eli said, and Clare was shocked to hear him speak of God without any sarcasm…the usual context Eli approached that topic with. "It's not just about…it's not just an anatomical definition, Clare, your…purity," Eli said as he gently touched Clare's ring. "It's not just that, and if anyone knows that…if anyone truly knows, of course it would be God," Eli said with tears in his eyes. "He knows all you want to do is look after others…it's always everyone else before you…and you might have lost sight a little…of who you were…because of all the stress that was placed on you by outside forces. But even I know that God sees everything…He knows, Clare. He knows that to you, it did mean love…he knows that you, Clare Edwards, are nothing but love, and kindness, and patience…and those all mean so much more than an anatomical definition. You're nothing but purity of the heart, and it's the heart that matters," Eli argued, stopping to wipe away the steady stream of tears that flowed down Clare's eyes at his words.

"Eli…since when do you think like that?" Clare asked him emotionally.

"Since always. I've always thought that about you," Eli said, and Clare felt the honesty in his voice. "I know what that meant to you, and I hate that it was not the best that it could have been. But this one moment doesn't have to define you, and…it's not the end of the world, Clare. It's what you do from now on that matters. Don't beat yourself up over the past…because you can't look to the future until you've let go of the past," Eli pointed out.

"Eli…thank you. For telling me that," Clare told him as she interlaced the fingers of their right hand together. "So beautiful," she said as her blue eyes fixed on Eli's.

"Hey…you've had a long night. You rest now," Eli said as he drew up Clare's blanket around her body.

"Eli…" Clare said as her eyes took in the room around her, the steady beat of her monitor beeping in the background.

"It's okay, it's okay," Eli softly told her as he gave her hand a squeeze through their interlocked fingers as he used to do in his happiest moments months ago. "I'll stay," he said, giving Clare what she was afraid to voice out loud.

"It's just that….I'm scared in here. Eli…I'm scared," Clare cried through sobs, as guilt plagued her.

"I know. I know," Eli sighed. "Shh, it's okay, it's okay," he said as he brushed the curls out of her face, "Things always look better in the morning, okay? This room is safe – no one will come in except nurses and maybe your mom, I'll make sure of it, I'll stay right outside in that chair, you see it?" Eli asked as he pointed and Clare gave him a teary nod.

As he looked down at her small, fragile body, her pasty white skin, all the tubes connected to her body, and the look of fear in her eyes, Eli felt his heart break more potently than….well, there was only one night in his life that he could compare it too, and that night had ended in tragedy.

As he brushed Clare's curls back again, she knew that he was looking down at her in this state and suffering….tormenting himself…suffering for her suffering.

"I won't let anyone in who I don't know or who isn't a nurse, okay? But you have to sleep okay? It's okay…Clare…I'm not going anywhere, okay?" he asked through his own tears as he flashed her a smirk.

"You never did," Clare whispered more to herself than to Eli, who barely heard it. "Eli…?" she softly asked.

"Yeah?" he said as he gave her hand a squeeze.

"Thank you. I'm not afraid anymore…I was more scared than I've ever been today…when I saw Jake in that state…so violent…so aggressive…not to me, but to that guy…that dangerous guy who was in my house…I didn't feel safe anywhere else, but….I feel safe now," Clare said, her voice shaking with emotion.

"It'll be okay. If there's one thing you always were, it was strong. Strong and fearless – that was my girl," Eli said with a playful wink. "No one's going to hurt you tonight…or ever, okay? I'm not going anywhere, I'll be right in that chair, but you rest now," Eli said, and he adjusted Clare's pillow. The last thing that she could remember was watching his dark form collapse into the chair outside her room, and she was able to discern him running his hand through his hair and his shaking shoulders.

When her mom entered her room a few hours later in the middle of the night, Clare burst out into sobs.

"Mommy," she whispered through her sobs, "I'm so sorry, mom, I'm so so sorry…"

"Shh. Shh, sweetheart, it's okay, it's okay," Clare said, then urgently looking outside.

"He's there," Helen gently said. "Something about how he needed to stay, not go anywhere?" she asked a little confused.

"I was scared. He said he was staying…and…I felt better," Clare put it plainly.

"Of course he can stay, that's all right, darling, it's fine. Though he hasn't slept a wink the entire time I've been with the officers, and then I took a nap in the chair next to him, but every time I'd wake up he'd be up. I'm not sure that I imagined this, but every time a nurse would come in here – and I'm not exaggerating – Eli would politely ask to confirm their IDs. They oddly seemed more amused than anything," Helen said with a look of puzzlement.

"Eli would," Clare said with a faint smile.

"It's okay. I did ask him to call his parents and let them know, but he had already texted them. Very…gentleman-like of him to stay," Helen said with a smile.

"That's what Eli does…you ask something, he does it. It's the way he's always been," Clare said with a shaking voice.

"Clare…" Helen gently started, "There will be time to talk about Eli later. Doesn't look to me like he's going anywhere. But…we need to talk about Jake," Helen said.

"Mom, I'm so sorry I lied to you," Clare began.

"Looked me right in the eye, and lied to me…my own daughter," Helen said, sounding perfectly heartbroken. "But…Clare I think you've suffered enough. I think….I think Jake hurt you," Helen expertly said.

And as Eli discreetly looked on through the window behind his chair, he saw an image that ripped out his heart all over again.

Clare's form was shaking with sobs as she slid her ring off as her mom covered her mouth with her hand in horror…tears running down her face. Helen bent over painfully for a minute, her shoulders shaking as she took Clare's ring from her and immediately wrapped her up in a hug.

Eli breathed a sigh of relief. He knew that he had tried, and he was glad that Clare hadn't blown up at him and told him that he had no right to talk about God and that he should stop being so blasphemous, but… Eli knew who Clare needed the most right now…just as he had needed his dad, Clare needed her mom after what she had done with Jake, and Eli knew it.

He noticed that Helen held Clare in a tight embrace for a long time, whispering something to her over and over again. They then talked for a long time as Helen held Clare's hands in hers and Clare looked at her mom with regret in the middle of the cold Toronto night, tears streaming down her face.

"Mom…I love you," Clare said as Helen pulled her into another tight squeeze.

"I love you too sweetheart – I always have. You're so far from your path, sweetheart," Helen gently said, "But I have no doubt you'll get back there. It's been a long hard road for a while now for you, love, but you're the most important thing in my life…and I'm so sorry if lately I haven't been expressing that. We'll make it through, Clare," Helen said.

"What happens now?" Clare asked, her tone reminding Helen so much of when Clare was a little girl.

"Now…now it's going to be hard. Jake and Myra were taken into police custody after all – after the police caught the dealer who broke into our house," Helen sighed.

"What? Why?" Clare asked in shock.

"Possession of marijuana…and some other drugs. The police has a legal duty to do that…after what I'm assuming the dealer told them. They apprehended Jake and Myra at our house late last night…they were just returning from some sort of concert? Anyway, not important. They are spending the night in jail, sweetheart," Helen said.

"Jake…in jail?" Clare whispered incredously

"Possession is pretty cut and dry, sweetheart. I won't even begin to tell you how furious Glen is. You know he's pretty easy going about most things…but not about lying. When he found out about well…you and Jake, as well as the fact that Jake had relapsed into what Glen had thought was a problem he had overcome….well, he was very mad. I wanted to post Jake's bail, but Glen stopped me. He was furious, and he said that after everything he did with Jake…that if he still didn't learn, that a night in juvi was exactly what he needed…so he wouldn't let me bail him out," Helen explained.

"Wow," Clare sighed. "But…just the night…then he's out, right?" Clare asked.

"I'm afraid things are a little more complicated than that, sweetheart," Helen said.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked in fear.

"Well, Myra gave in her own affidavit, and she let it slip that…she let the nature of you and Jake's relationship slip, as well as the fact that you are step siblings by law," Helen continued slowly.

"But nothing that Jake and I did was illegal! We're not related by blood!" Clare said as she felt a cold sweat take over her body.

"That's true…but it's not that simple, Clare. You and Jake are both minors…Child Protective Services will be involved…the police officers said they had no choice but to refer them to our case as we have one now," Helen said, barely believing her own words.

"What? Why?" Clare asked.

"Because….sweetheart…you were checked into the hospital with wounds that were the indirect result of a physical altercation…there are drugs involved…as minors, you and Jake did things your parents were unaware of. Do you know embarrassing it was for me to have the police officers ask me how I didn't know about you and Jake? They don't even believe me, Clare, it sounds so ridiculous," Helen said as Clare flinched.

Helen continued, "It's policy…a legal obligation for the police…they suspect domestic violence…and they doubt your safety in my home," Helen sighed.

"What? That's ridiculous!" Clare protested.

"Clare Diana Edwards, I'm going to ask you something and you'd better be honest with me. With Jake…that night…did you want to? Or did he talk you into it?"

"Mom, he did not abuse me! I…was the one who suggested it," Clare painfully admitted as Helen placed her hand over her mouth and nodded, trying to be strong for Clare.

"And he never pushed you? Clare, even if he shoved you out the door, into his truck, onto the bed – just once – that's domestic violence. And it's not your fault, sweetheart, it's not your fault if it happened," Helen clarified.

"Mom, Jake might have hidden his drug use, but you know him! You know he'd never hurt me!" Clare pointed out.

"Okay, Clare. But the investigation isn't to prove that. It's an evaluation of your safety and well-being. As a minor, you are under my legal protection, and the fact that I didn't know you were having a sexual relationship while under my roof is no bonus points for me, I assure you that. You had a hospital visit, you were placed in a dangerous position, and the police said the courts will investigate if your healthy cognitive development is at risk. Clare…there are just simply too many suspicious factors…drugs…violence…a relationship that is incongruent with healthy cognitive development…my custody of you is at risk here," Helen explained.

"What? Mom, I don't want to live with Dad! With Dad and his mistress! Mom, I won't do it! I like living with you, and I could find a way to deal with living with Jake too…mom, don't let them take me away!" Clare pleaded.

"I'm going to fight with everything I've got and I won't stop until everything is okay," Helen told Clare as she tightly gripped her hand.

"Mom….this is bad…this is really bad," Clare whispered in horror.

"We're going to live in the condo, okay? Just you and me, for a while," Helen said. "Your father is away, out of town for a conference, but I've already talked to him and he says that's fine. He doesn't really use it anymore. He sends you the best, he was really worried, Clare," Helen said.

"I bet," Clare scoffed.

"Sweetheart…we're doing that because we are following all of the appropriate channels until we have our hearing, all right? And…there is one thing that the police have recommended that you have to do tonight, all right?" Helen asked.

"What is it mom, I'll do anything," Clare said in desperation.

"The police….and the law…you see, sweetheart, sometimes girls say they haven't been abused – by anyone, they really are not targeting Jake, but someone just broke into our house – because they're embarrassed, or ashamed," Helen gently explained, trying to keep herself together for Clare.

"Mom, I really wasn't," Clare repeated again.

"And I know that sweetheart. But the law doesn't always rely on word. It can't. It needs…evidence," Helen said. "There's a special test that doctors do…an exam…to check for…for sexual abuse," Helen said in a shaky voice.

"Oh God, no, mom, please don't make me do that," Clare whispered in horror.

"It's not my choice. There's a court order for it that came at the recommendation of the officers. And…Clare…it's a good thing. The doctor will check for STDs at the same time, and you need to have that done anyway, since you just had sex," Helen painfully said.

"Condom," Clare whispered in embarrassment.

"Not always effective…and in light of Jake cheating…all the things we know about him now…do you really think you can trust where he's been? Clare, you have to do this exam, and your doctor is on his way now," Helen said as Clare saw her doctor walking down the hall, and sure enough, he flashed Eli a confused look when he reached her door, but showed him his ID – as he was required by law to do.

"No, no," Clare screamed as she drew her robe around her. This was the last thing that she wanted…her privacy being invaded in this awful way by a stranger.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Clare screamed in hysterics as she saw the doctor approach her with a kind smile, which had Eli bursting in the room within seconds.

"What are you doing to her?" he asked in anger as the doctor put his hands up and Helen explained, "Eli, please wait outside," with a sigh.

"I'm not leaving her in here with this creep – no offense doc," Eli said.

"None taken," the doctor said, being used to this sensitive type of test.

"Clare did he hurt you?" Eli said as he raced over to her bed.

"Eli…don't let him, don't let him," Clare whispered, placing all of her faith in Eli.

"Eli, get outside," Helen said impatiently. "Sweetheart, relax," Helen began, but she was interrupted by a very frustrated Eli.

"No! What on earth is going here? What kind of hospital is this?" Eli asked in anger.

"Eli, Clare needs a test done that will tell me, her mother, if she's been sexually abused. Seeing how my daughter has lied to me for months, I'd like it done. And if you really love her as much as I think you do," Helen said as Clare's cheeks blushed a deep red and Eli's eyes widened at Helen's imprudence, "then you will want this test done too," she finished.

"I don't want some creep touching her – again, no offense doc. There's gotta be some other way," Eli said, shifting uncomfortably.

"None taken," the doctor repeated.

Eli then sighed as he said, "For God's sake, isn't there a female doctor in this entire hospital at least? Clare…your mom says you have to do this according to the law," Eli said, his tone getting gentler now.

"The young man has a point, I will find a female attending, all right Clare?' the doctor asked and Clare nodded with tears in her eyes.

"Oh Clare," Eli sighed before shutting his eyes tightly. "I…I can't…no matter what I do, I fail you. I can stop them from touching you – over my dead body…but…if you don't do this, what does that mean with all the cops stuff?" Eli asked.

"We lose," Helen said.

"It's okay," Clare said, "I'll do it. Eli, please get out, this is so embarrassing. Thank you. A female doctor is a lot better," Clare said, and Eli did as he was told.

Of course he identified the pretty young doctor with the long curly brown hair who came down to Clare's room before letting her in.

"Clare?" the kind doctor with a heart of gold asked gently. "My name is Dr. Cameron, I'm from the department of obstetrics and gynaecology," she said as Clare flashed her a scared look.

Dr. Cameron let Clare have all the time in the world in saying goodbye to her mom, after which she walked to each window of the room and shut the blinds tightly. Clare then saw her put on a pair of gloves and she approached her bedside as Clare was overcome by fear and light tears.

"Do you understand why we're doing this exam today?" Dr. Cameron asked with a kind smile.

"The police wants it," Clare replied it.

"Yes. The report I produce will be used as evidence in your custody hearing. I see that you say you have not been harmed, and I believe you, Clare. I believe you. So let's just get this over with, okay?" the young doctor asked Clare with an encouraging smile and Clare nodded, though she was still plagued by fear.

As if it wasn't bad enough…what had happened with Jake…how cheated and betrayed Clare felt…how she no longer felt good within her own skin…now…now she had to stand in this bed, exposed to a perfect stranger…Clare wanted to die, right then and there.

Dr. Cameron moved to the end of Clare's bed and said, "Your chart says you've had sexual intercourse only once," she remarked. "When was that?" Dr. Cameron gently asked Clare.

"Just two days ago," Clare said, and the doctor's heart ached for the scare girl lying on the bed in front of her. But she knew that it was her duty to help Clare, even if Clare did not see this as helping.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Clare, and if at any point you feel uncomfortable, please let me know and I will stop," Dr. Cameron said, before she explained in detail what she would be doing and what she would be checking for.

She then softly said, "I'm just going to lift your knees, after which I will separate your legs, and just try to relax. Clare, this is okay for me to do because _I am a doctor. This is okay for me to do because I am a doctor and there is a legal order that requests it. This is never okay for anyone else, doctor or not, to do this without your consent. Do you understand me, Clare?_ Do you understand why I am doing this, and why without your consent no one is allowed to do this to you?' Dr. Cameron asked.

"Yes," Clare painfully whined.

"Okay. I'm not going to hurt you. You're okay," Dr. Cameron patiently told Clare before beginning her exam.

When Eli heard sobs from the other side of the door, he knew that he couldn't take it anymore. But when he tried to enter the room, he found that it was locked, and Helen gently tried to calm him down, to get his tears to stop, but it wasn't until Dr. Cameron came out of the room that Eli stopped whispering 'how could I let that happen to her, we've got to stop it'.

"She's fine. Clare's fine," Dr. Cameron said as Helen gave her a grateful smile, rolling her eyes at how Eli had already torpedoed into Clare's room. He had gone downstairs hours ago, and all of his bags were still outside, so Helen gently carried them in.

When she saw how Clare immediately cried out for Eli and held out her arms for a hug, she decided to return to the hallway and watch them through the glass window, setting the blinds apart again so she could do so.

Eli tightly hugged Clare, being careful not to touch her injured arm, and he was running his fingers through her hair over and over again, and Helen could hear him saying, "Oh, Clare, it's okay, it's over, it's all over now, and you did so well," through the slightly open door.

Helen saw her daughter's chest heaving wildly against Eli's as she buried her head in his neck, and…she knew that Clare might be clinging to a newfound safety with Eli, but she realized that she didn't mind. He was helping Clare calm down right now, and that was a good thing, Helen knew.

"Oh Eli…it was awful," Clare whimpered in their embrace.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I never should have let her touch you, I tried to come in but – " Eli began.

"No, I had to…I had to do it. But…Eli…she..she had to-" Clare whimpered, faltering.

"I can't imagine how you feel, I'm so sorry, Clare. But it's over. No one will ever touch you unless you want them to…and that wedding night you mentioned…the only thing on your husband's mind will be how he is the luckiest bastard alive to get to spend the rest of his days with you, I guarantee you," Eli said as he brushed Clare's curls away from her face.

"It's over, it's over," Clare whispered over and over again as Eli's hands rubbed circles in her back.

"I won't let anybody hurt you anymore," Eli replied in a soft tone.

Eli knew how she must feel…horribly invaded in the most private way. He knew…as he held her shaking body he knew that Clare felt that her body was no longer hers, and he was scared. He was so scared, because he didn't know how to make her better. So he did the only thing that he knew how. He just held her, whispered comforting words to her over and over again, and after a while, he softly told her, "I got you a few things from the gift shop downstairs…some nice pyjamas, those robes are so uncomfortable and you don't have to ear yours because it's only your arm, it's okay, some books and magazines, some music, and some real food from the White Spot across the street, and I'll go get you a Starbucks vanilla latte too, okay? There's also a hairbrush and some of that girly stuff that comes in a kit, like the ones Fiona is crazy about, and…maybe it'll feel better, to get changed, okay?" Eli suggested, and with her mom's help, Clare was all changed and she asked Eli back in.

"You look so pretty," he said with a soft smirk as he took in her soft satin pink pyjamas and the white silk robe that he had gotten her.

"I love it…Eli you didn't have to do all of this," Clare gently told him.

"The only good thing about being stuck in the hospital," he replied with a smirk as he arranged Clare's pretty flowers…pink tulips, he had gotten her, because she had said once that she liked them.

"Eli," Clare asked emotionally, "Did you have anyone to do this for you?"

"Of course. Not a big fan of satin pyjamas myself, or pink flowers though," he responded with a playful frown, using humour to side step the real meaning of Clare's question.

As she heartily ate her blueberry waffles and drank her vanilla latte and hid under the soft purple fleece blanket that Eli had also gotten her, Clare couldn't believe that she began to feel something…so soon.

"What is it?" Eli asked in response to the funny look on her face.

"Eli…I don't feel so…not in control of my own body anymore. It helped me so much, to change, to eat, to be surrounded by all these pretty things…to read. God, Eli, you won't believe how long it's been since I've read something," she said.

"Thank you," she then added emphatically. "I don't know where I'd be without you," Clare told him in a moment of brutal honesty.

Eli's green eyes connected with Clare's with powerful conviction as he replied, "Seems to me that you would have been just fine. Just fine," he replied, bringing a soft smile to Clare's lips as Helen also mirrored that smile as she looked on from outside.


	3. You Can Still Beat the Odds

XXXXXXXXXXX

Helen fixed the lid on her coffee cup and headed back to the second floor of the hospital with sadness and fear dripping from her every pore.

_How did we get here?_ She kept asking herself….over and over again. It wasn't supposed to be this way – after the horrible way that she had been betrayed by her ex-husband, she really thought that she had found happiness again. Glen…had made the big gesture. When it had been time to remove Jake from the environment of the old town they had lived in…he had chosen Toronto. Toronto, not any other city, and Helen knew what it meant. And things went so beautifully with him – she never thought she would heal after Randall's betrayal…but then she had found herself laughing, smiling, and feeling…loved. Truly loved. She never would forget the night that Glen told her 'I'm in. This thing that we're doing here….me and you…I just want you to know I'm all in," explaining to her that he knew that she wanted marriage, and he was ready to provide it whenever she felt ready. Tears had filled their eyes, and they had decided to get marries quickly. Quickly because they were not teenagers, not even young adults anymore. Time wasn't on their side, and they knew it. They both wanted companionship, and they knew it.

Helen feared they'd never overcome this now. This…was bad. Jake was going to be picked up by his furious dad after spending a night in jail, he had unfortunately gotten involved with drugs again, kicking back all the progress that he made just like that – and Clare…Clare was a mess, Helen thought with a tear. Helen knew Jake was not a bad boy – just a nice boy who had gotten involved with some bad people, and Clare really wasn't physically hurt seriously - she had glue stiches that would be removed today – the doctors had insisted on keeping her overnight because of her abnormally high blood pressure, which Helen knew was being caused by…her fear. But the emotional damage of everything…of dating Jake in secret…of being betrayed by him…Helen knew that hit Clare hard, and she worried about bringing Clare back along her proper path.

She was really concerned for Clare, afraid she'd head down an even worse spiral of stress and fear – afraid that she'd…

"Oh, sorry," Helen heard after opening the door, interrupting her thoughts.

"It's okay. Sorry I woke you," she said as her thoughts then turned to a smile at the sight in front of her, making her think that…that maybe for just now Clare would be fine. Maybe Clare would have wonderful support and be okay, Helen thought as she looked at a sleepy and incredibly messy-haired Eli, whose head has just risen from the side of Clare's bed – he had slept like that the entire night, with his head in his arms, Helen knew. She didn't really have the heart to ask Eli to move after he had just drifted off like that late last night – because she saw the way his hands would begin to slightly shake when Clare's heart rate monitor would start to beep faster than normal.

"You didn't wake me. I was just resting my eyes," Eli said as he squinted, just getting used to the bright lights, making Helen roll her eyes playfully at Eli's attempt to be non-chalant.

She then took a seat on the other side of Clare's bed and gently asked,

"Eli, don't you want to go home for a bit? You look so tired," as Eli really did.

"I promised Clare I'd stay," Eli replied as he stretched a little.

"Well, you can come back of course, but just for a little bit – you've been in here all night," Helen pointed out.

"No…I can't break my promise. And she'll wake up and I won't be here, she'll feel…awful," Eli said, and his words, when combined with the look in her eye made Helen look down at the ground sadly and she then decided to ask something that she had wanted to know for a long time now.

"Eli…you're a proper young man, you know. I…I'd like to know why you acted the way you did…crashing your car," she finally said.

She felt guilty as she saw Eli's whole body deflate and a deep sadness took over his eyes as he softly said, "I'm…bipolar. Not that that justifies anything. I didn't know until…May, I saw doctors after the crash because…well, because it sort of became clear to me and to my parents that I wasn't just a really weird kid…there was something wrong with me…mentally. But they had trouble diagnosing me…but they sent me to a specialist and…she said I was bipolar. And I think she's right, because the treatment she set out for me has made me feel better than I have...in a long lone time," Eli explained, and Helen saw that all the energy seemed to be completely drained from his body.

"Oh, Eli," she softly gasped. "I didn't know," she added.

"It's okay. Mrs. Edwards," Eli said, using the name that he was most comfortable with, "If there's one thing I regret about everything…it's how I treated Clare. I hate myself for it," Eli said as he looked her in the eye. "I love her more than anything on this planet and all I ever wanted to do was to be her best friend and her boyfriend," he added.

"I know that, Eli, I know you love Clare," Helen admitted point-blank.

"Um, I said loved," Eli said with an awkward laugh.

"Did you?" Helen asked with a raised eyebrow.

Eli sighed deeply and looked out the window as he said, "Just…please don't tell her. She hates it…that I can't let go of my feelings for her. So…just please don't tell her. No one has to know….that I'll always love her," Eli replied with teary eyes.

"Eli…Clare's young, you know. So are you," Helen said. "It's hard to make it work when you're young," she further pointed out.

"I know…I just thought…I never meant to make her show some huge commitment that would be inappropriate for our age. I just…I just thought we had a real chance of staying best friends and together…just helping each other, studying together, having fun together…but I was wrong. Very wrong, and I of course screwed it up in the most intense way possible," Eli said as he finally stood up and walked to the window.

Helen could tell by the sag of his shoulders that he was spent…that he was done talking about it…that he could take no more.

It was perhaps for the best that the door then opened, and a soft, "Eli? Clare?" was heard, and Helen smiled when she saw Eli's dad on the other side.

"Dad, hey," Eli softly said as he walked over to his dad and Helen saw him give his dad a hug for the first time ever.

"Hey big guy," Bullfrog replied as he joked about Eli looking like a Medusa as he gestured up at his hair. "You all right? How's Clarebelle?" and Helen smiled at Bullfrog's nickname, never having heard that one before.

"She's good," Helen said, "And I believe a lot of that has to do with how wonderfully Eli calmed her down," as she cast as smile Bullfrog's way.

"This one?" Bullfrog said, pointing an index finger at his son. "Calm someone down? You sure you're talking about the right kid?" Bullfrog teased as Helen smiled back.

"Positive," she replied, making Eli slightly blush.

"Glad he wasn't a little brat. I brought breakfast," Bullfrog said as he held up a paper bag. "I got Clare a BLT and blueberry waffles, and I got you the same Mrs, I wasn't sure what you liked," he added, and Helen's heart swelled when she realized that somehow Eli's dad knew Clare's favourites.

"That's so nice of you, and I love it," Helen replied with a smile.

"She's all right? What is that bandage on her arm?" Bullfrog asked, keeping his voice quiet as Clare's sedative-helped sleep was still very much in progress.

"She has glue stiches, supposed to be coming out today. But other than that, she's perfect. Just has an irregular heart rate so the doctors want to keep her under observation a little later, but she'll be coming home soon," Helen informed Bullfrog.

"Mom? Eli?" was then heard in a soft, raspy voice as Clare's eyes fluttered open and she stood up, smiling when she saw that she didn't have to wear the awful robe anymore – her mind was then pleasantly flooded by the memories of Eli's comforting words and touches last night and the way that he had bought her all the things that he judged she would like in order to be more comfortable. Clare's heart ached when she realized that…of course he knew…because he had been in here too…injured badly…and maybe he had wanted those things. Maybe he had wished for those things too. Clare hoped that Bullfrog had gotten them for Eli, and she hated that…she was only thinking of this now.

"Hi sweetheart," Helen said as she moved to Clare's bedside quickly. "How did you sleep?" she asked.

"Fine," Clare said with a small smile. "Hi, Bullfrog," she then said with a soft smile and pink cheeks as Bullfrog gave her a tiny smile back.

"Hi, Clarabelle. Long-time no see. You okay? I got you some breakfast – BLT and blueberry waffles," Bullfrog said.

"I'm fine. Thank you so much for doing that, you shouldn't have," Clare replied softly, her pink cheeks and girlish ways making Bullfrog steal glances at Eli's reactions to her sweetness…and thinking 'of course'. Eli was looking at her like she was the only thing in the world, making Bullfrog want to crack a joke about it…and had he not known that it would only be furthering Eli's heartbreak…he would have. But he didn't.

"I wanted to, and I was off the radio show in perfect time for breakfast today," Bullfrog justified as he began handing out all the food and cutlery.

He then joked, "I'll never understand the food in this place, man. If you're not sick coming in here, you sure will if you eat it. That green jello they got ain't gonna make anyone better," Bullfrog said.

"Tastes like Coke, I actually liked that one," Eli said absent-mindedly as he looked at the ground, making Clare want to burst into tears…just at those words…she wasn't even sure why.

"Come on dig in, you're going to need your strength," Bullfrog encouraged her, and after a pleasant breakfast he gave Eli one last hug, the setting they were in making him a bit more emotional.

"How's Cece?" Clare then burst out.

"She sends you all her love, sweetheart," Bullfrog gently said. "She wanted to come…but she can't. She just can't. She…didn't even come when…" Bullfrog hesitated. "…when Eli had his accident. She just can't, but it doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. It's just that…Eli was born in this hospital –"Bullfrog said.

"Dad-" Eli began.

"No, I want to hear," Clare said gently.

"It's just that…Eli was born in this hospital, her happiest day, and mine too. She just…she can't come back in here…it's the way she wants to remember it…not any other way, you know? And Clarabelle…my wife and I already lost someone who was like a daughter to us in this hospital. Cece just can't…she can't come back here, but she's very worried about you," Bullfrog finished, and Clare noticed that Eli had returned to the window, facing away from everyone.

"I understand," Clare said with a smile. "Thank you for a great breakfast though…I feel so taken care of," Clare said with a shy smile as she pulled the purple fleece blanket that Eli had gotten her a little higher, snuggling into it.

"I hope so," Bullfrog replied. "I gotta get back to your mom though, Eli," Bullfrog said and he approached Eli and said something to him discreetly, but the small room made it not-so-discreet.

"Eli, Dr. Gibson called, she can't make the appointment today – her son has a broken arm and she cancelled her entire day. So we'll reschedule it for some time at the end of next week, okay?" Bullfrog asked and Eli just simply nodded.

"Sounds good, dad, no worries," Eli then quietly replied.

"Thought you'd stick around here…that what you're planning?" Bullfrog asked.

"It depends on what Clare wants," Eli then whispered.

"Call if you need a ride," Bullfrog then said before turning around and saying goodbye to everyone as Eli cleaned up breakfast and then plopped down in a chair.

Just as Clare tried to begin to say something to him, Eli saw her doctor – and the doctor who had done that awful exam on her – enter the room.

"And how's my favourite patient today?" Clare's doctor said as he picked up her chart and studied it.

"I'm fine," Clare replied softly. "Can I go home today?" she asked hopefully.

"Hmm," her doctor replied, his eyes still on the oscillating parts of her heart rate activity chart. "Not today, Clare. I'd like to have you one more night for observation…still not stable enough yet," the doctor said.

"Really?" Clare asked, dismayed.

"Yes, Clare, really," the doctor strictly replied.

Clare exhaled in disapproval and pouted a little, making her doctor give her a strange glare in response.

"Dr. Cameron has your STD panel results," her doctor then said.

"Oh my God!" Clare gasped, extremely embarrassed that Eli was in the room. She wanted to die at the thought that Eli knew…she had to have that test.

"Eli get out," she said at once, and Eli was actually relieved to do so, but extremely worried about the results of the test. Never in a million years did he think he'd have to worry about Clare being in such a situation…but Eli also thought that…Jake surely couldn't have had anything, and Clare had told him that they were safe…in that heartbreaking moment in which…Eli had had to ask. It had taken all his power for this mind not to race with visions of how…Clare had given herself to Jake in that way.

_STOP IT…_he had to tell himself all over again_…she brought him to her bed…NO DON'T THINK DON'T THINK DON'T THINK STOP IT STOP IT…she laid down with him, kissed him and let him take her clothes off, let him touch her everywhere…she wanted it….STOP IT DON'T DON'T DON'T STOP IT STOP IT_

But she had been safe, and Eli figured that her mom was probably just making her take this test to be on the safe side.

"Eli?" he then heard as the door opened, "Clare wants you now," Helen added.

"Hey you," Eli said gently to the girl he loved, "Everything okay? No problems?" he asked.

"The test didn't come back positive for anything…I'm fine…can we please never mention it again?" Clare said, her face red as a crab.

"Never again, promise," Eli said categorically, and Clare rewarded him with a grateful smile.

"Eli...I want to read but the IV makes me dizzy," Clare then shyly said.

"I can read to you," Eli supplied.

"Would you?" Clare asked with a smile.

"Yeah, you'll get a headache if you try on your own, trust me," Eli said.

"Did…did someone read to you?" Clare asked in a shaky voice.

"Not important," Eli said with a dismissive wave, startled when Helen's phone rang.

"It's Glen, I have to take this, I'll be right outside guys," Helen said as she left.

"So…what'll be?" Eli said, and he then read the few stories in The New Yorker that Clare selected.

"You tired?" he then asked as he looked down at her with nothing but love in his eyes, and he gently moved her bangs out of her eyes, hoping she wouldn't mind.

"I don't know why," Clare said in a soft voice.

"IV hits you hard, and it's a pretty sleepy place over all," Eli said with a shrug. "Want my iPOD?" he asked as he reached around the chair to his jacket. "Taylor Swift playlist can maybe help you sleep," he said, and Clare's heart swelled at how...Eli remembered that she liked those songs, and that she always felt that they calmed her down.

She grabbed Eli's iPod and scrolled through its artists.

"Um, no, connect to the iTunes store and buy them," Eli softly told her.

Clare then felt something she hadn't in a long time…not so deeply anyway, as she whispered, "You deleted them".

"After the play. Clare…I just couldn't have them on there anymore…I just couldn't," Eli said, sounding completely exhausted. "They reminded me too much of you, but I'd like you to buy them again, come on,' Eli said as he led Clare through the process on iTunes.

"It's okay?" she asked shyly.

"More than okay," Eli confirmed with a smirk.

Just twenty minutes later, Clare was asleep again, and Eli managed to get away for about twenty minutes to have a shower and change his clothes, after Helen told him it was fine.

When he came back, he was glad to find Clare still asleep, and when she softly stirred awake, loving the feel of her soft sating pyjamas, she giggled and said,

"You shaved," as she reached up and touched Eli's cheek, something he never expected her to do.

"Just ran home to have a shower," he said slowly, because Clare's touch was making it hard for him to focus.

"You look good," Clare said, and Eli wasn't sure that he could take much more of this.

"Hey, can you help me with something?" Clare then asked with a smile.

"Of course. What is it?" Eli asked her.

"Can you go to…I don't know the proper name of it…but the area of the hospital that deals with drug abuse? Marijuana and cocaine especially…" Clare said with a thoughtful look on her face, and she felt Eli move away from her as he nodded slowly.

She then added, "I need…just some pamphlets on how to find proper help for the ones you love…how to help them…the things you're supposed to do as they get better…how to get them through everything…just, you know, how to help, something like that. Anything you find, just grab it okay?" Clare asked, and she watched in slight confusion as Eli wouldn't meet her gaze and he seemed to become…all frigid.

"Eli? Can you do that? I just need to know what to do…I'm not allowed to get the information myself because I can't walk, but I need to have it, so I know what I have to do," Clare justified.

His voice was raspy and his whole body was frigid as he looked out the window and said, "Of course," walking out of the room in the next minute.

He was back just fifteen minutes later, passing by Helen in the hallway who was saying something about court-ordered rehab.

"Here you go," Eli said as he threw the pamphlet collection on the table by the side of Clare's bed.

"Thanks," Clare said as she reached for them eagerly.

"Oh wow, you got tons," she said happily.

"Toxicology. It's called toxicology, it turns out. Some nurse told me," Eli said, not adding how the nurse had looked him up and down and Eli knew what she was thinking as she took in his clothes.

"This is great! It's exactly what I need to know to help," Clare said happily.

"Yeah, glad it's up to your standards," Eli said, and Clare picked up on his bitter tone.

"What's wrong?' she asked in confusion.

"Nothing. Hey, you seem all better now, I'm gonna go, okay?" Eli asked.

"What? Why? Don't go," Clare insisted.

"I don't think you need me anymore. I think you're back to your old self, you're all good now," Eli said, sounding just a bit angry.

"What's gotten into you?" Clare asked, raising her voice.

"I think I should go," Eli said as he unclenched his fists.

"Oh. I see. Give me a taste of my own punishment, huh?" Clare asked with a piercing glare.

"That's got nothing to do with it. I already told you I'm sorry for making you promise things that weren't fair. I didn't know what I was really asking of you, Clare, and I get that now," Eli replied.

"Then what's this about?" Clare asked in fury.

"Nothing. I just….I should go," Eli replied.

"Oh, please!" Clare yelled, plain angry now. "You're manipulating me all over again!" she accused.

"Damn it Clare!" Eli replied. "You don't get it, do you? You still don't get it? I never tried to manipulate you! I never crashed Morty to get you to come to the hospital…I crashed Morty because I thought it would magically solve all of our issues…like a crazy fool," Eli scoffed.

"And you're still angry at me for leaving you! Eli, I was terrified! I was scared, you can't blame me for wanting that to end," Clare pointed out.

"And I wasn't? I wasn't scared? I wasn't terrified?" Eli screamed back at her.

"That's not fair," Clare said as she crossed her arms in front of her.

"I was scared too! I was scared that what was going on with you would ruin us! That I could never show you what true love was because of your parents' divorce…that you wouldn't believe me, that you wouldn't trust me…that you'd see me as just a guy whose home life is all black, who drives a hearse, who just skips with you, who's an atheist, who's…all wrong. All I wanted was a chance! All I ever wanted was for you to listen to me…damn it Clare, you don't know how scared I was about you! How scared I am about you now," Eli said.

"Oh I get it! You're mad I made you pick up that stuff for Jake," Clare said, glaring at Eli.

"Clare…I think you're fine now. I think I'm going," Eli said, picking up his jacket.

"That's right, Eli, leave! Walk away from me! It's what you're best at," Clare shot at him.

She then heard Eli gasp and he turned around, an icy stare in his eyes as he gritted out, "No, Clare. It's what _you're_ best at. Good luck standing by Jake…who by the way, hasn't even told you he wants to change," Eli said.

"He does!" Clare pointed out.

"And I wish you nothing but the best! Hope he loves you forever and ever!" Eli shot, before walking out and slamming the door powerfully.

As she stood in silence for a few minutes on her own, Clare felt her body begin to softly tremble as she went over Eli's words again and again in her mind.

"Clare, what on earth just happened here?" Helen came in and asked. "Why did I just walk past Eli in tears on the hall, putting on his jacket as he was sobbing? He wouldn't stop for me," Helen asked.

"Nothing! All I did was ask him to pick me up some pamphlets on how to help Jake," Clare pointed out.

"Oh, Clare," Helen sighed deeply. "What on Earth made you think that was a good idea?" Helen asked.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked.

"Clare…twisting the knife more? Asking Eli to get pamphlets on how…you can stand by Jake…ring a pattern? That's so cruel," Helen said. "What point were you trying to make?" Helen asked.

"What? No? No point…I was just…I never thought of it like that," Clear defended herself.

"Oh, Clare," Helen sighed. "Poor Eli, he's dying out there," Helen said. "And helping Jake is no business of yours, sweetheart – it's mine and his father's…Glen already found a great facility…Jake was ordered to go to rehab by the judge," Helen said. "You won't see him until he's out, Clare…that's my rule. You won't go visit him. Aren't you mad at him…for how he hurt you?" Helen asked, a little shocked.

"I never meant it as more than family…mom, he's family…and I'm scared. I'm scared that if we don't do everything right…they'll take me away from you. You said, you said, Child Services was investigating us! I can't leave home, mom, I can't leave…I want to be with you…so I thought I would start researching," Clare explained.

"Oh, sweetheart," Helen said as she embraced her daughter…"No… that is not your job. You being close to Jake will only get us in more trouble now, don't you realize? It's a bad idea, sweetheart," Clare said.

"I…Eli…Eli's hurt?" Clare then asked, sounding emotional as she was flooded by regret. "I…I said some pretty mean things," she recognized. "I thought he'd leave," Clare said.

"He's sitting in the coffee shop at the end of the hall, crying his heart out! Clare…he's dying out there…he's just…it's so sad…he's crying so hard," Helen said.

"We have to go get him!" Clare said. "I need to explain," she added. "I don't need my IVs anymore, mom, they took them out, I can walk," Clare said, and with Helen's help she got to the end of the hall.

However, Clare saw that Eli was now sitting with a woman who had very curly hair and that a boy with an arm in a cast was fidgeting nearby. Putting two and two together, Clare realized that Eli had run into his therapist as she had come to the hospital to look after her son's broken arm. And…they were deep in talk…Eli's eyes red and his entire face all blotchy, Clare noticed. So she sat nearby them, noticing that they were so engrossed in their conversation that they wouldn't detect her, or her mom who took a set by her.

Clare heard the woman's son address Eli all of a sudden, interrupting the conversation that Eli was having with his therapist.

"I don't get it. You're in high school right?" the twelve-year old asked.

"Yeah," Eli nodded.

"So…isn't there lots of girls in high school? Why are you talking so much about one of them? About Clare?" the twelve year old asked, and Eli knew that he would have to find a way to explain things so the younger boy could understand.

He exhaled deeply before a soft smile took over his face and he said, "It's…just…when you love someone…when you love a girl…it's like…it's like there's a huge picture of her in front of you all the time. And that picture is so big, that you simply just can't see any other girl," Eli finished as Clare teared up at his words. It was so perfect…but so beautiful, and she knew it.

"Oh, Eli," his therapist sighed. "This has been a long day for you. Maybe you should come home now," she suggested.

"But…but…" Eli hesitated.

"But you promised her. But you don't want to leave her alone in a hospital, because you know how scary that is and how awful that feels," his therapist supplied.

"Exactly," Eli replied as Helen gave her daughter a meaningful look.

"Eli…you've done so well. Come so far," his therapist said. "I'm really sorry this had to happen to Clare. You've been a good friend, but there's a limit – there's a limit to how much you can take too, Eli, and you know I always tell you you have the right to be happy too. Your feelings matter too, Eli, they matter too," his therapist said.

"It was…it was just…so hurtful. He does all these awful things to her, over and over again…and she can't wait to stand by him. I just don't get it," Eli said in a teary voice.

"Oh, Eli," his therapist sighed. "Clare's a young girl. A young, confused girl, who…who probably could benefit from talking to someone like me herself right around me. But you need to stop carrying around all of this blame now. I don't think you owe Clare anything anymore. Her heart wants what it wants, even though her relationship with her step brother has 'bad idea' written all over it; there's even involvement from Child Protective Services now because that family situation, mixed with drugs, mixed with everything…it just….it raises questions, Eli. But you…that's enough now, Eli. You did well. You did good in taking care of Clare. But it's time to take of yourself now," his therapist advised him.

"But what's the point?" Eli sighed.

"What do you mean?" his therapist countered.

"I mean that…I'm tired now, Dr. Gibson. It's been so much…so many tears….so much heartbreak…so much hurt…that she's forgotten all the good. She doesn't want me, and she never will. And you know what I hate most? It's that I know she's right. I wouldn't want me either…because I know where I'm going. I'm not going to be a writer…who wants to read the writing of a crazy raving lunatic…writing from the mental ward?" Eli said as he succumbed to tears and hid his face.

"Eli! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. That's not going to happen to you – and you'll have to trust my professional opinion on that one. Eli…you'll go far. I know you will. And then you won't even remember who I am when I come to you to sign a copy of your recent bestseller," his therapist said with a smile. "And I never want to hear you say that again – I told you. I can tell. I have had many patients, Eli, and I can tell you'll beat this. You're doing so well, Eli…you won't even need me soon. I think around the time of graduation, you and I will have our last session, you know," his therapist said with a smile.

"Really?" Eli asked.

"Well now, don't sound so eager to get rid of me already!" Dr. Gibson said with a laugh. "But I think so, Eli. Look at how you've handled this situation for example – you stayed calm and made sure Clare was safe, and you got her everything she needed, and…you were there for her, Eli. And I'm not saying it should be compared, but…you were there for her in a way that she could not be there for you…and she's not even your girlfriend now. It's time, Eli. It's time to stop carrying around all that guilt…because it'll consume you to the point where everything that is brave and special about you is gone. And you can't let that happen Eli…because you're a very special young man. And…you love well, Eli, you love exceptionally well. That love will find the right girl eventually. And the time will be right – you'll be a lot better equipped, you'll know yourself better – you already do. And it will be a beautiful thing, and you'll look back at your time with Clare with some sadness, but…it'll be just a chapter in a book, Eli. You'll always love her, we both know that…but you'll also have someone who will be the love of your life, and if it's not Clare…well then it's not Clare. Who knows who she is? She might even be someone you've already met. But whoever she is Eli…she'll be a lucky girl. She'll have the rarest boy there is. Someone who doesn't run. Someone who won't go anywhere when things are rough," his therapist finished.

"Thanks, Dr. Gibson," Eli sighed emotionally before Clare watched his therapist leave.

"Eli!" Clare then shouted, making him turn around and sigh.

"I'm sorry!" Clare then desperately said, rising up too fast and feeling woozy. She felt Eli's arms grab her…that was the next thing she knew before she felt herself being lifted by a pair of strong arms who carried her to her bed gently.

"You're not supposed to be out of your bed," she heard Eli gently chastise her as Helen gestured that she was going outside, knowing that Clare wanted to talk to Eli.

"I had to talk to you!" Clare protested. "Eli…I wanted that stuff for Jake…because he's part of my family…and with that investigation, I thought we had to be prepared. I…Eli…Jake hurt me, betrayed me in the worst was possible after staring me in the face and telling me that he'd never hurt me. In a way, I'm glad you know….because nothing could have made me stop all my feelings for him as quickly as that. I'd never, ever, consider him more than my step-brother again. And you know, I'm not all too thrilled about having him as that either, but….I was trying to stop my mom's happiness for a long time, Eli, and she deserves to be happy. I owe her this," Clare justified.

"Clare…it wouldn't be my place to judge," Eli said, but he was secretly relieved to hear that Clare was not considering getting back together with Jake.

"Eli…I'm sorry. For everything, you know. But especially for the way I treated you when you returned to school," Clare said.

"You sleep now, okay? Don't worry about that. I forgive you. And I'm sorry too – for mistreating you so bad, when all I ever wanted to do was love you right," Eli replied.

"I forgive you too. I know, Eli….now that you explained Morty to me and that I've thought about everything…I know that you weren't trying to manipulate me," Clare told him.

"Thank you," Eli said emotionally as he raised Clare's blanket over her body and she smiled at its softness and its purple color, her favourite.

"I love this blanket. Makes me feel…like I'm not in the hospital," Clare said with a smile.

"That's the whole point. Glad to hear it," Eli replied.

"I'm going to take it home with me," Clare said with a giggle. "I asked my mom for a new bed…and I'm going to always keep this on it," Clare said emotionally, and her words and the degree to which she seemed so affected took Eli aback a little.

"Shh. Shh, you sleep now," Eli told her gently as he looked down at her…how she seemed so small in the bed, tucked away under her blanket. He brought his hand to her arm gently and caressed the outside of her bandage gently.

"Did it hurt?" he asked.

"Just a little," Clare said with a smile. "But you're the one who says people find scars attractive," she added playfully.

"I never wanted that for you," Eli said softly. "Besides…you're perfect," Eli whispered as he looked down at her gently. "You're so beautiful…you don't need anything else, Clare…you're perfect, just the way you are," he said gently as Clare bit her lip and blushed deeply, much to Eli's satisfaction.

"Can you…" Clare asked gently, "Can you read to me?"

"Of course," Eli replied, but they were interrupted by Clare's doctor coming in to take her stitches out, something that Helen and Eli were allowed to stay for.

"I'm glad to see her heart rate's better…" the doctor said as he studied Clare's chart analytically, "It's really interesting, actually…it goes down a lot at certain times…last night and…in the past few hours. Have you had a visitor or done anything relaxing in those times, Clare?" the doctor asked as Clare shook her head in confusion.

It was Helen who spoke up, the only one who had made the connection.

"Those are the times that my daughter's best friend – the boy here, Eli – has spent with her one-on-one, just calming her down a bit," Helen said with a smile as both teenagers in the room blushed deeply and looked to different sides of the room, as if the most interesting things in the world were there.

The doctor left soon after that, and Clare announced to her mother that Eli would read to her before she went to bed, which apparently meant that it was time for Helen to call Glen, as Clare's suggestion strongly implied.

All Clare wanted to do was lie in her comfortable pyjamas and have Eli read to her, which did happen, but for only ten minutes before she completely fell asleep. Eli felt himself get a little colder as it got dark outside, so he put on his leather jacket and listened to some music as he watched Clare sleep…she was so beautiful, he thought…just the way she was now…even now, so tired and lying in a hospital bed with no make-up…her sleeping form was the most beautiful thing that Eli had ever seen. Her lips were slightly parted, and he thought it was so strange how he couldn't see his favourite feature of hers – her eyes, as he had previously never gotten the privilege of being around her when she was sleeping. He pulled her blanket up and watched her pretty pink nails clutch it tightly subconsciously as she softly moaned…and Eli wanted nothing more than to kiss her, but he knew he lost that privilege a long time ago.

He startled when the nurse walked into the room and when she said that Clare needed to be moved so the sheets on her bed could be changed, Eli protested at once.

"No, she's sleeping, you'll have to come back," he said.

"She's sleeping with the aid of a sedative, she won't wake up. Either you help me or I'll call another nurse to pick her up. Most people like it when their boyfriends do it though," the nurse said.

"Um…" Eli awkwardly stumbled, "Of course I'll do it," he decided, choosing to skip the clarification, and he gently slipped one of his arms behind Clare's knees and the other behind her back, and he effortlessly lifted her up, supported her head by laying it against his chest, and tightly held her as he sat in a nearby chair. She softly stirred, moving her head along his chest, and the nurse eventually left.

"Shh. I got you," Eli whispered lovingly to her, assuming that she couldn't hear him. "Let's get you back to your nice, warm bed," Eli said as he stood up, but a whimper from Clare made him stop.

He watched her striking blue eyes slowly appear as she stirred, moaning softly in his arms.

"No," she said, her voice sleepy and gaining a conscious grip of him. Eli felt her hand move along his chest softly, resting right above his heart as she softly whimpered and moaned again as she buried her face in his neck.

"Don't move," she said sleepily as Eli felt her inhale deeply. He adjusted her gently in his arms, but Clare just softly moaned again, feeling perfectly content and hugging Eli tightly to her.

"Shh. It's okay," Eli gently said, "Let's get you back to your bed," and he tried getting up again only to have Clare stop him yet again.

"Eli…no…stop," she said in her sleepiness as Eli felt her hand caress his chest again. He felt her curls all over her neck as she stirred in his arms, and he inhaled deeply, just enjoying this moment with her in his arms as Clare hung onto him tightly.

"Only…go back to bed…if you hold me like this," Clare then whispered.

"Clare…come on….that's inappropriate, I'm not your boyfriend anymore," Eli gently whispered to her, wanting to shoot himself right after.

"Eli…I'm not saying anything other than hold me," she said as she burrowed deeper into his embrace. "Please…please…so I won't be scared anymore. I'm scared again…it seems so much scarier at night…the mess with Jake…the mess with the custody…please, Eli…you…you take my fear away. Your touch takes my fear away. Just…please…I know I don't deserve it…but please," Clare said.

When she felt Eli place a small, gentle kiss on her temple she pulled him closer to her as she softly trembled uncontrollably, something that Eli picked up on.

"You deserve the world, Clare," she heard him whisper as he carried her to her bed and got in with her still in his arms. She adjusted herself in his embrace in the bed as Eli placed the blanket on the outside of their embrace. Clare was snuggled into his lap, and she assertively placed his arms around her waist as she moved to her side, hiding her face in his neck again. It had been so long since she had felt that scent….and it was making Clare realize something about what she wanted…and when she wanted it.

"Oh, Clare," she heard Eli say emotionally. "You okay?" he asked, worry in his voice.

"I'm perfect now," Clare said as she moved out of his tight embrace just a little so she could look at him.

"I…I need to feel your touch, Eli…it takes my fear away," Clare said as her blue eyes looked up at Eli.

She then felt his hands push her curls back, which was exactly what she had wanted, and she loved that he kept running his fingers through her hair slowly.

"Clare…you're okay in here. No one's going to hurt you," Eli said.

"You won't let them?" Clare asked with a mischievous smile, playing with Eli just a bit.

"You bet I won't," Eli asked with a smug smirk. Clare then felt his hands return to wrapping around her waist, and she loved how safe he was making her feel, making sure that the blanket properly covered her and fixing it when it slipped, and she loved that he had adjusted his body as she was lying in his lap on her side so that his knees wouldn't hurt her.

Eli felt her softly snuggle into his arms as she sighed deeply, sounding perfectly content as she said, "Last night…it was so bad, in this bed. With that exam," Clare said emotionally.

"Oh, Clare," Eli said emotionally as Clare's heartbeat raced – for an amazing reason- when she felt Eli pull her in a little closer and boldly kiss her forehead.

"Again," she softly said, in all but a whisper as she looked at Eli with perfect confidence.

"What?" Eli asked, slightly confused.

"Kiss. Again," she said, and Eli obliged, his lips touching her forehead softly.

"I don't think I should be doing that, I don't kiss girls who are not my girlfriends," Eli teased, and he didn't know that his words were absolutely loved by Clare…she realized that…she loved that about Eli, that he'd never kiss a girl who he hadn't committed to fully and properly.

"Just a forehead kiss silly," Clare said with a saucy smile, reaching up quickly and catching Eli by complete surprise when she did the same to him, her soft lips touching his forehead after her hand pushed his bangs away.

"Just hold me," Clare softly gasped as she lied back in his embrace and felt Eli push her curls out of her face. "And tell me everything's gonna be okay," she softly breathed.

She felt Eli gently kiss her temple as he softly readjusted her in his arms and he whispered, "Everything's gonna be more than okay, Clare. It's gonna be amazing. Because you are strong, and brave, and smart. You're amazing," she heard him say as she hung onto him tightly for a minute before letting her body completely relax in his embrace.


	4. Not Theirs to Speculate

XXXXXXXXXX

Eli woke up as soon as the sun started shining through Clare's hospital room window, and just a few minutes later he felt her gently stir in his embrace, and her eyes fluttered open as her body stretched a little…an action that made Eli chuckle at Clare's cuteness.

"Mmmm, hi," she said softly to him as Eli felt her grip the sides of his leather jacket.

"Hey," he replied in a sleepy voice. "You okay? Slept well?" he asked as he fixed the blanket that lied on the outside of their embrace.

"Perfect," Clare said with a smile, but she hated how Eli all of a sudden seemed to gain an awareness of where he was and she felt him remove his hands from around her waist. She wondered if she would ask for another forehead kiss….would he give her one?

She was just working up the courage to ask when she heard Eli say in a raspy voice,

"Just let me get out here so you can rest in peace," and she felt his body sliding out from under hers as he got out of bed, careful not to disturb her too much in the process.

She watched him take off his jacket and straighten his messy hair a bit, sleep still in his eyes. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and gave her an embarrassed smirk.

"What's wrong?" she asked, shyness in her voice.

"Nothing," Eli said in his best nonchalant manner, but really he was rather confused. He thought that he shouldn't have done what he did…holding Clare like that all night. It was completely innocent of course, but to him it felt like anything more intimate than anything than they had ever done; more intimate than any of their kisses. It all left his very confused; Clare had asked for it, but…why? Why was she doing these things? He was getting that horrible feeling again…of not knowing why she was acting the way she was, and Eli knew that that had never led to anything good. It had never led to anything good at all.

Eli felt like he had made a mistake, and he desperately wanted someone to tell him that he hadn't, just the way his mom or dad would sometimes tell him that when he was down.

"Thank you for helping me last night," Clare's soft voice told him.

Eli sighed.

"Eli. You didn't do anything wrong," were the next words that came out of Clare's mouth, stunning him. Because they were exactly what he needed to hear.

"But I did," Eli whispered, feeling very nervous now.

"What do you mean? I asked you to, and Eli…it's not like what I did with Jake – not even close. You were just….helping me feel safe," Clare pointed out.

"No…Clare…it was inappropriate. You're not my girlfriend anymore, and I don't…I don't want to do this again," Eli said calmly.

"Do what again?" Clare asked in fear.

"I just…I have rules. And…I don't want to blur them. I…don't hold girls like that who are not my girlfriends…last time I did this…I broke a girl's heart….by not doing things properly, by blurring lines like this," Eli said.

"What are you talking about?" Clare asked.

"Imogen," Eli breathed. "During the play, I used her and completely tossed her away – just like she said. She was right. I was a monster, and I don't deserve to have as much as her look at me again," Eli sighed.

"Oh. You like Imogen," Clare said, feeling her heart sink. She didn't like this – it was different than the past. To her, it had been clear that Imogen had been the one to put the moves on Eli…and now that Clare thought he was interested in her, she felt her heart in her stomach…and she didn't know why…why Eli's words made her feel like this.

"No, I don't…not more than a great friend, which she's been to me ever since the play….not that I deserve it. But…I kissed her imaging her as…you," Eli whispered. "And I knew what I was doing, but…I didn't know what was happening to me when I wasn't taking my meds and…it made me feel okay, even if just for a second, and I wanted to hang on to that okay…to hang on to the words that she said to me, words that I imagined you to say, words that I wrote for you…so I kissed her again and again., and of course she thought I liked her. I don't do things like that – I don't kiss girls unless I want them to be my girlfriends, and I hurt her. A lot. And…she's…she's a really fragile girl, despite the fact that she definitely doesn't give off that vibe," Eli said sadly.

"She seems fine now…like I always see you and Fiona and her around school," Clare pointed out.

"We're good now…but I still can't help but feel awful over it all. When she looks at me, she must remember it. I know she must. Feelings of hurt like that…they don't go away," Eli explained.

"I know…I have to live with them in my house I think," Clare said with a frown.

"I'm sorry about Jake, Clare," Eli said honestly. "I know that you really loved him and that it doesn't seem fair, I really do," he added as he looked at Clare, his eyes full of pain.

"Eli," Clare sighed emotionally, sad that it somehow always came to Eli to comfort her over Jake's hurtful actions.

"No, it's okay, I know. But you can't help who you love…look at me, perfect example of that. But he wasn't right for you, Clare. He just wasn't. I'm just sorry you're suffering over what he did. But just know…that pain like that…it's fast…and it's real, okay?" Eli said as he placed his elbows on her bed from his chair.

"It's…fast?" Clare asked. "Like….it goes away?" she whispered in horror, because she wanted to know Eli's feelings in the moment, and…was he telling there…that there were none?

"Well….its sharpness goes away. You're strong, Clare. You'll get through this. It'll be obvious to the courts that you should be with your mom just as you want too. And then it'll be time for your life to go back to your normal…like you want it so bad to," Eli said with an encouraging smile.

"I do really want that," Clare said emotionally, because Eli was understanding her perfectly.

"It'll happen," Eli affirmed.

"Did it…Has it happened to you?" Clare asked.

"Um…I think my situation's a little different. I wanted my life to go back to normal for a long time…right around the time that I met you and we started being together. I wanted….I wanted to be a better guy for you, Clare. But…I was still dealing with things…with Julia…even though…it was never about her, Clare. I was scared of Fitz," Eli admitted.

"I know that now, Eli. I know that you loved me…for me. I know you weren't thinking that it was all about Julia. It was all about me with you…always," Clare said, thinking of Jake's empty promises.

"Yeah, so…I just wanted it to be okay, you know, for you. And had I known I was bipolar, I would have gotten help, I know I would have. But I had no idea, and neither did my parents. And after Morty, after the play…I know my life will never go back to normal. It's going to have to be a new normal for me…from now on, forever. No amount of apologies will make it go back to normal. And…it's been a time since normal for me, anyway, when you think about it," Eli said with sadness in his voices.

"When you had Julia," Clare said, tearing up.

"Not just then," Eli said as he locked his gaze with Clare's. "I was just a kid then. Things were a lot easier. And I really did love her…but Clare…I've never loved anyone like I love you," Eli said.

"Love?" Clare said, hanging onto a thread of hope.

"I said loved," Eli said with an embarrassed look.

"Did you?" Clare said, and Eli couldn't believe this was happening to him again.

"Yeah…but let's not talk about this. I know you didn't feel the same," Eli said with a brave smirk.

"But…what…what if I do?" Clare asked, taking the big jump.

"That's the IV talking," Eli said with a chuckle. "Clare…the moment in which you were most honest with me…it was when you said 'we are never getting back together'," Eli said with a sigh, and Clare knew he was saying her exact words.

"I-I.." Clare faltered.

"You don't want to. I know it. So I'll leave you alone, don't worry, but know that…I'll always be there, okay? I'll be there for you…just like you let me be in this hospital for the last few days…just a phonecall away, always, okay? Doesn't matter what's going on or if we haven't talked in months…or years…whatever you need, I'll be there, okay? Just tell me…and I'll be there," Eli said, and Clare hated that he was tearing up.

"Eli…what if –" Clare still faltered.

"Clare…you're stressed. Not thinking clearly. You were thinking clearly when you broke up with me, and when you said that to me during the play. I'm glad, you know. I needed to hear both of those things. I get it now, I really do," Eli said as he smirked through his teary eyes.

"How can you still want to be here for me after everything?" Clare asked curiously.

"Easy….you know why…but don't make me say it, okay? Just don't make me say it," Eli whispered before the door opened and Helen walked in.

"Good news, sweetheart – we can go home now – your heart rate results were perfect all through the night – so we can go!" Helen said cheerfully as she took in Eli distancing himself from Clare and swallowing deeply.

"That's good, mom," Clare said in a small voice.

"Come on, let's pack up," Helen said cheerfully, and Eli helped her as best as he could.

"What's wrong with your leg, Eli?" Helen said as she looked at it questioningly.

"Nothing ma'am, just asleep a little," Eli said. "Poor circulation," he added, "in both of them. Nothing new," he shrugged.

"No…there's something about your left especially," Helen remarked.

"Just a bit weaker, it takes a few extra seconds when it's asleep," Eli said, and Clare flinched, realizing that while her position in Eli's embrace was as comfortable as possible, the same might not have been true in his case.

"Weird," Helen said.

"It's because of his car accident, mom. Isn't it, Eli?" Clare then asked as she put on a jacket that her mom had brought over her soft robe.

"Yeah, apparently it happens like that," Eli said with a shrug. "Never bothers me any other time, just leaves me walking with a cool limp sometimes like what you just saw – pretty awesome, sailor style," he said with a smirk, as Clare's mom smiled and rolled her eyes at him, but Clare didn't find anything about the things he just said to be funny.

"Okay, everyone, off to the car, let's get out of this place," Helen then said as she asked Eli to walk Clare down, wanting to give them a few extra moments because after she had seen Clare ask Eli to be held last night, she thought they might want to talk about a few things.

Eli walked Clare down slowly, with her hanging onto his arm. He gently helped her into the car and handed the pink tulips from her room that he had gotten her.

Helen was walking down just in time to see Eli leaning into the car talking to Clare, and as she got into the driver's seat, she smiled sadly.

"Come on, get in," Clare was saying to Eli.

"I think I'm gonna grab the street car. You're tired, Clare, this way you can go straight home," he justified.

"Eli, you live on the way, it's not a problem, get in," Helen piped in.

"It's fine Mrs. Edwards, it's like a ten minute street car ride. I'm fine," Eli said, rubbing his eyes. Clare looked at him sadly, realizing what a toll the past two nights had taken on him…not just physically.

"It's okay, Eli," Clare said softly. "We can drive you," she insisted.

"Don't worry about it. I'll see you at school, okay?" he said optimistically.

"I guess," Clare said dejected as Helen looked in her rear view mirror.

"Thank you for your help, Eli," Clare's mom said. "Very much appreciated. I'll see you around, okay?" she asked, before everyone took their goodbyes.

As Clare leaned her head back in her mom's car, she looked back at Eli's figure in the parking lot. He pulled his leather jacket around him and put his hands in his pockets as he sighed deeply, and he then began walking out of the parking lot as Clare looked down at her hands.

She couldn't help feeling like something was wrong.

"You all right, sweetheart? Everything okay with you and Eli?" Helen asked thoughtfully.

"There's no me and Eli, mom," Clare said with a sigh.

"I don't believe that after the past two days," Helen deadpanned. "Clare…that boy still loves you, and he'd be willing to forgive and forget if you are, I think," Helen said.

"Eli thinks I still love Jake," Clare replied.

"Well, do you?" Helen asked.

"No," Clare said assertively. "He betrayed me…in every way possible," Clare said.

"Sounds to me like Eli has a right to know that you don't. But only if you're serious about it, Clare. Eli's going to be bipolar forever. It's a big commitment. But I trust him with you, you know. I never trusted Jake," Helen deadpanned.

"Mom? It wasn't Jake at the cabin…who fixed my hand. It was Eli. And it wasn't Jake who helped me at school when I threw up. It was Eli," Clare confessed.

"And why did you feel the need to lie to me and tell me that was Jake?" Helen asked.

"Because I wanted Jake…look a little better to you," Clare answered.

"Clare, please. Even if he had done those things, I doubt anything could prove to me a boy is serious more than Eli's words to me with his father," Helen replied.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked, and Helen told her how Eli had identified her when arguing for the lit convention trip.

"That's really sweet," she said with a smile.

"Yes," Helen said. "Well, maybe talk to him soon, Clare. He might…he might find someone else," Helen said.

"Nah," Clare replied. "That wouldn't happen. I don't worry about that with Eli," she said. "He'll always only be re-writing one play in his mind…over and over again…he'll never be done with it," Clare said, full of confidence.

"I wouldn't be so sure, sweetheart. Remember what we heard his therapist say to him. I wouldn't be so sure of that Clare," Helen told her daughter as they paused at a red light.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Okay, so Clare, Jake comes back tomorrow and it'll be time to return to school. No more foolishness, all right?" Helen warned her daughter.

"Promise," Clare said as she grabbed some cereal.

"Milk?" Glen asked.

"Thank you," Clare said, accepting it with a soft smile, glad that Glen wasn't mad at her as well. She had heard some of Glen's phone conversations with Jake…short, to the point…terrifying in Glen's stoic silence, never saying many words.

When Jake got home at that night, Clare greeted him politely as they sat down to dinner.

"Your arm okay?" Jake asked, apologizing profusely again.

"It's fine," Clare replied, adding no more,

"How long were you in the hospital?" Jake asked as he reached for a piece of fried chicken.

"Just two nights," Clare answered, angry at Jake for being so perfectly casual with her. He didn't care, Clare thought. He was perfectly okay with the way things were, and she didn't like that that it made her a little angry.

"Hope it wasn't too bad," Jake said.

"No. It wasn't actually," Clare replied, and Helen didn't like the feisty look in her eye. "Eli was there with me the whole time," Clare added poignantly.

She heard Jake clear his throat in response and he looked at her as he nodded and said, "That's nice. A little bit creepy, but nice," Jake said.

"How is it creepy?" Clare asked.

"Clare-" Helen warned.

"Because it's Eli!" Jake pointed out. "He's weird," he then added.

"You're the weird one!" Clare then screamed in fury at him before leaving the table huffing and puffing.

Glen watched as Helen placed her head in his hands, and he knew that it was time to finally get everyone in check…when he saw how much it was affecting Helen. Glen knew that because of her past, she feared that he wouldn't stay and fight…but of course he would, he knew, and he'd have to get Jake in line.

"Jake, was that necessary?" he asked.

"Just trying to make small talk with her," Jake answered with a shrug. "She's got such a temper though, anything I say sets her off," he added.

"Enough, Jake," Glen said. "You and Clare are going to find a way to get along, you know. This is exactly what I told you when I first told you what you were doing was a bad idea…before you made it an even worse one. This stops now, Jake. Clare's your sister, for God's sake!" Glen said, angry.

"So? What did I do wrong?" Jake asked, exasperated.

"You provoked her. I'd say go apologize, but you know you are not allowed in Clare's room. Ever, Jake. Not even if she asks. You are not to set a foot in there," Glen repeated.

"Relax dad, I don't like her like that anymore," Jake said as Helen got up from the table, wanting to leave Jake and Glen alone together.

"Jake – enough now. Try to stay on Clare's good side, for the sake of my marriage if not for anything else. You're making Helen lose her mind bit by bit. Things between me and her are tense, and we don't deserve this, Jake. We don't deserve this kind of trouble from you and Clare," Glen pointed out.

Jake sighed deeply and said, "You're right, Dad. I know you don't. I'm sorry. But Clare has a short fuse," Jake replied.

"I know she's really dramatic, trust me, which is another reason why getting involved with her was a bad idea. She's not your type, son. She'll never be happy, no matter what you do, something's always gotta be wrong. She's gonna be an annoying sister sometimes, and you'll put up with it," Glen said.

"I'm sorry dad. I never meant to screw things up so badly…and the last thing that I ever wanted to was to hurt you and Helen's marriage," Jake said regretfully.

"It's fine," Glen said. "You'll apologize tomorrow at breakfast," he decided.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I really am, mom," Clare was saying upstairs, repeating her apology.

"I know you are, Clare. But you're going to have to try harder. For my sake," Helen pointed out.

"I know and I will, mom. Sorry. I just get my temper get the best of me," Clare said with a soft smile.

"It's all right," Helen said. "Now about the court hearing next week. I need three people to write me reference letters – people who will vouch that I'm a good mother to you. Pastor Dan is doing one as we speak, and your principal has assured he will write one next week, and I was going to call Alli's parents for the third," Helen said.

"You can't mom," Clare said sadly, "Alli and I are not friends anymore," she finished.

"What? Since when?" Helen asked in shock.

"Since…she kissed Jake at the cabin that one time we all went there," Clare said, embarrassed.

"Oh, Clare, for God's sake!" Helen said, exasperated. "And you still stayed together with him after that?" Helen asked.

"He said Alli did it…that it was her fault," Clare said, that reason feeling so…lame now.

"I bet he did. God, Clare. I can't believe this cost you a friendship – but what on earth made Alli kiss Jake?" Helen asked.

"She was sad…about her boyfriend cheating on her…she tried to tell me that…but I wasn't exactly listening, Adam told me after though. I told Alli…I made it clear that it was over, our friendship. We haven't spoken since," Clare said quietly.

"Unbelievable, what a mess. What a mess," Helen said in frustration.

"I'm sorry mom…can you find someone else?" Clare asked in fear.

"Well, I'm going to have to. I'm going to have to," Helen said in exasperation, raising her hands to her temples.

Clare spend the rest of her evening in her room, choosing her outfit for tomorrow, and…she cried. She cried for the first time since coming home. She was at least happy that a new bed had awaited her, because she couldn't bear to lie in the same one again. But as she thought back to her days in the hospital and everything since, she clutched her purple fleece blanket tightly and cried…at how much she wanted to turn back time.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Mrs. Edwards," Eli said in surprise as he opened the door to his home. "Come in, please," Eli said, and Helen smiled at him.

"I'm sorry for coming by unannounced, but I'm in a crisis. I have my court hearing tomorrow, and I'm not ready for it," Helen said.

"Umm….my parents aren't lawyers," Eli said in confusion. "My mom is an accountant and my dad works at the rock station as a jockey," he explained.

"No, Eli I know that," Helen said as Eli offered her some of his mom's favourite tea, thinking that was the best option.

When Helen accepted, he was very relieved.

Eli then called his dad after Helen explained why she was there – Cece was out grocery shopping – and he was just about to leave the room, when he heard Helen say, "No, Eli, I need you too. I'm going to need you too."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

The next morning, it was Helen who was surprised on her front door…by a red-eyed, exhausted looking Eli.

"Letter," he said as he handed it to Helen, who took it gratefully, already dressed for court.

"Thank you, Eli. Were you up late writing this?" Helen asked, taking in his appearance.

"Just a bit ma'am. I couldn't just write it, because it's my dad's technically…and I assure you, trying to work with my dad on writing something…takes an eternity. Our writing styles don't mesh well…as in, my dad doesn't write. He can barely put three words together in writing, actually…always jokes it's why he went into radio…no writing required, just speaking," Eli said.

"Oh, Eli, I never would have asked if I had known," Helen said, embarrassed.

"No, no, I think we got it right. Let me know how it goes, and tell Clare I wish her luck and I'll be thinking of your family today," Eli said.

"Eli…you can come, you know," Helen said.

"Thanks Mrs. Edwards…but…Clare wouldn't like that. This is your family, it wouldn't be appropriate," Eli replied.

"Well, I'm going in early to give the judge the documentation…you could come in and keep Clare company while I'm gone," Helen said encouragingly.

"Um…maybe…is Jake home?" Eli asked in a quiet voice.

"Yeah, he's there somewhere," Helen said.

"Um…I think it's okay. I don't think Clare would like to hang out with me, to be honest. Glad you have all the letters now. See you later," Eli said as he gave Helen a small smirk.

"Well, all right then Eli. All right," she said as she gave him a sad smile.

Helen really did wish that Eli would have accepted her offer.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Clare stood up straight in the small conference room – it was not what she expected. She had expected a court room, with a judge dressed in a robe. Instead, they had been placed in an elegant conference room and the judge was wearing a suit. Clare had been relieved that her dad had also come, because she knew he could explain legal language to her in case she didn't understand it. Randall and Helen had originally worked out that Helen would have custody of Clare and he would have visitation rights, and Clare knew that it was in his interest to be here today in order to prevent that from being changed as well.

The judge had just finished saying a few stern words to Jake about the terms of his court-ordered rehab and what would happen should he choose to break them, and a very uncomfortable Jake, wearing the same suit that he had worn at prom, giving Clare bad memories, said just three words to the judge.

"Yes, your honor," before the judge collected all of her papers back again and she assertively said,

"All right. Now that I've had the opportunity to hear from both sides of this case – Helen Edwards and the Ministry of Child Welfare, I'm going to read a personal reference into the court record," she said, and Clare heard her mom's nervous breathing beside her.

The judge put her reading glasses on and went on,

"The reference in question is written on behalf of Mrs. Helen Edwards by a Mr. Lucas Goldsworthy. This is dated October 24th, 2011," the judge said and Clare looked at her mom at once, not having known who the final person her mom had asked for help had been.

Helen silently nodded at her daughter and paid as much attention as possible, as she had never been able to read the references people had produced – they had had strict instructions from the courts to seal the letters themselves and sign their names over the sealed flap as well.

Helen was slightly nervous, because Randall had told her that procedure dictated that the judge just read the letters herself as background and supporting evidence - very rarely was one actually read into the court record – only when it contained new and relevant information…which usually meant one of two extremes…bad or good.

_To whom it may concern, _

_ In the almost two years that I have known Mrs. Helen Edwards, I have come to know her as an honest and decent woman. She is also one of the most kind and caring persons I have ever met, qualities that have been passed onto her daughter Clare impeccably and qualities that make Clare the remarkable young woman she had grown to be. _

_ Recently, I am sure that there was a period of time in which Mrs. Edwards felt like a single daughter, raising her child alone. But what I know is that her kindness and care for her daughter is beyond that is double of an average parent. The last year has not been kind to Mrs. Edwards, but through it all she has stood strong and determined…determined to make things as best as possible for Clare. To keep the house that Clare grew up in, to stay close to the school that Clare loves. To work hard at her job every day so that Clare does not have to go without anything, because this is a young lady with a bright future, who is involved in many activities at her school and who should not be denied any opportunity for self-growth and discovery due to other circumstances. _

_ My son Eli and Helen's daughter Clare have had their ups and downs over the years, but through it all, a sixteen year old girl demonstrated….she demonstrated things that no one her age I even believed capable of. As a parent myself, I know that it is the strong pillars that parents provide that allow children to grow healthily, to develop patience and kindness, and a maturity beyond their years. When I failed to be a strong pillar for my son, I saw the fall that this can produce; the damage that it can do to a child. And when it came time for me to learn how to look out for my own son better, I drew inspiration from Helen…from Helen and her daughter. Helen's guidance and techniques in raising Clare have produced a young woman who is strong. A young woman who is brave, showing a strength at the age of fifteen in the most difficult of situations. The gaze in Clare's eyes as she is tending a hurt loved one is the same gaze in her mother's eyes as she is taking care of her daughter whenever she is upset or hurting. Helen has raised a model young woman, a young woman whose name will undoubtedly fill the pages of history book and newspapers someday. _

_Helen Edwards has produced a young woman who I can assertively say…saved a life. She honed and guided a kindness and selfness in her daughter that saved the life of a very sick teenage boy who knew no better than to selfishly lean on the one person who wanted nothing more than to always help him and love him. _

_I trust that justice will prevail and that the right decision will be made, because the failure to do so will be absolutely detrimental. Removing his young woman from the care of her mother would shatter her foundation past the point of no repair, and I know that it is not the intention of the court system to damage lives. It is the duty, rather, of the legal system, to make sure children are protected, loved, and cared for, as all children should be. And I know that no one – absolutely no one – would perform this duty better for Clare than her mom. _

_As a parent who made his share of failures…time after time…take it from someone who knows. A child should always be able to depend on their parents, and a child should always be able to depend on the law to make the best decision for them. To not allow Clare to live with her mother would be to seriously deprive her of all her mom has to offer, and that would be so much._

_In this case, the correct decision is for Clare to be with her mom. _

_Of that, I am absolutely convinced. Should you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me. Thank you for your time._

_Sincerely,_

_Lucas Goldsworthy. _

"That was the reference letter of Mr. Lucas Goldsworthy written on behalf of Mrs. Helen Edwards. After reviewing this case, I have come to a decision. I praise the Toronto Police Department for investigating in detail, and I think the Ministry of Child Welfare for their thorough collection of information. The court will continue to monitor the progress of Mr. Jake Martin, but in the matter of the state's interest, this case is now closed. I have reviewed the evidence and determined that Clare Edwards was placed in accidental danger as a result of a dangerous situation that was out of the control of her mother. Although a better monitoring job of Clare's activities and particularly her involvement with Mr. Jake Martin could have been done, children do not always listen to their parents and are secretive. Clare's medical evidence presents no cause for concern, and the reference provided by Mr. Lucas Goldsworthy succinctly expresses everything that my analysis has led me to believe. Therefore, in the closing of this case, I hereby grant legal and physical custody of Clare Diana Edwards to Helen Edwards. This case is now closed," the judge declared as she closed the file and allowed an opportunity for questions.

None were raised; Clare was too busy hugging her mom.

"Sweetheart," Helen said tearfully as the family headed to Little Miss Steaks for a celebratory dinner. "I'm so glad it's over," she added.

"Me too," Clare said.

"Me three," Jake added as he and Clare exchanged a friendly smile.

"Not over for you punk, you still have rehab terms to comply with," Glen said sternly.

"And I will," Jake insisted.

"Damn right you will," Glen added, just as menacingly.

"Mom," Clare then whispered as she twirled the food around her plate. "You got Eli's dad to write that letter…but…" Clare faltered.

"But what?" Helen asked kindly.

"But that letter….that letter had Eli written all over it. Not Eli's dad. Eli wrote that letter," Clare said.

"I know, Clare. I know that. He says he wrote it with his dad, but…it's pretty obvious Eli would do anything for your welfare, Clare," Helen said, finally stating her opinion.

"Your mom's right, Clare," she then heard Jake gently said. "He…he really does want you to be happy," he added.

"Eli's…special," Clare replied, and then she changed the subject intentionally.

It was only when Helen came to say good night to her that evening that Clare added something to this subject.

"Mom?" she softly asked.

"Yes?" Helen asked.

"Don't you see? Eli…Eli won't find a new girlfriend. He can't. He just can't," Clare said.

"Clare…I wouldn't be so sure about that. You've never considered something," Helen said.

"What?" Clare asked.

"He might not find a new girlfriend soon, Clare, but a new girl might find him. And if Eli falls in love with her…he won't hurt her…when you decide you've changed your mind. You know he won't," Helen advised as she turned Clare's light off.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Clare's return to school the next day was easy…Alli was waiting for her on the front steps, and Clare simply held her arms out for her best friend and Alli ran into them and the girls exchanged a teary hug.

Clare then walked back into Degrassi with Alli's arm linked through hers, and she only saw Eli in English class that week, not really feeling herself desire any more. She wanted to get her life back on track….to pre-Eli times, she thought. Just back to being busy and good.

But it didn't help that her English grade still didn't go up. And Clare knew why. Her work really was not as good as it previously had been.

Eli had come up to her the first day and asked her how she was feeling, she had told him she was fine, and he had softly smirked at her and gone away, because he could tell that's what she wanted.

So he did.

The days went by pleasantly, and one day Clare found a pair of festival tickets in her locker, her name printed on one and Adam's on the other. Adam, for one, had been instructed by his best friend this would be a nice thing to do for Clare, because she liked dances and Eli figures he could use a bit of a break.

But Clare didn't recognize the writing on the tickets, so she decided to take them to Katie, who as council president, had a list of all the numbers of the tickets that had been sold and who had made their sale.

"Katie, who bought numbers 87 and 88?" Clare asked curiously, because the writing did seem to speak to her.

Katie moved aside the issue of the Degrassi Daily and searched her desk, frowning. "The list is in the council office, sorry," Katie said as she looked over the tickets.

She then squinted her eyes at them for a minute and said, "Oh, but no need. I know this writing; it's my English partner's. It's Eli's," Katie said with a smile before leaving the office as she had promised Drew she'd be watching his football game.

"Eli's?" Clare whispered to herself.

She decided to run to the drama room, knowing the drama club was meeting in there.

When she got there, she saw Fiona lying in Eli's arms and pretending to die as a tragic Ophelia as Imogen, dressed in a Shakespearian military outfit looked on.

"I loved her! I did love her!" Eli said dramatically, obviously kidding around as Fiona giggled so loud that she also made Eli lost control, and soon Imogen was flat out laughing at the believability of the romance between Eli and Fiona.

Eli raised Fiona from his arms as they were both laughing a lot, and Fiona struggled for breath between her giggles as she said, "And I love you too Eli!" and she leaned over and kissed his cheek, a sight that Clare found so…odd.

"Urgh, lipstick, please!" Eli said sarcastically, as Fiona leaned over and brushed it away with her fingers.

"Big baby, any smart boy would have walked through the halls with Chanel lipstick on his face – shown off to all his friends," Fiona said with a wink.

"Eli's more of an in-your-room kind of make-out guy," Imogen then playfully teased him as Eli narrowed his eyes at her.

"Am not," Eli shot back with a giggle, as Imogen also kissed his cheek playfully.

"Ha! Now you look totally post-heavy make out…two girls, score for Eli," Imogen teased as the girls giggled madly and Eli began blushing deeply.

"Girls, control yourselves, please – you're supposed to be suicidal Ophelia and you're supposed to be her angry brother," Eli pointed out, but as Imogen struck an aggressive pose Eli's way they just burst out in giggles again.

"Um," Eli then heard Fiona say, "I think someone's here to see you," as she gestured towards Clare in the doorway.

"Oh, hey," Eli said to Clare, walking up to her after playfully pulling on Imogen's metal armor, making her lose her balance for a second before restabilising her.

"You all right?" Eli asked at once.

"Eli, I'm not just going to talk to you when I need you because I'm hurt or upset, that's ridiculous. Of course I'm fine," Clare said. "You got me these," she then said with a soft smile.

"Damn it Adam," Eli then muttered.

"No, he didn't tell me….I figured it out myself," Clare replied.

"I just…I don't know. You like dances. Figured you could use a break right around now, you know? It's just a couple of dance tickets," Eli said with shrug.

"Thank you," Clare said as she pulled on her sweater a little nervously.

"No worries. Have a good time," Eli said politely before nodding and beginning to walk away.

"Eli!" Clare then said quickly.

"Yes?" he asked with a raised eyebrow as he turned around.

"Are you…are you gonna be there…you know, at frostival?" she asked shyly.

Eli gave her a sad tiny smirk before he replied, "I think I'm gonna sit this one out," and Clare became visibly dejected.

"You're not coming?" she asked again.

"Not this time. But think of those tickets as me making up for last time, okay? I would have taken you, Clare, if you said you wanted to go with me. I was just so excited about being published for the first time that I let myself get a little lost in that excitement and…I made other plans for us, thought it was worth something bigger than a high school dance. I thought you would have liked to go for dinner and to that ballet that was in town that you liked before we'd go on the road trip. I just…my mind was too messed up, I didn't know you wouldn't want to. Should have guessed, sorry I didn't. I would have taken you to the dance too, but you made it pretty clear you didn't want me to come. But now I got to buy you two tickets as an apology for that time, okay?"

"Eli," Clare sighed emotionally.

"Hey, don't worry about it. Have fun with Adam. Fiona's been working her butt off, I think this event's gonna be a bit more upscale with her in charge. I bet you'll like it. See you later?" Eli said as Clare nodded at him with a confused look on her face.

All she could think of…was how Eli's first publication moment must have been ruined for him…she had never thought of things like that, she realized.

And him buying her two tickets because he never to go previously…it was very thoughtful of him, and Clare knew this was good, but she couldn't push a particular thought from her mind.

_It might be making up for it…but it's not the same. _

She wasn't even excited to look for a pretty dress. What was the point, her mind kept saying over and over again.

_He's not gonna be there. _

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Eli!"

"Jesus, Katie, my eardrums, please," Eli teased his English partner.

"No time for jokes!" Katie said as she grabbed Eli by the biceps.

"You gonna kiss me? I'd rub that in Drew's face for months," Eli said with a smug playful smirk.

"In your dreams, Goldsworthy," Katie replied. "We have an emergency! The company that I always rent dance equipment from…their storage place flooded and ruined all the equipment! The school gets a refund, but there's still a huge problem. No equipment means no music and without music, there can be no dancing – or fun – at frostival!" Katie screamed.

"Wow, you're right Katie – stage 3 humanitarian crisis right there," Eli said with a smirk as he freed himself from Katie's grip.

"Are you like the terminator, let me go," Eli said with a chuckle because Katie's grip on him was crazy strong.

"Cut the sarcasm Eli, I need your help! Adam says your dad is a radio jockey who always does events…can he rent us the equipment? Please?" Katie said.

"Oh, I see, this is where I play in," Eli said with a smirk, but seeing Katie's obvious distress made him stop his games and just reply, "Yes, sure, of course Katie, my dad did that once before at my old school in a similar crisis, relax. I'll ask," Eli said.

"Asking is not good enough! You have to make sure, Eli! Make sure!" Katie yelped at him.

"Consider it done, Miss President," Eli said as he chuckled a bit.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Clare was eating her lunch in the cafeteria with Alli when the conversation of a certain Fiona Coyne and Imogen Moreno caught her attention, making her lose her appetite at once.

Fiona was excitedly clapping her hands as she was saying "Anyway, I knew Eloise from Paris – she's born in Canada, Newfoundland, but her parents are diplomats like my dad and she spends most of her time in Geneva with them. But they're coming to Toronto for three years and she's going to go to U of T anyway. It's perfect! She's absolutely gorgeous, she's got blonde hair that Blake Lively would kill for! And she just got three of her stories published – she's a writer, like Eli! So I decided to have her flown in just for Frostival, now that Eli's going because his dad is doing the music and he has to help. It's gonna be amazing…they'd make a really hot couple. It's gonna work, I know it is, because she's all serious like Eli, but she loves a guy who can make her laugh. She'll fall for him that very night, and she'll work her European magic on him, you just watch," Fiona finished as Clare widened her eyes.

"Sounds like a plan," Imogen replied mischievously to Fiona. "Just make sure Eli doesn't know it's a set-up he wouldn't like that. It's gonna be pretty funny to watch Eloise put the moves on Eli," Imogen giggled.

"It's gonna be fantastic," Fiona said as she shared a high-five with Imogen.

Clare found her mind racing for the entirety of lunch. But she didn't care, right? Then why …. Why… all she could think of was…

_– she's born in Canada, Newfoundland, but her parents are diplomats like my dad and she spends most of her time in Geneva with them…she's got blonde hair that Blake Lively would kill for… they'd make a really hot couple… she loves a guy who can make her laugh… she'll work her European magic on him…_

"Um, Earth to Clare…?" Alli's voice said.

"But I don't want him to work her European magic on him!" Clare said with a jolt.

"Um, what?" Alli asked.

"Alli…you up for a research mission?" Clare then asked, and a few minutes later, the girls were doing a little FaceRange creeping of Fiona's profile.

"That's her! Eloise!" Alli said, loving this type of a mission.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" Clare scoffed at the sight of the picture.

The girl was…not just pretty. She was model pretty, actress pretty. As soon as Clare saw her amazing gold dress in her display picture and her beautiful blonde hair and sparking green eyes, she felt her whole body shake in fury.

"Their babies would have green eyes for sure," Clare muttered under her breath as she looked through more photos.

"I thought you were over Eli and his manipulation," Alli then carefully said.

"You weren't there. You don't get it. Eli was the only person who stood by me after I pushed everyone away. Even with how badly I hurt him, he still took care of me when I fell. And he never manipulated me," Clare said to Alli.

"All right, all right, whatever you say. He did do a lot of sweet things for you, and he seems to be more in his senses these days," Alli allowed.

"Alli…this girl…look at her status 'Contemplating a Toronto trip for the weekend'…I hate her! I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!" Clare said.

"Woah, look picture with that dude you love," Alli said, pointing to a photo.

"Oh my God, she knows Chuck Palahniuk! Unbelievable, and look – she won the philanthropic award at school…Alli, she's caring! And sweet, and smart, if she spends time doing that stuff! And Alli…she's gorgeous," Clare squeaked.

"She could be in a music video," Alli remarked.

"Okay, not helping," Clare said before logging out and running to no place other than…Fiona Coyne's locker.

"Don't invite your sexy smart friend who knows Chuck Palahniuk to Frostival!" Clare yelled, out of breath.

"Ouch my eardrum!" Fiona said as she covered her ear and glared at Clare. "Clare?" she said in surprise, as the two of them didn't talk much.

"Please! No Eloise at frostival," Clare repeated.

"Why not? How do you even know about that?" Fiona asked.

"I heard you talking to Imogen in the hallway," Clare said. "Please, Fiona, please," Clare all but begged.

"Why not? She's my friend," Fiona justified.

"But you want her to meet Eli! To use her European charm ways on him!" Clare said, shaking in fury at the thought of that girl's shiny pink lips touching Eli's. She couldn't let it happen!

Clare then said, "He's supposed to dance with me! We never had a dance! So it's my dance to have with him! Mine! No one else's!"

"God, can you and Eli be any more angsty and depressive? If you don't want me to invite Eloise because of some last dance depressing thing, forget it. That's exactly my point! Eli needs to move on, and Eloise is smart and pretty and funny – perfect. Stop prolonging the heartbreak with some last dance thing!" Fiona said.

"Well what if I want more than one dance?" Clare then exploded.

"Then sounds to me like you better tell Eli that," Fiona said with a knowing smile.

"Fiona, please, don't invite her," Clare repeated.

"Fine, I won't," she said in exasperation, raising her arms in the air. "But that better mean you make your move, Clare, because I won't have this chance wasted for nothing. After all," Fiona said with a cheeky smile, "Eli can always meet Eloise any other time…maybe I'll need help to not drink at my condo late one night … and she'll be there too. Plenty of ways to make them meet. So don't make me regret this, Clare," Fiona said as she cast a wink Clare's way.

Because after all, Fiona had been watching things for a while now, and she thought that just like Eli had needed a push with not backing out of the play…Clare Edwards needed a push too. Or, you know, she thought as she smiled to herself, a boulder rolling down the hill with the amount of indecision Fiona had observed.


	5. I'll Stand by You

"What are you up to, punk?" Bullfrog asked his son as he entered his room to give him back his iPod, having put some fresh new tracks on it at the radio station this afternoon.

"Just writing something dad," Eli replied after thanking his dad for the updates to his iPod.

"No way," Bullfrog said with a whistle. "Your hiatus is over?" Bullfrog asked, knowing that after the Clare's-mom-almost-hearing-his-son's-total-love-piece-to-Clare Eli had stopped writing for a period of time all together.

"I think so," Eli replied with a smirk.

"What's your story about?" Bullfrog asked.

"Just…things…people…what they like, people I know," Eli replied a little sheepishly.

"People like…Clare?" Bullfrog asked slowly.

"Dad," Eli cautioned him. "Can we please just…not? It's been a rough week, all that stuff happening with Clare, the hospital, the custody inquiry…now it's over, Clare is fine and all is back to normal. Ignores me in the hallway at school and never looks at me in English class. Everything is as it should be," Eli replied.

"Eli," Bullfrog said sadly. "I wanted to talk to you, you know," he added.

"About what?" Eli said with a sigh, wondering how he had screwed up this time.

"About last week. I know it was the scariest thing that could have happened for you…Clare getting hurt like that…without you being there to…protect her," Bullfrog slowly said.

"I've already talked about it to Dr. Lane, please," Eli said, and Bullfrog could tell that he was reaching his limit, but he knew that he needed more from Eli.

"Eli, and I'm your dad, come on. I'm not your therapist. You can tell me things that I know you don't tell Dr. Lane," Bullfrog pushed.

"Like what?" Eli asked, now exasperated.

"Like how…you blame yourself for having failed Clare…for not being there for her when she got hurt," Bullfrog said.

"She doesn't want me there! She had exactly who she wants there – Jake, who brought that stupid fight into her house thanks to his little surprise drug addiction. Not so strapping now, not so fucking not complicated now, huh?" Eli said in anger.

"There we go, tell us how you really feel," Bullfrog said with a chuckle.

"I don't really feel anything," Eli then replied, a blank look on his face.

"I wish it were that easy," Bullfrog said with a sigh, "I wish men could turn off their feelings around women, trust me, I do. But we can't boy – so don't you come along and say you've managed to do what thousands of years of men's work hasn't been able to. It's…it's okay to feel something, Eli," Bullfrog patiently said.

"No! It's not!" Eli then exploded. "It's not! There's no other room in my head for anything else when I feel!" he said, not really finding the right words – a rare event for Eli – but his dad sadly nodded, understanding what he meant.

"When I think of her – I'm right back there, dad! Right back there! Wondering if she's okay, if she has someone to look out for her. And I thought Jake was fantastic at that – protected her from psycho me, didn't he? Didn't she reach out for him within seconds – seconds, dad! – of getting a simple coffee for me? Didn't she glare at me in fear while calling out for her perfect boyfriend? She did! But as much as that hurt, at least it was fine. Because he looked after her! He looked after her! Or so I thought. But now…now I have no clue what to think anymore," Eli said.

Bullfrog sighed heavily.

"Eli…she has a mom. A mom who knows now. Don't you get it…it's her mom's job, Eli. No one else's but her mom. Just like…you were not Clare's to look after," Bullfrog explained.

"Not her job to fix me," Eli said with tears in his eyes.

"And not your job to fix her," Bullfrog slowly added.

"But – but," Eli faltered.

"But you want to. You don't want to run away, to take off…to rip her heart out," Bullfrog supplied as Eli nodded in shame.

Bullfrog then explained, "Eli…it's not the same. This might hurt to hear….but she doesn't feel that way. Her heart….it's not yours, Eli. She doesn't talk to you at school, you said. Clare…Clare seems to me, and to your mother, like a very confused girl. A girl who needs time with her mom – and no one else – to straighten herself out. But you're not failing her, Eli. Don't you get it? You…you were there for her in the hospital in a way that…you helped her in a way that she couldn't help you, Eli," Bullfrog pointed out.

"It wasn't like that at all," Eli said.

"Of course I don't expect you to see it that way," Bullfrog said. "But I know that….that after you were in there with her for two days, after you were the only one to do that alongside her mom…I know that a part of you hopes…hopes that maybe she'll come back to you after seeing that," Bullfrog pointed out.

When Eli was silent for a long, long time, Bullfrog knew that silence represented the words he couldn't say.

"Dad," Eli finally said. "She'll never do that. I'm not the one she wants," Eli finally finished as he put his writing away.

As he gave Eli a small hug and walked back to his own bedroom and hugged Eli's mom, Bullfrog thought about the one thing that Eli had suggested. Cece and Bullfrog weren't fans of it….but if Eli was asking was it, they both also knew that this meant that he was serious…that maybe things at Degrassi were indeed just too much for him to bear.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"I'm sorry Clare, it's not entirely my call, it's just that the whole club – "Luke said to a very embarrassed and heart-broken Clare as she handed over her Christian Students Association binder to him, trying very hard not to tear up.

"No, I get it, I get it, it's fine," she said shyly as she didn't meet his gaze, leaving her binder on his desk and walking out of the room mortified, her heart racing as all she wanted to do was go crawl into a hole in the Earth and die.

She knew that she could have kept it under wraps; get a new ring – because she couldn't live with wearing her old one….her own mind wouldn't permit that – and ask Jake not to talk about it to nay of his friends, and she knew that of course he wouldn't.

But she couldn't even blame him. It hadn't been him. It had been her. She had made sure that those girls who were creeping around Jake – always around his truck, always saying hello to him in the hallway in a flirty manner -…she had made sure that they knew that he was hers. She had taken her ring off and…said things, casually, things that implied that they were as together as together could be.

And now…she had gotten exactly what she wished for. Everyone knew. But it couldn't be any more different than what she had intended; now that Jake was moving onto Jenna, Clare was pretty sure from the few interactions that she had seen…Jenna. Out of everyone, he just had to choose Jenna, she thought as more tears invaded her eyes and she felt Alli's arm link through hers.

"Does she seriously have to go after all of my exes?" Clare asked in frustration.

"Um," Alli awkwardly replied, feeling a little caught in the middle sometimes, "If it makes you feel any better, pretty sure if Jenna ever talked to Eli, he'd hit the ground running faster than a bolt of lightning," Alli replied.

"It doesn't, and please don't talk about Eli," Clare whispered back.

"Um, you're not…friendly? He was in the hospital with you all that time," Alli said in confusion. "And we stalked out Fiona's hot friend on Face Range and you told her not to fly her in for Eli like she had planned," Alli added.

"Just…just, no Eli, not today, okay?" Clare asked.

"All right then. We shall not speak of the devil. Um…with Luke….it was okay?" Alli asked with a sympathetic smile.

"Fine," Clare replied shyly.

"Look on the bright side – now I get you all to myself on Tuesday at lunch," Alli tried to encourage Clare, but she could tell that it was not working.

Clare gave her a small smile in response, and she whispered, "Do I have to go to my next block?"

"You can do it, Clare. I wish I could be there with you – all of our other classes are practically together but Planning, it's so dumb. You go, and hold your head up high, show them all you\re not letting them get to you," Alli said with a wink.

"Okay," Clare said, not a trace of courage in her voice.

Alli didn't like that.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Take one from the basket and pass it down, morons," a very bored Bianca DeSousa was telling the grade 11 class, angry that her assigned community service even took her God-given right as a grade 12 student of a spare block away, instead making her help with the grade 11 Planning class. Bianca was amused by the embarrassed awkwardness of the younger grade in this particular class…as the topic was Sexual Health.

Clare hated that when she had tried to sit by Luke, who was also helping, he had made up an excuse about needing to grab some pamphlets and Clare wasn't fooled when she saw him take another seat at the other end of the room later.

So she sat by herself next to a group of Asian girls, watching the seconds roll by in agony, her entire face red as a group of nurses explained everything as Coach Armstrong supervised the students from afar.

"Um, hello, Clare take one and pass it down," she then heard Bianca's annoyed voice say to her. Reaching for a condom from the basket was the last thing that Clare felt like doing.

"No need, she's probably got a whole box of them in her brother's room if they ever get lonely," Clare then heard Marisol say with an evil smile and a wink, and she wanted to die when everyone broke out in laughter.

Bianca rolled her eyes and said, "You're one to know. Shut up Marisol, and mind your own business," and Clare had never loved Bianca more than in that moment, mouthing 'thank you' to her while Bianca just gave her a nod.

"Hiding behind her little Virgin Mary act – it's the quiet ones you gotta look out for," Clare then heard a male voice whisper, and what seemed to her like a thousand laughs respond.

"Jake tapped that for sure," Clare then heard someone else say as she pulled her sweater more tightly around her and she felt tears stinging her eyes.

"Jake's the man! Got the job done - babby daddy KC and that emo kid sure couldn't get it done," she then heard someone else whisper, another male voice.

"Gross – how can she do that with her brother…sure had _me_ fooled with that little innocence act," she then heard a girl whisper.

"Damn - I'd sure like to see what she's hiding under that sweater and behind that cross," Clare then heard as her mouth dropped in shock and she covered her face with her hands, feeling her heart rate pick up. She gasped for breath and looked up, feeling everyone's eyes on her as she did as she was told, taking a condom and passing the basket back, before she quietly slipped out and sobbed to the point of hiccups as she was running through the hallway.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh my God, oh my God," Clare was saying through her tears and hiccups as she ran through the hallway, everything turning to a mass of yellow and blue through her tears.

"What I have done? What have I done?" she said as she was heaving painfully as she felt herself trembling. She sunk down on the floor next to her locker and hugged her knees tightly to her chest, burying her face in them, and wishing she could be Dorothy…just make a movement with her heels, and wish this nightmare away. Make it…like…like it never happened.

"But it did, it did," she said to herself, looking a little manic to anyone who might pass…engaged in a senseless conversation with herself.

"Woah, okay, okay," she then heard a worried voice say as she heard the impact of a body against the lockers and as soon as she inhaled and felt the clean pine scent, she knew that it was Eli who had come to her side. Tears painfully invaded her eyes when she realized that….she didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to still have him forever running to her side for help.

"Clare what happened?" Eli asked her at once, his eyes fully of worry.

"Nothing, nothing," she said as she hid her face from him.

"So nothing is the reason why you ran past my Spanish class crying harder than I've seen anyone cry in my entire life?" Eli asked.

"You take Spanish now?" was Clare's answer, because the feeling that she got when she heard Eli say that…and she didn't know it…well, Clare found that it wasn't a very good one.

"Just a last elective that I needed, I like languages, but not important," Eli said as Clare felt his hands on her knees, gently bringing them down and exposing her face.

"Hey, there you are," he said with a smirk, and right away Clare felt just _a bit_ better.

"Clare…" Eli said gently. "I'm worried about you….all I want is to see you get back to normal, I know that's what you want. To be happy, just like you were before everything….with Jake, and with me," Eli said.

"I don't…Eli…." Clare faltered.

"Don't lie to me," Eli sighed. "I know you wished it never happened. I know your biggest wish is to have everything go back to the way it was before you met me…before I screwed up your life. And I can't take back the things that I did – no matter how much I wish I could - but I can maybe help fix it. But I for sure can't if…you don't tell me what's wrong. I can't do anything about anything if I don't know what the problem is," Eli logically said.

"You think…you think I want to erase you from my memory," Clare whined painfully.

"Clare…I don't _think_. I _know_, but I get it. It's fine. I don't care about that right now. Right now all I want to know is what on earth could have happened to get you like this. Your mom? Did Jake say something?" Eli tried to guess.

"No…" Clare said as she shook her curls.

"What was it? Come on, you can tell me," Eli said encouragingly. "What class are you in right now?" he asked.

"Planning," Clare said.

"Such a dumb class," Eli scoffed. "What section are you doing now?" he asked.

"Sex Ed," Clare whispered.

"Oh," Eli said, starting to catch on. "It's okay," he said gently.

"No, it's not! All those things they were saying…they were right," Clare said.

"The nurses? I should hope so, if nurses can't tell kids about that stuff, then I don't know who should," Eli replied.

"Not the nurses, Eli," Clare slowly said. "The kids….about me…about me and Jake…they were right…I'm a hypocrite….I'm a … a … _slut_," Clare whispered painfully.

"_That_ is the most ridiculous thing that I have ever heard," Eli said with a smirk. "I don't ever want to hear you say that again. It's just stupid kids. I know it's hard to not care what they think, but you need to understand that they don't know what they're talking about. Jake was your boyfriend, who you love more than anything on this Earth. They don't get to judge. What you and Jake had is nobody's to understand or to try to speculate. It's not theirs to make fun of, or to even be aware of. It's yours, and Jake's. No one else's," Eli said with conviction.

"Eli…sometimes I think you forget that Jake and I are broken up now," Clare whispered.

"Just because you broke up doesn't mean you wanted to let him go," Eli said gently as he sat down beside Clare and sighed.

His words made Clare's face gain a thoughtful look.

"Eli…you're wrong about something. Jake never loved me," Clare said.

"I…um…that's not mine to speculate about. Not my place," Eli replied as he looked at the ground.

"Know how I know?" Clare asked softly.

"No," Eli replied.

"I'm sure he thought he loved me…but he didn't me. If he really loved me….he would not have left me…just taken off when we found out our parents…because he knew! He knew that was my biggest fear when it came to him…but he did it anyway. If he really loved me…he wouldn't have kissed Alli at the cabin," Clare finally admitted to herself.

"Jake kissed Alli at the cabin?" Eli asked in confusion as Clare nodded.

"Ah, hence the running away into the forest in the middle of the night," Eli said with a sad smirk as he finally understood everything.

Clare nodded in shame. "And if he really loved me, he never would have….her never would have cheated on me, no matter how overwhelmed me. But…if he really loved me, if in his heart of hearts, he really loved me…he wouldn't have slept with me," Clare said as she finally turned to Eli and her tear-filled blue eyes met his green ones, and she knew that they were both thinking of the same memory in this moment.

"Clare…you can't let this break you. You're stronger than all of this you know," Eli said as he reached out and pushed her bangs back.

Eli didn't know it, but those were the best words that Clare could have heard in that moment.

"The fact that you…you slept with Jake," Eli said, and Clare realized how hard it was for him to say those words, making her own heart ache. "Doesn't define you. It has nothing to do with your purity, Clare," Eli said.

"I know…you explained it to me in the hospital, remember?" Clare asked Eli, remembering the beauty and the perfect logic of his words…more beautiful than any religious text that Clare had ever read.

"So…we need a plan," Eli said with a smirk as he raised an eyebrow as he raised his arm and Clare nodded with a smile and immediately grabbed his arm herself and placed it around her shoulders, giving Eli more than consent.

When he pulled her in close, she exhaled in relief and hid her teary face in his chest, breathing in deeply so she could feel his scent as concrete evidence of his presence. She wasn't just imagining this. He really was here.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked as she snuggled into him.

"Well, option one. I just go and punch everyone who said something disgusting about the most amazing girl ever to live," Eli said, and he was surprised to hear Clare giggle into his embrace – he was expected to be chastised for wanting to use violence.

"But," Eli continued as Clare's legs draped over his, and after a few soft whimpers, she had fully crawled over into his lap, making Eli's heart race. Clare felt the beat of his heart jump through his shirt, and she realized that…she was really playing with him lately…giving him mixed messages, and she hated herself for it…but…she needed his comfort, she knew, and she sobbed as she thought that of course, she would selfishly take it without any thought for his feelings.

Eli was continuing, "That probably wouldn't work, because I bet the people who said the meanest things were girls, and I can't punch a girl. But we have option two. It's only a matter of time until the next school scandal rolls along. We can expedite it," Eli said.

"What?" Clare said in confusion.

"Clare…we have a secret weapon," Eli said with a chuckle.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Easy – one good thing about being crazy," Eli said playfully, but Clare knew how much it hurt him to say that, "is that after all the things I've done, it's all people see when they look at me – the crazy. Let's just come up with something a little nuts, we can say I did it, everyone will buy it. I've already crashed a hearse into a wall, and used a girl like a heartless psycho – guaranteed anything you want, people will believe I did it," Eli said with perfect confidence, and Clare wondered if he really found all of that so funny. But he couldn't fool her. Clare knew how much it hurt Eli to say the words that he just did.

"Eli…we're not gonna do that," Clare softly said as she closed her eyes in his embrace.

"Aw, come on, it'll be fun. Though it's kind of hard to top the crazy things that I've already done. We can say…we can say I ran away and tried to kill myself – that's a high school favourite I believe," Eli said with a chuckle.

"Don't say that!" Clare then said with a jolt, and Eli felt her grip his biceps through his leather jacket very tightly. "No! Eli! No! Don't say that…ever!" Clare said, a soft whimper to her voice.

"Hey, hey…it's okay…I was just kidding…" Eli said gently. "Clare…it would only be a rumour, a little distraction. Just because we say it…or write it…doesn't will it into existence. You can't write your life," Eli said sadly.

"I don't care. We are not doing that. Eli…I can't walk through the halls and hear that about you…true or not…" Clare said.

"Well, there's always option three in this situation. Fan favourite," Eli said with a light chuckle.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked.

"Come on, you know. When that particular rumour is going around, girls have their own arsenal," Eli said with a smirk.

"What?" Clare asked.

"Oh, Clare…the fact that you don't know points out how ridiculous this is, what people are saying…and how innocent you really are," Eli said with a smirk as Clare shot him a feisty look in reply.

"What are you talking about?" she asked with an impatient giggle as she felt Eli place a gentle kiss in her girls, whispering,

"Easy. You tell everyone Jake has a small dick," Eli said, making Clare's eyes widen.

"What?" Clare squeaked.

"Hey – I'm just telling you how the game goes," Eli said with a chuckle. "I'm just kidding, Clare. That wouldn't help the situation at all. The best revenge is karma, and I don't think Jake's the one we're after here," Eli said.

"Karma is the best revenge? Who are you and what have you done with Eli Goldsworthy?" Clare asked with a giggle.

"I finally pulled my head out of the clouds and decided to learn what a stubborn idiot I was being," Eli replied with perfect confidence.

"You weren't the only bad guy, Eli. You never would have pulled a knife on Fitz," Clare replied, and Eli was surprised to hear her say that.

"I…really screwed up there. Put you in danger," Eli said as he shut his eyes tightly.

"Eli, look at me," Clare said. "You didn't. That entire time…you were worried about me, and always put me first. When Fitz said that stuff about what he'd to do me…in the hallway that awful night…you pushed me away, kept me safe, didn't want me near you so I wouldn't get caught up in the fight," Clare said.

"I'm sorry, Clare," Eli breathed.

"I know you are, Eli. But it's not like what happened to me with the Jake drug situation. You looked out for me. You made sure the fight never got to me," Clare told him.

"Clare…who are the people starting these things about you? Just tell me," Eli said.

"Marisol….Josh and his idiot friends…everyone," Clare said, and just at that moment, the jock that Clare had just referenced walked down the hallway.

"Don't forget a condom, baby," he shouted as he passed by Clare in Eli's embrace, throwing the one he had just picked up in health class down at her.

Eli had never thought more lucidly than in the moment that he gently moved Clare off of his lap and slammed Josh's body into the lockers, grabbing him by the collar.

"Listen to me, idiot. You do as much as look her way - and I'll kill you," Eli growled. "You've heard what I'm capable of – don't test me, asshole, because you know I will. No judge is ever even gonna find me guilty – I'll plead insanity," Eli said with an icy cold glare, and Clare knew exactly what he was doing.

He was baking on his past and…he really did make himself look terrifying…and…Clare knew that Josh believed him…Clare knew Eli was playing all of his cards right, and as much as she didn't approve…she knew it would work. She knew Eli was using his smarts to play everything the way it would produce results.

"Relax, you psycho. I'm not interested in your bitch," Josh said, which earned him a swift punch from Eli and a bloody lip.

"Just leave me alone you lunatic," Josh scoffed as he walked away from Eli, Eli's angry glare following him the entire way.

"Um…sometimes that karma stuff doesn't work with idiots like that guy. Needs a way he can learn. And I just got pissed," Eli scoffed, bracing himself for Clare's attack.

When all she did was get up and give him a hug, Eli couldn't be more shocked.

"Eli?" Clare asked softly as she guided them back to leaning against their lockers and she rested her head on Eli's shoulder.

"Yeah?" Eli said as Clare studied his red knuckles, taking his hand in her own.

"Thank you for protecting me," she whispered with her eyes closed, leaning into to reward him with a gentle kiss on his cheek.

She felt his breath quicken as she pulled away, not wanting to ever let go of him.

"I….want to take it back…what I did with Jake," Clare then painfully whined.

"I know you do," Eli said softly, "But Clare…none of these people understand. Your situation with Jake was different. No one gets it," Eli said.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked softly.

"You lived together, changes everything," Eli said with a shrug.

"It does?" Clare asked hopefully.

"Completely," Eli said with perfect confidence. "It makes everything….a lot more intense. It's so much easier to get carried away with intense feelings for the one you love when you live with them…so much easier for that to happen before you even know that it really is," Eli explained.

"Really?" Clare asked with a whine to her voice, glad that Eli was making it sound…a little more okay.

He understood, Clare thought, and she felt her heart swell with appreciation for the way he was explaining everything so well and taking such good care of her. Like he always did, she thought as she buried her head in his neck.

"Of course. It's…impossible for it not to get there, almost," Eli said.

"Is that…is that how it happened with you…and Julia?" Clare asked, and she waited the full three minutes of silence that it took Eli to speak again, knowing that Julia was…the most painful subject for him. It had taken him so long to tell Clare about her, and even after that, he would never talk about her unless he absolutely had to.

"Yes," he finally said.

"Eli…but…you loved her," Clare said.

"I did," Eli softly whispered back.

"Jake didn't love me, he just thought he loved me," Clare said. "And…I could tell that…Jake's the type of guy you need to keep interested….and letting him only get to second and third base…I knew it wouldn't be enough…and he seemed to be getting distracted…then his friend Myra re-entered his life, and I knew she'd give him anything he wanted…so…I thought I should first…so we could be together forever. Isn't that…isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?" Clare asked as she punched Eli's chest in anger.

"No, no, it's not," Eli said softly, his breath faltering a little in response to Clare's little anger punch directly on his chest. "But Clare..oh, Clare….I hate that your first time was about that," Eli admitted.

"Me too," Clare replied.

"He should have stopped me," Clare added. "If he really loved me, he should have stopped me," she said. "Eli…did Julia ever want to…for the wrong reasons?" Clare asked, and once again, it took Eli forever to reply.

"Once," he said, so softly that Clare could barely hear it.

"Tell me, please…Eli, please…you're the only who understands. The only one who gets it, who doesn't think I'm just some whore," Clare said.

"Clare, it's really hard for me to talk about that part of me and Julia's relationship with her dead," Eli whispered.

"Eli, please, please, please, you're the only one," Clare pleaded.

"Allright…but….please be patient with me, it might take me a while to get it out," Eli said, and Clare hated all the times in the past that she had unfairly told him he wasn't making any sense when he was trying so desperately to explain things to her. It had left him…thinking she gets mad at him when he takes too long to explain things, and she really hated herself for that.

"Take all the time you need," she told him patiently.

"Julia came to live with us…after Bullfrog saw her dad shove her into her car one time when he was angry. I had suspected things for a while….but she would hide it from me, said I was worrying too much. Julia's mom had died when she was about five, and his dad remarried this younger woman – she was really, really young, in her early 20s, trophy wife who married him for his money – who made her life a living hell. Her dad would always side with his trophy wife, and it led Julia into a bad spot. She had an eating disorder that she hid from me, but it was obvious to me that something was up…we had been friends since grade six, and all of a sudden she started acting so different…not eating….and there was no one I could go to, so I went to Cece, who helped Julia tell her dad – he was a doctor. He said she was only doing it for attention, and he shoved her in the car that one time when Bullfrog saw it. Bullfrog said…he said," Eli continued, his voice faltering, "that…if his dad was comfortable doing that to Julia in public, that surely he was doing things that were a lot worse to her at home. I lost it. I thought for sure that her dad was abusing her in the worst way possible, so I told my parents she had to come stay with us – this was after a few months of us starting to date – before we had just been friends. Bullfrog told me that him and Cece had already agreed to do so. Julia's dad could not have been happier – finally he got to have this house alone to do things with his trophy wife that Julia's presence never stopped anyway. I thought she would be happy to get away from him….but every night before she went to bed, she'd talk to my mom - my mom would brush her hair – and I knew that she cried. I knew that…even after everything, she wanted her dad to tell her that he loves her. To tell her that her mom was the love of her life, not that evil new lady he married. And you know what I hate the most…? He never did. She died…thinking she was not loved," Eli said as a tear rolled down his cheek.

"You're wrong," Clare softly said.

"What?" Eli asked.

"She died….knowing all the love in the world. The love you, and your family give, Eli…it's so powerful. Take it from someone who knows," Clare said emotionally, shocking Eli.

"I never could take her pain away….no matter what I did. You asked me if she wanted to be with me for the right reasons and yes…she did, and not just once. Every Sunday, she'd try to call her dad, and every Sunday she'd get his voicemail. I always tried to comfort her as best as I could, and…all the stress of that day would get to her, and she just wanted to feel loved she would say," Eli softly said.

"But you knew you shouldn't," Clare said.

"I didn't want us to make a mistake. She was fragile…always tried to come off like this badass, but she was fragile," Eli sighed, and Clare looked up at him thoughtfully.

"You said no," Clare said, wishing Jake had done the same.

Eli just nodded.

"You were so good to her, Eli," Clare said, and Eli made no reply.

"I killed her," was what he finally said, and Clare knew that…all the therapy in the world would most likely never change that opinion.

"You saved her," Clare whispered back.

"I tried, and maybe for a while there, I did. But if I did, it was only to kill her later," Eli insisted.

"You treated her well, Eli. The best. You didn't have sex with her just because you really wanted to. You loved her," Clare said.

"She meant a lot to me. Always will. But it was never about her, Clare. I was never trying to replace her," Eli said.

"I know that now," Clare confessed. "I just…I needed to hear…because….you get what happened with me and Jake, Eli, but it was still different. I bet Julia never regretted loving you…when she did…because you made sure that it was for the right reasons. I bet she never regretted it," Clare said sadly.

Eli didn't reply, but he did think back to that night, a distant look in his eye. Cece and Bullfrog were traveling to a rock concert for three days, and it had been six months since he was officially her boyfriend. Her anorexia was finally under control, and to celebrate her last doctor's appointment, Eli had taken her to a showing at the Ontario Art Gallery – real Rembrandt paintings, her favourite. He had been saving the money he had gotten from chores for months now, scrounging up enough for the tickets and for a nice dinner that would always be one of his fondest memories.

When they returned home and Julia asked him to wait downstairs before coming up to his room, he didn't know that once he would, he'd find her in a black silk robe, thanking him for showing her what real love was. Eli was never sure if she had meant for things to get as far as they did – after that night, she always insisted that she did – but Eli wasn't so sure. Bullfrog had talked to him about making sure he wouldn't end up in a irreversible situation the minute that they decided Julia would stay in Eli's room, and he had reminded Eli again before leaving for his trip. Eli would never forget how Julia laid him down on his bed between their kisses, and how she slowly slid off her robe to reveal dark lacy underwear directly, making his teenage mind be overwhelmed at once. He would never forget how he asked her over and over again if this is what she wanted – if she was sure – and how her shaking voice had confirmed it over and over again.

He felt her full surrender that night, and the way that they held each other's shaking bodies afterward told him that he hadn't taken advantage of her, that she wanted everything just as much as he did. He had tried to make it as good for her as possible, wishing that he could hold on longer for her, but every brush of her black hair against his chest – even something as simple as that – was enough to send him over the edge. When he gently and patiently and nervously – so nervously – made sure to do everything to look after her immediately after, and he was successful, he had never felt more relieved. Eli knew that neither of them had realized the magnitude of what they had done until they were holding each other's trembling bodies and Julia gave him an emotional kiss that he would remember the rest of his life. He never could get to sleep that night for the longest time; he spent hours just holding her tightly, playing with her dark black hair, burying kisses in it as she softly stirred in his embrace.

He remembered thinking about how he would never let anyone or anything hurt her, how that now that she was with him, she would only know happiness, safety and love. And then he remembered how…he had failed her in the worst way possible. But thinking back to that night…Eli knew that they were just a couple of kids who had gotten carried away in their intense feelings, who had gotten lost in each other's every breath and simply wanted to experience being as close together as possible…but he also knew that what they both felt was love, and Julia had not had many years left. So did he regret it? Absolutely not. And more importantly, he knew that…Julia did not regret it either.

"She didn't regret it…did she?" Clare's soft voice asked again.

"I don't think so," Eli softly breathed.

"She was lucky, Eli, that her first time was with you," Clare said emotionally. "I shouldn't have slept with Jake. It should have been you," Clare whispered, making Eli's eyes widen.

"No, Clare….hoarding or no hoarding, I would not have let that happen, you know. I never would have wanted to share something so special with you when your world was being turned upside down. It would have been irreparable damage," Eli said.

"I've wondered about that…if we would have…you know," Clare said with a blush.

"We wouldn't have. But what I should have done is invited you in…and told you. And held you…because holding you…is the best thing on this planet, Clare," Eli said in a moment of brutal honesty.

"We wouldn't have?" Clare asked again.

"Not like that, no. Just the thought that you could even imagine us doing that someday was more than I expected, you know. Just knowing that you wanted to. But…you and I barely got any time to enjoy each other, Clare. We always had a problem, whether it was our parents, Fitz, my intensity –" Eli began, and Clare cut him off.

"My impatience," she added. "You're right, Eli. We never really did get any time to just…enjoy each other," Clare said sadly.

"But the few moments we did get were….heaven," Eli breathed.

"The hammock," Clare said emotionally.

"Yeah," Eli said as he gave her hands a gentle squeeze. Clare then closed her eyes in peace for a second, opening them when she felt Eli slide something cold onto the finger.

"What's this?" Clare said at the sight of the pretty golden ring, a much more elaborate design than her previous one. It was obvious that it was real gold, and it stretched from the base of her finger to her knuckle, little gold leaf-like patterns interspersed with shiny little blue stones creating an elegant design that was unlike anything she had ever seen.

"Eli," she sighed emotionally. "You don't have to do this," she said.

"I know I don't have to. I know I don't even get to; I'm not your boyfriend. But I just saw it in a store and I realized that just because some guy slid off your other one not even realizing what it meant to you, doesn't mean you can't get a new one. I'm not saying it should replace your first, because I know how special that one was to you. But a ring belongs on this finger…always. And until you meet the guy – and I'm talking…you know…_the_ one – who gets to put the most meaningful ring on that finger –" Eli said before Clare interrupted.

"And on our wedding night, all he feels is betrayal and disappointment," Clare said sarcastically.

"Clare…that part I really don't get; why you keep saying this. I know you want to marry someone Christian…I just realized that when I first heard you say that, but if he doesn't understand people make mistakes...then he's not Christian, Clare," Eli argued. "And any fool who is thinking about that on your wedding night as opposed to how he gets to spend the rest of his life with you, starting with that night….is not someone who deserves to marry you. This is a crazy double standard – and if you want, just tell him you are a virgin, who cares," Eli said.

"It's not that simple," Clare pointed out with a blush.

"Hate to break it to you – but it is," Eli said with an embarrassed smirk.

"You can tell," Clare said, embarrassed.

"Um, not always. Ask the nurses, but…you can't. Ugh, please don't make me explain. Ask the nurses, but I'm rather sure you can't," Eli said.

"How on earth do you know?" Clare said with a giggle.

"Haven't you ever watched Seinfeld?" Eli said with a laugh. "Clare, it's your body, " Eli said as he adjusted the ring onto her finger. "Your body, and your morals, and your feelings. No one gets to tell you what's right and wrong about any of that. No one," Eli repeated emphatically.

"This ring is beautiful," Clare said, in shock…because this really wasn't Eli's job, and she knew it.

"I'm glad you like it," Eli replied. "Clare…talk to Jake. Silly options aside, the real plan should be you talking to Jake and telling him to tell people it didn't happen. And you do the same. Say you said it just because you felt like it, make up some reason. Put this ring on, and forget about all these losers that have nothing else better to do. Jake will back you up – he owes you one, I know he will," Eli said.

"I should? It would work?" Clare asked, desperation in her voice.

"It's worth a shot. I think it would work," Eli said with a smirk.

"Eli…it must have been so expensive," Clare said, but Eli juts shrugged.

"It wasn't," he lied, "And besides – my money's just been piling up now, one of the characteristics of being a single guy," Eli said with a smirk.

But all Clare could think of was that even when he was single, he was still spending all of this money…on her. Meanwhile…Jake had needed a gift certificate from Imogen, out of all people, to finally take Clare out to a nice dinner, and not once had he paid for a date by himself. Clare had loved it at the time – felt free from Eli's archaic gender constructs as she told her mom, which was met with a very unimpressed look by Helen, who had insisted that if boys didn't pay for at least the first few dates, that was a sign of bigger problems to come. In retrospect, Clare could only really think of…Jake taking her hiking here and there, something she didn't even really like, but that she had endured because it was time with him…he didn't like taking her to movies – he never had, not even after that fight – and often when they went for dinner, it was only at her suggestion. Never his, and that was just about the only thing that she could coax him into doing – and it always had to be at Little Miss Steaks, never at Death by Chocolate where she had wanted to go.

"It's so pretty," Clare said with a smile that thrilled Eli to the core.

"No more tears," he gently said as he wiped her face with a tissue from his pocket, wiping all the mascara off her face. When Clare smiled down at her ring some more, Eli wanted nothing more than to kiss her – and he was furious at his mind for betraying him that way the minute that the thought flashed through his mind.

He then said, "Clare…I know…you never really felt the same way that I did, and had I known that, I wouldn't have been so…clingy," Eli said, ashamed. "It wasn't only the bipolar, Clare. I didn't understand why it seemed like all of a sudden you were changing your mind, but I do know; it was my mistake…you never really felt the same way in the first place, there was no changing of mind," Eli said.

"Eli, wait – I never –" Clare began to say.

"What the hell do we have here?" Clare then heard a booming voice say, and both her body and Eli's startled as they saw a furious Jake pick up the condom that Josh had dropped to the ground.

"What the hell, Eli? Think you'd come back and get what you never did? Stay away from Clare, you psycho," Jake said at once, and Clare expected a huge fight to break out between the boys.

When all she felt was Eli gently move her out of his embrace and all she saw was Eli look deep into Jake eyes and whisper, "Shame on you, Jake. Shame on you," before he walked away, she felt her entire body tremble.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Clare was just about to step foot into the Christian Association room at the end of that school day, as she had realized she had forgotten to give back her training manual, when a sight that completely confused her made her step aside, wanting to hear the conversation.

"Who are you again?" Luke was saying in frustration and confusion.

"I'm Eli, I go here," Eli replied slowly, sounding very unamused. "Look, magic – I'm even in your grade," Eli said as he gestured between his blue shirt and Luke's.

"What do you want from me, I already told you I can't do that," Luke sighed.

"You're president – last I checked, presidents could do whatever they wanted," Eli replied.

"Oh, I remember you now," Luke said as a look of realization flashed across his face. "Just a guy trying to have a rational discussion, right?" Luke said.

"I'm sorry, but you were screwing my girlfriend up with all that stuff," Eli replied as Clare was taken aback at his term of reference.

"Last I checked, your girlfriend was sleeping with another guy," Luke replied.

"Look man, we broke up, and whatever Clare chooses to do in her relationships is none of your business," Eli said, a little angry.

"Oh, you're hearse boy," Luke said, and Clare saw Eli flinch. "Wow, you're sure got some nerve. Coming in here and telling me I'm the one who screwed up Clare," Luke said poignantly.

Eli was silent for a minute, and that silence, when combined with all of the things that Clare had heard Eli say earlier finally let her realize how much pain Eli had been drowning in since…their break-up. How he was…punishing himself. How…he blamed himself for everything.

"Look, man, all I'm asking is for you to help her – I thought this was what this club was about," Eli pointed out.

"This club is about following God's rules. Which Clare chose to break when she slept with her brother," Luke said.

"Jake was her boyfriend, who she is not related to, and who completely took advantage of her," Eli said. "But of course Clare gets ostracized while Jake is a hero," Eli pointed out.

"Jake is not in my club. Not any business of mine what he does; he doesn't represent what we stand for," Luke replied.

"Luke, I know you're a good guy. It was obvious that you care for Clare, and she's going through a rough time right now. All she wants is for her life to go back to normal – and this club is a huge part of her normal," Eli said.

"My hands are tied, Clare's own actions will determine her fate," Luke replied.

"Your hands are not tied, and you know it. Even in an universe governed by destiny, God still grants people free will," Eli pointed out, and Clare was taken aback by him taking this logic, not knowing that Eli had studied up last night as he was preparing his plan of attack.

"Well, yes," Luke conceded.

"What about forgiveness, man? What about that?" Eli asked. "What about the fact that she's just a sixteen year old girl whose entire world came crashing down in a matter of months and along comes a guy who she loves more than anything in the world and he….he plays her? What about that? What about you having the power to have a part in saving Clare's life right now? What would God tell you to do now?" Eli peppered.

"I…she did –" Luke faltered.

"She knows she did wrong, and trust me, she's beating herself up over it and paying so much penance. She's living in hell – excuse the expression – but she really is. She's strong, Luke, she's fearless and strong, she can get past the mean hallway comments, but…she used to look up to you, you know. Older guy running this club…you were a role model for her. Don't fail her too, Luke. Not when," Eli said as he sadly looked down at the ground, "Not when everyone who she loves so bravely has failed her in the worst way possible. Not you too, man. Don't you get it? God's giving you a chance to do right by this beautiful, giving girl. Don't you fail her too. Or else you know what you are? What you've been so far?" Eli asked.

"What?" Luke said softly.

"A bully," Eli replied with perfect confidence. "If you keep this up, you're nothing but a bully. And I sure may not know you well, but I know enough to know that's not who you are. You're no bully," Eli finished, and Clare hid behind the open door as she saw him start to walk out of the room.

"Hey, Eli?" she then heard Luke call out.

"Yeah?" Eli asked.

"It's really something to see true love, you know. Thanks," Luke said meaningfully. "You may not be the typical guy to join my club – ever," Luke said as Eli smirked in confirmation, "But you get it, Eli. You get it better than almost everyone who is in the club. Thanks for…showing me. It's awesome to see true love…even after everything Clare's done…you still love her," Luke pointed out intelligently.

"Just let her in the damn club again," Eli replied, and Clare wished so badly that he had made a direct reply to Luke's comment instead.

Clare spent the next fifteen minutes in the washroom, trying to gather her thoughts in regards to what she had just seen.

When she got back to her locker, a post-it was waiting for her.

_Clare, _

_ I'm gonna need you at the meeting next Tuesday – don't forget to bring your best brainstorming ideas for a new fundraiser. You're my brightest help, Clare, I know you won't let me down. Your binder is in my office, pick it up at the meeting. Bring your best ideas, gotta train you up for hopefully running the Association next year after I leave for U of T. _

_ See you soon,_

_ Luke_


	6. Always Up Before the Dawn

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

_"No…for all the right reasons…I love you"._

_ "You don't love me. You love Jake". _

_ "Jake….was a huge mistake. It should have been you, Eli. It always should have been you. Let me make it up to you, please. Come a little closer, Eli"._

_ "Wh-what are you doing?" _

_ "You know what I'm doing. I want a do-over…with you. Tonight". _

_ "Clare…we can't. You can't just turn back time like that". _

_ "Why not?"_

_ "Because you don't love me". _

_ "I do….Eli…this is it…I don't care about tomorrow…all I care about is tonight. I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm going to love you tonight"._

_ "See…hate yourself in the morning? Clare…you don't love me. I'm all wrong for you"._

_ "No…you're perfect, Eli. You're perfect. Just the way you are. Don't fight me….just be with me. I don't care about anything else…because I know it's you," I whisper and you finally look up at me. Your eyes are fixed on me as I move in front of you, and I slowly tangle my fingers into your hair because you let me. You let me pull on it gently as I sit on your lap, straddling you as you sit on the edge of my bed. You don't fight me when I push you down and the purple blanket that lies on the bed, the one you got me in the hospital, bounces so gently due to the mattress' spring as I lay you down. I'm surprised to see your trembling a bit, but it's nothing compared to the way that I can feel the best of your heart jump through your black button down shirt as I slowly undo the buttons between our slow kisses. You reach up and massage my back, slowly sliding my green cardigan off, and your hands are patient and loving as they move across my back. I know that all of your resistance is gone…melting away as your breath is loud and laborious as my kisses melt across your chest. I can feel your hands patiently moving lower and lower, and I miss their pressure for a bit until I feel your fingers graze the hem of my dress, asking for the permission that it takes me a split second to grant. Your movements are slow, loving, but sharp and eager at the same time. I feel the dress slide off of my body gently, your touch following it first, then its line of escape is followed by your lips on my skin, and I know your touch came first so that your kisses wouldn't take me by surprise, and if possible, I love you even more for it. You've always known me so well. _

_ I hear you say it first. And it's not meaningless…not said in a moment of making up excuses. _

_ It's honest. _

_ It's real._

_ It's the most real thing I've ever heard in my life. _

_ I know you love me…I don't need it said…but it's perfect, hearing it over and over again as you gently lay me down and your kisses make me lose all control of my senses. You're proceeding with care, sensitivity, and my hands are tugging so powerfully on your hair as my eyes close when you are kissing the edges of my bra that I am afraid that I am hurting you, but you don't complain. You never did. You're too busy trying to make sure that I am comfortable, that you are making me feel as good as possible. _

_ God, you don't have to worry. I've never felt anything like I feel with you, and as I slide off your jeans you are calming down my trembling and kissing my curls over and over again. I've never felt anything so strong; this is nothing like my first time…with him. If I was with him, everything would already be over by now. If I was with him, I'd be worried right now about…if it's good for him. If I'm the worst out of the girls he's been with…if he's losing interest, if he thinks I'm bad. It would be….all about him. _

_ But right now I'm thinking that you're not even aware that you exist, and I'm glad that you seem to have lost all control of your breathing, because it's a sign of how this is just as intense for you as it is for me. I love that you pull me into a tight embrace as you sit up, and I love that you are gently caressing my legs and kissing my shoulders gently, because I want to be as close to you as possible. _

_ "Take it off," I whisper in your ear, and I can hear you almost lose control and I haven't even done as much as kiss you yet. _

_ I love that you don't head for the finish line; you kiss me instead, and it's not like any other kiss that I've ever had before. Both of our bodies are trembling into it, and I'm not sure how I am going to control myself through this, but all I know is that I'm with you and that you'll make everything all right. I don't need to worry; there's no anxiety; all I want to do is remember this forever; remember the feel of every inch of you against my skin; I want us to be stronger than we've ever been. _

_ "Clare…." You moan softly as I press my chest against yours and move closer in your embrace. When I raise my body and place my hands on your shoulders, I hope that you know that this means that I'm going to need your help, and when I feel your hands move to my underarms I smile down at you, a soft smile that I hope tells you how much I want this. You kiss me again, and I know that you barely have any control over your own body. _

_ "Let me love you tonight, Eli," I whisper into your ear as I tangle my fingers in your hair again. I slowly move to adjust myself and my palms press against your bare chest as I feel you move in for another kiss. _

_ "I…are you sure?" you ask, holding me up a bit higher because you don't want to do something that I don't want. _

_ "I've never been surer of anything in my entire life," I honestly tell you, and your gaze is piercing, but even all your doubt can't find a shadow of insecurity in my eyes._

_ "Clare…I will love you forever," you say as I run my fingers through your hair. _

_ "I know," I tell you, closing my eyes as I grip your shoulders and hang onto you tightly – _

"Oh my God," Clare softly moaned as she opened her eyes in her bed and stood up, her body slightly shaking. "What the hell was that?" she asked herself as she shook the hair out of her eyes.

That dream was the most vivid one that she had ever had…she could have sworn that all those things were happening…just like that…just the way her mind imagined them.

But why?

God, it was an Eli dream, she thought as she laid back down and clutched her soft purple blanket tightly, breathing deeply and sighing in a vain attempt to calm herself down a bit.

She had never had an Eli dream…not like that.

She didn't know why; she had had one about Declan…one about Jake…but they had _never_ been like this one.

This one…it may have had its definitely physical impact, but what took her aback was the emotional impact of it all…she couldn't chase it away…her emotions were a moving target right now, as she attempted to tame her curls and calm down a little.

But it was no use; she couldn't shake the emotional intensity of it away. She wondered how it was possible that just this vision felt more emotionally intense than her real world experience with Jake.

She had imagined being with him….right here, in this room…in the new bed that her mom had gotten her after the custody hearing. Everything….seemed so vivid to her as she sighed over and over again, tossing and turning, trying to chase it out of her mind.

But no matter how much she tried to chase it, she couldn't help but wonder.

Why had this dream…been so different from her only experience? Truth of the matter was that her time with Jake had left her more anxious and slightly scared than anything. Jake had been with girls; Clare was no fool; she knew. Many girls, even…and Clare had seen pictures of them. Those were girls who undoubtedly had…skills. She had wanted to make Jake happy; she had wanted him to be….satisfied, and she knew that he was. But part of her couldn't be help but be happy when it was over – because it was finally over, and she…she didn't want to touch him after. She only wanted to cover up after. And when she realized that and thought back in a panic to something that Alli had said…she had pleaded Jake to stay with her, to hold her, but he was having none of it – simply none of it – he just went back to his own room, and Clare had never felt more alone and afraid ever before than she did that night. She felt…humiliated…that he had just left her like that…after she had specifically asked him not to leave her….but take off…is exactly what he did.

She had tried to herself it was no big deal and had denied it for the longest time; said things at school…dropped hints around those girls who Clare knew had their eye on Jake…hints that told them that they were as together as together could be…which backfired, resulting the humiliating hallway comments that had been haunting her until…until…Eli had intervened with Josh…and much like he said, people had left her alone since then. Eli had been right. People did believe he would do crazy things if provoked – so they left her alone, feared that if Eli heard them saying something bad about her, he'd shoot up the whole school 'like some deranged psycho'.

But Clare was no fool. She knew that he hated that people thought that way about him, and she hated that he basically did the one thing that hurt him most in order to protect her. And of course he had pretended that it didn't bother him, but Clare knew better than that. She knew that he didn't like his days at Degrassi anymore. She knew that he was living in hell.

She saw Imogen and Fiona try to cheer him up, and she hated that Imogen had grown close to Eli. At every lunch hour, there she was. At every recess, there she was. It made Clare wonder things…she knew what Eli had done to Imogen, and apparently she had forgiven him. She….Imogen had stood by him patiently and offered forgiveness and not judgement and it made Clare wonder if Eli would one day open his eyes and see what's in front of him – because Imogen surely still liked him, right?

And Clare didn't know how she felt about that.

She sighed again and turned on her side. When she closed her eyes, she drew the blanket a little tighter around her.

_It smelled like him_. From that night in the hospital where he had held her. It had caught his scent.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Fitz apologizes, and that's all you have to say…heartless monster. I don't need a locker stalker._

_You make all these plans…talk about forever. IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT! I hate the hearse! We HAVE TO break-up!_

_Stop it! You're suffocating me! You're pressuring me because you're not over Julia. _

_Jake…my boyfriend. I love you too. _

_ We are never getting back together. _

_ You're…messy. You're…messy. You're…messy. You're…messy. You're…messy. You're…messy. You're…messy._

"Please not again," Eli gasped as he stood up in bed.

But sure enough, it was happening again. The tears were there; the shaking was all over his body, and he knew it would take a full ten minutes to get the gasping down and his breathing under control.

He tried the muscle relaxing exercises, but all he wanted to do was to rip up papers – so he did, keeping a pile beside his bed like Dr. Lane had told him to just for these occasions.

It helped a little; it was something to focus on, the smooth, clear-cut rips being a little like his disease in his mind…he could rip it away and toss it into the garbage, right?

He wished. But even the garbage was a problem; he couldn't have one in his room…the temptation of putting everything back would be too great.

So he walked downstairs to throw the pieces out, his breathing still causing his body to shake a little.

When he returned back to his room and jumped into his warm bed, he knew he shouldn't. He could hear Dr. Lane's voice in his mind…coming back to it, just like she told him to.

_Be strong, Eli. I know that each night you'd love nothing more than to let the hot, powerful sadness take over. And I know that you'd like nothing more than being able to burst into the comfort of tears. But if you do that, it becomes a habit and it happens over and over again. You have to practice staying strong instead, Eli._

But Eli was afraid that he couldn't tonight. He was confused. He had spent so much time around her lately – well, for his new standard anyway. _So much time_ with her in his embrace, so much time making sure that everyone at school had stopped bullying her. So much time hearing people whisper things about him.

It was one thing for Fiona and Adam, and even Imogen – because Eli knew Imo knew, even if she was kind enough to never bring it up – it was one thing for all of _them _to know that he still loved Clare…that he'd never stop loving her.

It was _quite another_ for the entire school to know, however.

Eli felt as if his world was getting smaller and smaller every day. He felt the pressure building, and he hoped that his parents had taken his request seriously. Dr. Lane wasn't a fan of it exactly, but she also said that doing it wouldn't be the end of the world, although it came with its own risks.

Eli had already been through it once; he had learned. He would do it properly this time. He would keep to himself. He had never felt as if he understood Simon and Garfunkel more; he wished he would have listened to them the first time that he did this. He could easily be a rock; he could easily be an island. Because a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I don't get it, Clare. If you're not gonna make a move, then why did we do all that stuff with Fiona's friend, trying to get her not to come here?" Alli asked in confusion as Clare and her entered the newspaper office engrossed in conversation.

"I don't know," Clare shrugged.

"Clare, it's Eli. If you were to say it, he'd come running back like a little lost puppy. It would be the best day of his life," Alli said.

"Exactly – it's _Eli_," Clare pointed out.

"What do you mean?" Alli said in response to Clare's tone.

"Ali…Eli's bipolar," Clare said in a whisper.

"Um, that's no secret – the whole school knows. And after his little display with Josh, I do believe Eli convinced many people he's certifiably insane, hence everyone stopping their teasing of you so as to not piss him off and make him unleash World War III on the school or something," Alli said with a giggle.

"I know, and I appreciate it," Clare said.

"So then, what's the problem?" Alli asked.

"I just…I don't know if I can be with him. He does crazy things, Alli, and when he gets on one of his kicks, there's no drawing him out of it. He's unpredictable, and overwhelming….he can be like this big, dark, scary cloud sometimes. He's just…so intense…I've never known anything like it. And now he's on medication and…it's all so much more than I ever imagined in a boyfriend, you know? I just don't know if my boyfriend…the one I see myself with…is someone who is bipolar, who is…the way Eli is," Clare finally confessed, hoping that Alli wouldn't think she was a terrible person for it.

"I get it. You can't really be with someone who is crazy," Alli replied.

"I just…truth of the matter is that…Eli will always be manic, and it'll always spring up on me out of the blue; that intensity of his. I can't have a manic boyfriend…I just can't," Clare said with a shrug.

"Um, Clare…." She then heard as her heart sank…someone else was in the newspaper office?

Thank goodness Clare recognized the voice…it was Katie, and as much as Clare hated that Katie heard her say those things, _at least she wasn't with_ – Clare was thinking as she slowly turned around, only to have her face turn as white as snow when she did fully turn around.

_Of course_. Eli was Katie's English partner…and _of course_ they were working on their assignments this morning in the newspaper office.

Clare may have seen Eli in some truly horrible moments, but…but _nothing_ was comparable to the look that was on his face in that moment. There was no word in the English language to describe it.

He only locked gazes with her for a second before Clare heard his slightly shallow breathing choke back a gasp as he returned his eyes to Katie's paper.

Katie looked at Clare with a sad look in her eyes, a look that turned to worry when Eli's raspy voice softly said, "Um, so yeah…I…I can't think of any more suggestions, Katie, your paper is so good now. See you in Dawes' class," and he stood up, completely looking away from Clare.

"Eli! Wait!" Clare said as she called after him, running through the hallway after him.

Since when was he such a fast walker?

Clare saw people looking at her, but she didn't care. She saw Imogen and Fiona walking from the other direction and looking in worry at Eli, and in alarm at her.

"Eli! Stop! Wait!" Clare said as she began running.

He refused to stop, much to Clare's frustration.

"What did you do?" she then heard Imogen ask her through a blur.

"You stay out of this!" she yelled in anger, but Imogen only stepped in front of her.

"No – _you_ stay out, Clare. Stay out of his life. Haven't you done enough now?" Imogen asked in fury as Clare flinched at her words.

She…had never thought about things like that.

"Girls, it's time for class," they then heard Principal Simpson say, seeming to Clare as if he surfaced out of nowhere.

The principal's presence forced them all to go to class, but Clare didn't miss the fact that Imogen texted Eli, and unlike he had to her frantic calls, he immediately replied to her message, saying he was fine, and that there was no need to worry about him and thanking Imogen 'for being the most forgiving person I know'.

It made Clare realize that Eli had formed all new friendships…he had all new people to lean on.

But this….the things that he had heard her say…they were bad. _Really bad_.

Clare was afraid that something had happened.

She had just dealt the final straw. Her entire body froze when she remembered Eli's frigidity at her words.

And now she really wished she hadn't said those things.

She knew what it was. A direct attack on everything that Eli hated most about himself. Everything that he had tried so hard to change…and Clare knew that he had….as she thought back to the hospital…and how he had helped her. She wondered if…saying what she had was even fair…she had forgotten all about the hospital, because part of her wanted so badly to forget it.

Her eyes filled with tears when she tried to imagine how Eli must have felt.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_He's bipolar….he's crazy….raving lunatic….gonna shoot up the school, don't get near him…Eli's intense, he can be so overwhelming STOP IT STOP IT DON'T THINK ABOUT IT DON'T THINK count to one two three You don't know him like I do Alli, how he can get so lost in his plans STOP IT DON'T DON'T COUNT ONE TWO THREE DON'T DON'T THINK THINK DON'T DO IT STOP IT you must count ELI MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE YOU GOTTA BE STRONGER THAN THIS DON'T MAKE IT A TENDENCY_

"Hey, hey, it's okay. Eli, don't, don't, you'll hurt your hands. Come on now, it's all right. It's all all right. We'll make it so, okay? One step at a time," Eli heard a soft girlish voice say through the cloud of tears and brick smell – south wall of the school, no one ever came here – between the wall marking the end of the school zone and the school building…it was safe, alone time.

When he felt someone remove his hands from the cold cement that he had been hitting, he realized that the voice telling him that it would be okay was real, and not something he was imagining.

"Katie?" he asked in confusion.

"Shh. Easy does it," Katie said as she took his hands and slowly started walking him back to the school.

It took him a little while, and he had to lean on her slightly, but soon enough Eli gathered his wits enough to say,

"Sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm a mess," obviously embarrassed that someone else had to see the real him. Someone who had admired him – Eli knew that Katie was happy to have him as an English partner – they were the strongest partnership in the class.

"You're not a mess, Eli. I hate that word. I hate it when people say people are messy. What a terrible word," Katie sighed.

"I'm bi-" Eli began.

"Oh, who cares?" Katie said with a laugh, completely shocking Eli. "You're no different than anyone else, Eli. Besides, it's under control now. Your…it's under control, it's plain as day," Katie said gently.

"Ha! Pretty sure you're the only person at school who thinks that," Eli said.

"Oh come on, Eli, give me a little more credit than that – I'm an investigative journalist, for crying out loud. It's obvious those things you said to Josh were to protect Clare. Some gratitude she shows you," Katie scoffed.

"Katie…Clare didn't say anything that wasn't true," Eli said with a deep sigh.

"Clare is full of nonsense, Eli, don't you try to tell me about her, she's on my newspaper staff. She's extremely hard to manage, and to be honest, most of the time I find her really annoying. She never listens to a word I say, and she hates having a boss – think she's smarter than me, and she thinks I don't know it. She's so high strung – people call me intense!" Katie said incredulously. "_And _she hasn't written me an article in forever, been too busy with that disgusting Jake Martin I think, but I kept her on staff because I felt bad for what happened with her there," Katie said.

"That's good, that you kept her," Eli replied.

"Oh, Eli," Katie sighed. "You'll never stop loving her, will you?"

"Never," Eli said really quietly.

"How can that be?" Katie asked in pure confusion.

"Katie…you know. Just think of Drew…you know. You just can't help the way you feel – there's no better example of that than me," Eli said, tears now in his eyes that took Katie aback. She had only seen the confident and sarcastic side of Eli in person and the sensitive side in writing….never had she seen just how much pain he was hiding until this moment.

"Thanks for helping me. I'm sorry. I know it's scary," Eli apologized.

"It's not scary, Eli," Katie said with a bright smile. "Just remember – calm, control, okay? You can't let Clare get the best of you. You deserve some peace now, and Clare is…drama. Just stay away," Katie advised.

"I will," Eli said with determination in his voice.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Clare?" Helen asked in confusion. "Can you explain to me why your dad's old watch just came via courier in the mail?" Helen shouted from the top of the staircase.

When Clare appeared, it was obvious to Helen that she was…sad.

"I…can I tell you something, mom?" Clare asked.

"Of course, sweetheart," Helen replied, and Clare told her all about who had had the watch all this time and why.

"Oh. And…what does this mean?" Helen asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I…Eli might have overheard me say some things at school today," Clare said with a huge blush on her face.

"Such as what?" Helen asked, not liking Clare's tone.

After Clare gave her mom the full account, Helen gasped, "Oh, Clare," in pure disappointment.

"I didn't know he was right there!" Clare defended herself.

"Unbelievable – I know…what are the chances. It's really too bad Eli had to hear that. Oh Clare, I don't know if there's anything that could have hurt him more than that," Helen sighed. She then glanced at Clare's hand and blinked in confusion before asking,

"What is that ring on your hand? It's so pretty,"

"Oh," Clare said with an embarrassed smile. "It's um…Eli gave it to me. To make me feel better about the entire Jake disaster," she admitted.

Helen only sighed again. "I'm assuming this was before he heard you say what you did?" she asked, looking very unimpressed with Clare.

Clare only nodded in shame.

"Should I give it back to him?" Clare asked in a whisper.

"It's an expensive ring," Helen said as she studied it a bit more.

"Really?" Clare asked, not being as used to appraising jewellery as her mom was.

"Yeah. It's gold, and it's pretty big, so pretty how it wraps around your finger like that," Helen added.

"I'll give it back to him tomorrow," Clare said with determination.

"That probably won't have the effect you want it to. Can't just erase it like that, Clare. Just keep it. I think Eli would want you to keep it. He gave you a ring for your finger with a purpose. You'd probably only hurt him more if you gave it back to him," Helen advised.

"How could he give me back dad's watch without as much as a note? So rude," Clare said discreetly.

"I don't really understand what you want him to say," Helen said with a frown.

"Just something! Anything! So I can gage where he's at," Clare admitted.

"Clare, you're really confusing me. I don't know what you're thinking from one minute to the next," Helen said with a shrug.

"I feel bad mom! That he had to hear those things," Clare admitted.

"Yeah, well, so do I. So do I, Clare. Eli and his dad helped me a lot when we had that custody issue…when I had no one else to turn to, Eli stayed up and wrote that letter over night, and you know that letter weighed heavily; the judge read it into the court record! And Clare…I know this is not what you want to hear….but…'" Helen hesitated.

"But what?" Clare asked in frustration.

"Well, I don't think you've realized that…when everyone else fell to the sides, it was only Eli that stood by you, Clare. If I'm not mistaken, Jake felt the need to clear his mind after what happened and went to a concert with that girl of his. Alli you had driven away after what happened – with Jake, again – and your friend Adam came with Eli, and left after he saw that you were with Eli. Because…because he saw that you were with Eli, Clare. Don't you see? Eli was able to help you…in a way that a boy his age who is not a boyfriend shouldn't even be asked to help. It was…intense, Clare. What happened to our family. Why did Eli have to be there?" Helen asked.

"He didn't have to be anywhere," Clare replied.

"No. He didn't…did he?" Helen replied thoughtfully.

"I just don't know what to say to him. He won't talk to me," Clare replied.

"Oh, Clare. It's easy," Helen replied.

"What do you mean?" she asked thoughtfully.

"You say nothing. This is it; it's over. Whatever you and Eli still had left is over now. There's no going back from what he heard. It…the worst happened, Clare. Just…let him be at school now, okay? Don't talk to him. Enough now. Don't give the ring back, don't ask why he won't forgive you because he really does not have to, don't….just don't talk to him anymore. This is it. He's no longer a part of your life, but we wish him luck with his. Besides, he's leaving soon for college soon, anyway," Helen said with a tone of finality in her voice.

"What?" Clare asked in shock. "You…you want me to never talk to him again?" Clare asked.

"Yes," Helen said resolutely.

"I…thought…I thought you sort of liked Eli for me. As strange as that may be," Clare confessed.

"Oh, but I did. Clare, you know we have to do family therapy next week as part of the judge's orders. We're gonna go see Eli's therapist," Helen said.

"What? Why her?" Clare exploded.

"Because she's the best one in the city, and she's doing it for us at a discounted rate even. I needed someone I could trust, because I need to make sure we do a good job of complying with the judge's terms – I'm not risking anything anymore. I talked to Eli's dad on the phone – poor man, worked so hard to get Eli in to have the bets doctor after apparently his first doctors couldn't really figure out what was wrong with him," Helen said. "But all of this has made me realize something, Clare," Helen said sadly.

"What's that?" Clare asked.

"You're not ready to be with Eli," Helen sighed.

"Which is exactly what I was saying to Alli…I just should have done it more gently," Clare said.

"Oh, no, sweetheart, I didn't mean it like that," Helen said.

"What?" Clare asked.

"There's…there's a big difference in…maturity between you and Eli, sweetheart. It's not right…you're not right for each other anymore. Eli wants a best friend, and he wants to be a best friend. I think…I think you are still figuring yourself out," Helen said.

"What? Whose side are you on?" Clare asked in outrage.

"There's no sides here, Clare. But…I was a teenage girl once too. I know how you're thinking. I know why you chose to be with Jake, Clare. Jake is a very beautiful boy, I know that. But…I wonder if you ever took the time to check if he was beautiful on the inside as well. Clare…with Eli you manipulated the perception you wanted me to have of him…said bad things about him to twist what a good boy he really is. With Jake…you lied to my face, gave him credit for all of these good things – like fixing your hand at the cabin that time, for saving you from those bullies - you looked me, your mom, square in the eyes, and lied. It's not as easy as the way Eli dresses, or the way that he's not religious…because he might not be religious, but that boy has the strongest morals of anyone I know. But enough is enough now. This is it. You take your lesson and learn from it. But with Eli – it's over. Don't talk to him. Just leave him alone now. This is closure…finally," Helen said.

"You don't know how intense he can be," Clare replied.

"And I'm sure he is. I talked to his dad a bit…I know that Eli has had a very intense life. I know that. A very, very intense life. But…for all of his complexity, Eli's quite easy to read, you know," Helen noted.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked.

"Well, at the end of the day, he was the only one of your boyfriends – and friends – who could be trusted to be there for you despite having been really, really hurt, Clare. Eli's easy to read; rare kind of teenage boy, but not all that complex. I know he tries to come off as this tough bad boy…but the truth is that I've never seen someone – anyone – be as gentle and loving to you as I saw him be in the hospital. He's one of the good ones, Clare. One of the _only_ good ones," Helen said slowly.

"I think we should be friends," Clare then desperately said.

"No," Helen replied resolutely.

"But you're always telling me how the best part of what we had was that we were best friends! Surely we can get back to that – why couldn't be friends?" Clare protested.

"It doesn't work like that. In you and Eli's case…you can't have one without the other. There's no way that he can be just friends with you. It's either dating and best friends at the same time, or nothing. It's not fair to ask that of him, Clare. Eli's always going to be living with his pain and feelings that will never be resolved for you. It would be torture for him. So if you really consider yourself his friend, you won't do that," Helen said with a sad smile.

"I just need to know what he's thinking," Clare emphasized.

"No. You don't need to know anything. It's over. Besides, he's leaving soon. He only has one semester left. He's almost gone," Helen pointed out, and she watched her daughter's expression change to one of displeasure.

"I don't think he's gonna go to college," Clare said.

"What?" Helen asked in shock.

"He's had all these issues, mom…how can someone like him be thinking about college? He's probably just been trying to get his health under control…not be hospitalized…I just don't see him in college anymore," Clare said.

"Wow? Really? He's still that sick?" Helen asked.

"I know he is," Clare replied back quickly.

"Really?" Helen asked again.

"Yes," Clare replied.

"Clare. Listen to me. Then I want you to stay far away from him. I thought he had his issues more or less under control, I thought he was off to college soon, but if I was wrong, I do not ever want you around him. Understood?" Helen asked.

"Yes," Clare said to her mom, noting that she felt a little better.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Katie," Clare asked, "I need to ask you for a favour," she said shyly as she approached the editor's desk.

"What?" Katie asked with a look of annoyance.

"I need to read the last thing Eli wrote for English. You're his partner, you must have it," Clare pushed.

"Um…why do you want to do that?" Katie asked.

"Because I'm worried about him," Clare said in a perfect tone.

She never expected Katie to laugh and reply, "You're a terrible liar, Clare. It's written all over your face, the nervousness. Tell me the real reason," Katie pushed.

"I just need to see it," Clare said.

"Sorry, Clare. I don't feel okay with doing that," Katie said, leaving the office when Clare heard Drew tapping on the glass and smiling at Katie while holding up a soccer ball.

Clare waited for Katie to be far gone before she opened her desk drawer…and she found it easily enough. Katie's desk was very well organized, and she had a folder with all of her English homework…it was even easier than Clare expected.

She just wanted to judge where Eli was at, and his writing had always been like a window into his soul, Clare knew.

She didn't like the title of the piece.

_As You Turn Away_

_ Standing face to face…wrapped in your embrace – I don't want to let you go, but I know the truth. The truth is that you're already gone. You've been gone a long time now. _

_ So you kiss my cheek; but it's soft and bittersweet. I can read it in your eyes – this is our final good-bye. _

_ And it's all right. _

_ It's all right because there's nothing more to say. There's nothing more to break. I keep reaching out for you…hoping you might stay…but I'm done with that now. There's nothing more to give; nothing left to take…I keep reaching out for you…reaching out for you…as you turn away. _

_ Let go of my hand so I can feel again. Nothing will hurt as much as that final touch…those final words. _

_ No, we can't be friends. Because I don't think I can take seeing you and knowing where we've been. I hope you understand. There's nothing more to say, nothing left to break. Nothing more to give; nothing left to take…all I've been doing is keep reaching out for you as you turn away. _

_ One step – my heart is breaking. One more – my hands are shaking. The door is closing, and I just can't change it. _

_ Nothing more to say. Nothing left to break. Nothing left to give. Nothing left to take. _

_ All I've been doing is reaching out for you…reaching out for you…I keep reaching out for you…as you turn away. _

"I gotta talk to him," Clare exhaled as she rotated her new ring on her finger.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day, he's not there.

He's not anywhere.

She panicks.

Eli is unpredictable…what if…? What if…? Is someone watching him, she wonders. Is he under suicide watch…should he be? Surely he should be, she thinks. She thinks he shouldn't be allowed … allowed to be with himself.

"Hey," she then hears a voice say to her.

"Adam!" she breathes in relief. "Where's Eli?" she asks, getting right to the point.

"Why are we talking about Eli?" Adam asks with a raised eyebrow.

"Is he under suicide watch?" Clare asks.

"What the hell? Um, no, he's not on suicide watch," Adam replies, sounding surprised.

"Well, can you blame me for asking?" Clare retorts.

"Um, Clare, how much time have you spent with Eli lately? Other than that hospital event…I don't think you know how…different he's these days," Adam points out.

"Different?"

"I call it Eli 2.0. He's been working hard in his intensive therapy, and the truth is that…it works. Whatever that doc is doing with him, it freaking works. It was slow going at first – but all of a sudden it was as if a light shined down on him or something. He can handle his emotions, and he's a lot…calmer," Adam said.

"Does he talk about me?" Clare asked, no longer able to contain herself.

"Um, no. But…I think he does that for my sake. Since the break-up, he's been pretty tight-lipped about…everything. I think he feels bad for all that third-wheel complaining I did," Adam said.

"Where is he?" Clare then asked.

"Dawes sent him and Katie to the U of T Writers' fest thing for the day," Adam said with a shrug.

"The Writers fest is on right now?" Clare asked in shock…she used to be so excited for those special days in the city…all these famous authors came, and gave great talks, and Degrassi was always allowed to send a representative…and Clare felt a sharp pang in her heart when she realized that…Mrs. Dawes hadn't chosen her.

"Yeah, he's just at U of T for the day. Checking it out since he's applying there and all," Adam justified.

"He's going to college next year?" Clare asked in shock.

"Um, yeah, of course," Adam said with a confused look.

"Why?" Clare burst out.

"Because it's what you do after high school," Adam said with a shrug.

"He's not too sick?" Clare asked.

"Awesome listening," Adam said sarcastically. "Clare, Eli's not some type of mental psycho who's gonna shot us all one of these days – and you know why those rumours exist in the first place. He played it up for those idiots who were giving you a hard time. But don't stand here and tell me you believe it too," Adam said in a serious tone.

"I just…I just never imagined him in college," Clare said, embarrassed.

"Um, well, he's going. In September. It's gonna be a huge bummer to have him gone, but at least I hope he chooses U of T. He'll probably have his pick of colleges," Adam said with a shrug.

Clare's face remained frozen as she breathlessly said, "Yeah. Right," an absent look on her face.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"My treat. The least I can do," Eli said as he paid for Katie's skinny latte and his own caramel macchiato.

"Thanks, Eli," Katie replied with a smile. "Today was fun. So cool to meet so many journalists," she added.

"I know. So much fun, and sure beats another day at Degrassi. I love it here," Eli said as he looked around the huge U of T campus. Having grown up in Toronto, he knew it somewhat…but today…today he had felt a bit different. He knew that somewhere, in some database on the campus, his application was filtered…and that he had a chance of coming here and studying with the amazing people that he had gotten to hear from today.

"Drew's picking me up now, do you want a ride back to Queen's Street or something?" Katie asked as she glanced at her phone.

"I…I think I might stick around here for a while, actually," Eli replied with a smirk. "Tell Drew I say hi and that I/m kicking his butt in Halo tomorrow at guys' night," Eli continued as Katie laughed in reply and said her good-byes.

Eli made his way to the main coffee shop in the Student Union Building, and he pulled out his copy of _Purple Wasteland_ and studied its cover. Marcus Davy was a prof on this very campus, he thought as he flipped the book's pages thoughtfully. If he got in, he could study with him, maybe. If he got in, he could study only English Lit and Creative Writing – a double major, perhaps. No more math and science, no more stupid high school group projects…it could just be…like what he had always craved. Just lit. Just writing. Getting taught by the most amazing writers themselves. Sure, he had applied to UBC, U of Ottawa, and a safety college in Ontario…but U of T was the best school in the country…and where Marcus Davy taught.

_If I get in…it could be a fresh start. I could…I could have everything I….Eli's bipolar...I can't be with anyone who is bipolar…he's manic. STOP IT. Oh God, who I am kidding. I can't be a writer. No one wants to read the ravings of a manic lunatic, ranting from his straitjacket in the mental ward of the hospital. Why am I even thinking about getting in? I'm not going to get to do this. I can't make long-term plans. It's useless. I can't. Not me. All I need to work on is making it through tomorrow. I no longer have a future. Just one day at a time, and if I don't burn my house down or frighten someone out of their wits I can call it a good day. My parents don't deserve this. I may have been raised a weird kid, but no one deserves what I am. I'm not anyone who can have a future. All I am is exactly what she called me – whoa…is that…-_

Eli's thoughts were interrupted by a sight that he opened his eyes wide to. It couldn't be…could it? That figure…in the dark dress pants and black leather jacket, hanging onto a briefcase and a paperback as he made his way through the quad…it looked just like…Eli decided he'd forever regret not taking this chance later…so he ran. He ran after the figure, and as soon as he got close enough, he could tell that it really was him!

He slowly stepped in front of him and gazed in awe at…the man who had rapidly become one of his favourite writers.

"Wow. You're Marcus Davy. Wow…you…you are an amazing writer," Eli said as he stared in amazement at his idol.

"Thank you," the literature professor and writer said with a polite nod. "See you in class, son," he added, moving out of the way with a smile.

"No, no," Eli said, finding himself a little flabbergasted and not as eloquent as he would have liked to imagine himself in this circumstance.

The writer just raised an eyebrow in Eli's direction in confusion.

"Sorry," Eli said. "I'm obsessed with you, Dr. Davy," he explained, but when a strange look crossed the writer's face, Eli widened his eyes as he realized the ambiguity of his words and awkwardly clarified, "Woah, not in a weird, creepy or sexual way or anything like that. Just…your writing, Dr. Davy. It captures teenagehood like nothing else that I've ever read. You're an amazing writer, Dr. Davy," Eli explained.

"Thank you," Marcus Davy replied, looking pleasantly amused now.

Eli smirked a little and added, "I'm Eli Goldsworthy, I sent you a letter and a story a while ago, I know you must get tons, but just – this is awesome, meeting you, just…thanks," Eli said, nodding politely and getting ready to walk away.

"Eli Goldsworthy?" he then heard his idol ask, and it was Eli's time to raise an eyebrow.

"Yes," he said.

"Eli Goldsworthy…" Marcus Davy repeated with a thoughtful look on his face before he gasped slightly and smiled before saying, "Heart of the World," citing the name of Eli's story.

Had an asteroid come down at that moment and crashed beside the two of them, Eli could not have been more shocked.

"What?" he gasped.

"Your story – 'Heart of the World' – I read it. It was a good story," Marcus Davy said with a smile.

Eli felt as if his heart was about to stop.

"I'm sorry," he said nervously, "It's been a really rough time for me lately…could you, could you just…maybe say that again, repeat it just to make sure I'm not hallucinating this?" Eli asked, loving that the famous prof didn't seem freaked out by his request, but only rather amused.

"I said, I read your story, Eli. It was an excellent story. I enjoyed it very much," Marcus Davy clarified.

"Oh my God," Eli softly said, unable to fully comprehend that Marcus Davy had read his story and remembered it by name – and remembered him by name as well.

"Why don't you come with me to my office? I'm headed there right now. I'm afraid I just get too many e-mails to respond to them all, but I have your story in my office, I'd love to give you some feedback," Marcus Davy said with a patient smile. "I've got an hour before I meet my wife for dinner," he said as Eli could barely believe what was happening.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Twenty minutes later, as he was sitting in an amazing office in the U of T Arts profs' office tower, looking at a perfect view of the waterfront, Eli felt as if he had known Marcus Davy his entire life.

But nothing prepared him for the moment in which, when he discreetly pulled out his pill container, knowing he needed to calm down a bit, Marcus Davy smiled and pulled out….an identical one from his desk drawer.

"You're….?" Eli trailed off.

"Bipolar," Marcus Davy finished for Eli. "I imagine the doctors got you diagnosed a lot earlier than they did me – little was known about the disorder when I was your age. Sure would have saved me a lot of trouble, I think," Marcus Davy said with a laugh. "When were you diagnosed" he asked.

"Just a few months ago," Eli replied.

"You doing all right with it? The meds helping? They help me," Marcus Davy said.

"Yeah, they do make a big difference. I just….I can't believe it. No offense, but it's not mentioned anywhere, on any biography or anything," Eli said.

"Meh," Marcus Davy said with a wave, "It's boring, Eli, just one more way that I meet the writer stereotype. Which writer hasn't been bipolar?" he said with a chuckle.

"I've never thought about it that way," Eli said.

"Has nothing to do with who you are of what you write – I didn't know I was bipolar for decades, so don't let one word throw you off your game. Because you –" the prof said as he pointed his index finger at Eli, "You got game kid. You're still in high school and you're already better than most of my fourth-years. Your story isn't a story, it's a novella, Eli, and a damn good one at that," Marcus Davy said.

He didn't realize it, but to see him…meant the world to Eli. Because right there, behind the desk nestled in between so many bookshelves and stacks of essays was exactly what Eli needed. It was the proof that he couldn't deny – the proof that someone who was like him in so many respects had not faltered to the point of complete breakdown. On the contrary, this man was a famous writer – who taught at U of T. He got to spend his days writing and reading, and doing things that Eli…that Eli could dream of doing one day, too. Because Marcus Davy's very existence proved to Eli that maybe…well, maybe he could too. One day.

"Eli, I loved your story especially because of the characters. They are unique, well-drawn; the rocker parents who still have date night, embarrassing their son left right and centre, the transgender best friend who is so confident but so vulnerable at times, the New York socialite who looks perfect on the outside but who on the inside doesn't even realize how much love she gives, and the quirky, slightly obsessive girl with the crazy hairstyles every day – she, she was my favourite. Yeah, you really love your characters, and it really comes through in the writing," Marcus Davy noted.

"Guess I never thought about it like that," Eli said with a smirk.

"My only criticism, if I may," the prof noted.

"Oh, please, it's what I need," Eli said eagerly.

"It needs an ending," Marcus Davy said with a meaningful look.

"I know," Eli said as he nodded. "I just…I don't know how to end it," Eli explained.

"Well, you should figure that out. It's U of T press publishing worthy, Eli. It's a great story. What I took from it was this – that even in a world where all these people live with so much pain and hurt each other unintentionally – it's clear your protagonist carries so much guilt around, and something happened with him and the girl who is my favourite, the quirky one, though I like that it's kept implicit – even in such a world…where you're reading and all you can think is 'God, these people are doomed, they are all headed for total disaster'…that even in that world, what lies beneath that surface are these very deep, these very real human connections. And that love…that love is the heart of the world. Is that…is that the message you were going for?" Marcus Davy asked.

"Um…" Eli hesitated, "I never really thought about it that way…but yes," he confirmed.

"Good. It's a great message. You gotta give it an ending now. And maybe I can help with that. Did you apply to U of T?" Marcus Davy asked.

"I did," Eli shyly responded.

"Well, let's check on that status, then son, the admissions council did a bunch of work today. Did you declare a prospective major?"

"Yeah, English Lit and Creative Writing double major," Eli specified.

"Fine choices," Marcus Davy said. "Got a student number?" he asked, and after Eli told him it, having to check his email to retrieve it, he saw his file come up on the prof's computer.

"Excellent transcript, Eli," Marcus Davy approved. "Check it out – you've already been processed. Congratulations son, you're in. And what's more, you're in line for an entrance scholarship to the Faculty of Arts if your last semester of high school goes well," Marcus Davy said, and he could tell that Eli was in shock.

"Wow," Eli replied. "I'm in?" he asked.

"Welcome to U of T, son. I see you took advanced English, means you'll get credit for first year and you can register right into second. I'll be teaching a section of 200-level American Lit, you can register for it with me and we can work together next semester then. Get your story published. Or novella, I should say. Probably publish it as a novella – a publisher will want something longer from you before it'll be time to put some short stories out there," the experienced prof said, and Eli's jaw almost dropped.

"See you in the fall, Eli. Maybe by then you would have figured out an ending," Marcus Davy told Eli meaningfully as he shook his hand, leaving Eli on cloud nine. And for the first time in a long time, Eli didn't have to be scared of his feelings of intense joy. Because as he went home and told his mom and dad about his day; about his admittance to the top university in the country, and about the scholarship he was due to receive….he saw that Cece and Bullfrog shared the same joy.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Clare and her mom were standing outside Mrs. Dawes room, just about to go in for parent teacher conferences, but…having spent the last ten minutes…overhearing, as Helen chose to interpret it.

Overhearing a very excited Eli tell his favourite teacher the events of his encounter with Marcus Davy, and all about the good news he got in school.

"That is so fantastic, Eli. I'm so proud of you, you know," Mrs. Dawes praised him.

"Mrs. Dawes…yesterday meant the world to me. I…I never thought that I still had a chance you know…to do everything I wanted to do. I thought…that I was too screwed up to get to enjoy life, to…to do something more with myself. But yesterday I saw that…I still have a chance. Marcus Davy was bipolar too, and now he's a writer and a prof. I still have a shot," Eli said emotionally.

"Oh Eli, you have more than a shot," Mrs. Dawes said with confidence before Helen finally pulled Clare away.

"I guess he's going to college after all, huh, Clare?" Helen asked her daughter meaningfully once they were down the hall.

"I guess so," Clare said, her mind being overcome by a feeling that she had pushed away for so long now.

Regret.

Adam had been right. She knew nothing about Eli's life anymore. Including the fact that…in their time apart, Eli had been rising. And as she did some reflection, Clare realized that she…she…had been falling down a deep spiral all of this time…and it would need a lot of work to get herself out of it.

Work that she wasn't sure that she could do by herself.


	7. 16, Beautiful, & Dancing with my Heart

**Last chapter, everyone! **

**I would like to thank everyone who has ever read and reviewed any of my stories! This has been quite the ride! **

**I began doing this because I just liked to imagine different scenarios. I continued writing, starting my longest story Love Does Not Take Offence this past summer and a few more since, because people told me my stories made them happy. **

**I only ever did this to make people happy; it was all I ever wanted. However, things have taken a turn, and something that I started to make people happy has resulted in me ending up on the receiving end of some rather mean and some absurd comments. When just two days ago, I came across them on tumblr, saw them in my anon messages as well, I realized that something that takes a significant amount of time and effort is simply just being hated. **

**All I can say is that I'm sorry I've let you down to all those people who say mean things about me and my work. I hope the people you interact with, teachers and bosses that you might have someday are gentler with you than you have been with me. I'm not one for assumptions and beliefs that are not grounded in evidence; I simply go off of what we have to date on the show and then extrapolate a lot. I don't assume some of the things that many fans do, and that is probably just a habit of the things I have been taught in school and work; evidence is a pretty big deal in the world that I study and work in. **

**But I don't know what you want from me, and I'm feeling really tired now. **

**Once again, I'm sorry I've let you down, and just a small request: Please be careful with what you say about others. I like to think Degrassi fans should know this, but evidence (quite the evil mistress showing up again, eh) points to the contrary. I'm a big girl, and I still found it all extremely hurtful; imagine what a teen must feel like. All I ever wanted to do was give people some happiness; and all I ended up doing was causing myself a lot of hurt. **

**For those of you reading this story, I hope you like the final chapter! **

**It has been a true honor and privilege to write for you, and thank you so much for all of my lovely readers who have demonstrated kindness. You make me very proud! Maybe one day I will feel safe enough to write for you again. Until then, don't hesitate to contact me and talk to me. I always try to be nice, and I like to think that most of the time I succeed. (twitter: westcoasttrees1 / tumblr: westcoasttrees)**

XXXXXXXXXX

"Off we go everyone," Helen Edwards said tiredly to her family. "Last session today, let's just get through this one, report it to the judge and then we're done with it all. Jake, you have your last court-ordered rehab appointment today and once that's over our lives can go back to normal," Helen said with an optimistic smile as she led everyone to her car, passing the keys to Glen.

Once they got to Dr. Lane's office and they went through their typical routine with her, all Clare wanted to do was to leave already. She didn't exactly like therapy, and she had an urgency to always want to ask Dr. Lane about Eli. What did she do with him? Clare didn't think that it was the same things that the doctor had done with her – in their case it was all focused on family therapy, and in the one session that the doctor had insisted that only Clare and Jake attend, Clare understood that…her expectations of Jake had never really been realistic for the type of boy Jake was. She was slowly coming to terms with the new role that Jake would play in her life, and she actually found that she didn't care all that much. She did, however, feel an urgent need to fix things with Eli…just to apologize for the things that he had overheard her say…she really regretted saying that she couldn't have a manic boyfriend…it just sounded so, so harsh.

"All right, I think we're done. It's been a pleasure to work with you, and please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any further questions – I would like, however, one final session with Clare and Helen, please," Dr. Lane said, and Jake and his dad bolted out of the room in a split second, neither of them really being ones for talking.

"It's not a bad thing that I asked you to stay in any way," Dr. Lane then said with a smile. "I just wanted to do something with you that I do with some patients on their very first day. I'm hoping it will show you something, Clare. It's called the values game…have you heard of it before?" Dr. Lane asked.

"No," Clare said, and Helen shook her head.

"It's really simple," Dr. Lane said with one of her characteristic warm smiles. "You will each take these cards – there are fifteen of them. Each of them has a value printed on them – you can consider it literally or in a more personal sense. For example, one is labelled 'strength' – and you can consider that to be whatever it means to you. It can mean physical strength, or moral strength, whatever it means to you. We will go through the cards and you will narrow them down to the ones that are most important to you. Depending on how it goes, at the end of the activity you will end up with the top 3 cards – the top 3 values that are most important to you, or we can choose even one. Let's get started; please get comfortable in any area of the room and spread the cards out," Dr. Lane instructed, and Clare actually smiled back at her for the first time ever, because this activity actually sounded fun.

Clare laid all of the cardboard cards out on a mahogany table, reading each one and thinking about what it meant. Dr Lane instructed her to choose ten out of 16 to start, so she looked at them all together first.

Beauty / Integrity / Money / Love / Strength/ Friendship / Responsibility / Religion / Compassion / Determination / Fun / Loyalty / Honesty / Sex / Kindness / Patience

It wasn't easy, but the first 6 cards that Clare pulled out were Fun, Sex – she had already gotten enough exposure to those, and they definitely weren't everything that she had expected them to be…they were not the solution…not like Jake had said. The other four that she pulled out were Money, Patience, Determination and Strength.

"Very good, Clare," Dr. Lane praised her. "Now five more, I know it's going to be hard, but just try. The interesting thing about this exercise is that every time that I do it my final choices fluctuate – they will never be the same; even a week from now, it could all be different. A few years from now even more so. Just keep doing it, five more," Dr. Lane instructed.

Loyalty, Responsibility, Kindness, Determination and Compassion then came out of her card pile.

"Very good. Just now take out two more, and you will be left with your final three," Dr. Lane said.

Clare then pulled out Beauty, leaving her only with Love, Friendship, and Integrity, but she kept substituting Loyalty and Religion for each other, unable to make a decision.

"It's all right, sweetheart," she then heard Dr. Lane say, the term of endearment surprising Clare as Dr. Lane had never referred to her in that way before. "You can keep four – there's no need to take religion out," the doctor said patiently.

"You can share them with your mom if you want to, and Helen you can do the same with Clare," Dr. Lane said, and Clare saw her mom approve of her choices with a smile. Helen's final choices had been Love, Compassion and Religion.

"Wow," Dr. Lane then said with a smile as she looked down at Clare again. "Interesting," she said coyly.

"What do you mean?" Clare softly asked.

"You have great values, Clare. Love, Friendship, Integrity and Religion," Dr. Lane praised her.

"Too bad I haven't been exactly following them," Clare said sadly.

"Clare, the past is the past and there is no point to dwell on it because it's over. The only thing that you can control is the future," Dr. Lane said.

"What were Eli's values?" Clare then burst out loudly, becoming red-faced immediately after.

"Clare…Eli's my patient and the same way that I don't tell him what we talk about, I can't tell you what we talk about," Dr. Lane said.

"Please," Clare all but begged. "Please, he won't talk to me because he heard me say –" Clare hesitated.

"I know that he heard something that you didn't want him to. But he's okay, Clare. It's all right that he heard that. Maybe he needed to. I think you'll be seeing Eli making a new fresh start in his life. After what happened with your hospital situation and you got close again…Eli needed to hear that you don't want to date him. Don't worry about him, he's fine," Dr. Lane advised.

"But…I didn't want him to. Please, please just tell me his values," Clare begged.

"Clare," Dr. Lane sighed. "Eli and you share two out of three values. He also had Love and Friendship as two of his top ones. His third one was Loyalty," the doctor said.

"Loyalty," Clare breathed shakily. "Of course, of course he would. You probably think I'm so horrible…knowing everything I did to him," Clare then said.

When Dr. Lane laughed, Clare looked at her mom in surprise.

"Clare…you have to remember that everything I know about you and Eli's past is filtered through his perspective. And in that perspective…you're only one thing, darling," Dr. Lane said.

"What's that?" Clare softly asked.

"A hero, Clare. A hero. To Eli…you'll always be sixteen, and beautiful, and dancing away with his heart," Dr. Lane softly said.

"Really?" Clare whispered, tears now in her eyes.

"Clare, you need to see something. With Eli, I have a hard time getting him to talk sometimes. Because he's ashamed. And you're the most difficult subject for him - because his behaviour around you is his biggest regret. He's really ashamed. But I got his report cards as part of his records, and I could tell that he was a writer," Dr. Lane said as Clare nodded.

"So what I do with Eli is I've asked him to keep a journal that he hands into me every so often. It's really easy to understand him better that way – he pours his soul into his writing. There's one piece that…I'm going to let you see it, because I think you need to understand something," Dr. Lane said, pulling out a small black Moleskin notebook that to Clare right away screamed Eli.

"Your mom can read it too," Dr. Lane said, and Helen scooted closer to Clare.

"I asked Eli to share with me his most honest feelings about you. It turns out he chose to focus on the future," Dr. Lane said as Clare's eyes eagerly scanned the paper.

_I miss you more than you'll ever know. But I understand. I'm not what you wanted. Deep down inside, I knew this would all end badly for me, but I got so lost in the happiness that I felt with you that I fooled myself into thinking that you could love me. _

_ But none of that matters now. Things are so different now. Now…you have loved. You loved him, and even if he did not deserve your love and he caused pain, at least you loved. At least you had more than you did with me. All I can do now is tell myself that it doesn't hurt. _

_ Watch. I've gotten really good at it. The people who hear it most are my parents and Adam. Dr. Lane is harder; she always calls me out on it; she doesn't buy it. But she says that it's okay if I say it. _

_ It doesn't hurt. I hope life's been good to you since I've been gone. I'm doing fine now; I've finally moved on. It's not so bad; I'm not that sad. _

_ See? I can say it. I do it all the time. I can say it. _

_ I'm not surprised just how well I survived; I'm over the worst and I feel so alive. I can't complain; I'm free again. _

_ See? I can say it. _

_ It only hurts when…I'm breathing. But I can hold my breath, to forget. _

_ But it's not the fact that you don't love me that hurts. It's what I did to you that hurts. I hurt you. I scared you. I was a heartless monster, you said it best. _

_ I'm so sorry, Clare. You have no idea how sorry I'll be, for the rest of my life. I'm just so sorry. I would give anything to take it back. But for now all I can do is finally give you the space that you need and hope that…well, there's many things that I hope for you, actually. _

_ I hope you never lose your sense of self; your sense of wonder. I hope that you always keep your hunger for knowledge and excellence. May you never take one single breath for granted, and God forbid that love ever leave you empty-handed. I hope that whenever one door closes for you, another one opens. Time is a wheel in constant motion, and I don't ever want it to leave you behind. I hope you never fear whatever is in the distance, and never settle for the path of least resistance. _

_ Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking…and loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making. I desperately hope that you will never leave some selfish heart leave you bitter. _

_ And just one more thing that I hope for you. I hope that you give the heavens above more than just a passing glance…and I pray that you give your faith a fighting chance. _

"Do you see why I wanted you to read this?" Dr. Lane then asked Clare as she tearfully nodded.

"Don't worry about Eli, Clare," the doctor then said. "You let me worry about him," she said with a wink.

"Dr. Lane?" Clare then shyly asked. "Do you think…that I have the right to ask Eli to…get back together with me?"

"Yes, but I sincerely hope that you mean it if you ask him. And be prepared for him to say no – Eli's practicing staying strong and independent. He is only allowed to depend on his parents right now," the doctor said.

"Mom?" Clare asked in a whisper.

"Dr. Lane, is Eli…all right?" Helen asked.

"He is. He finally is. Eli's case is special," Dr. Lane said.

"What do you mean?" Helen asked curiously.

"Bipolar fits him…but there's much more to Eli than bipolar. Flip the page forward, Clare, and…read what he wrote…on Julia's seventeenth birthday…yesterday," Dr. Lane said.

"Oh my God, her birthday was yesterday? The same day that Eli heard me say those awful things?" Clare said in horror as Dr. Lane silently nodded.

"I understand now that…Eli loved me…for me. But he was scared," Clare said as Dr. Lane nodded. "It…it breaks my heart that he heard me say those things on such a hard day for him," Clare said painfully before she held the notebook in between her and her mom, knowing Helen would also want to read.

_Dear Julia, _

_ My hand is shaking as I write this and I can't see through my tears. Why did this have to happen? How can people believe in a God who would let such a thing happen? There's nothing fair or logical about this. I have no words, and you know how much I like words. _

_ Today is so hard. You would have been seventeen. And I…I have become someone who I doubt you would even recognize. Apparently I'm bipolar. Something about how my mind collapsed because of stress. And you know what the worst part is? It's all people identify with me. It's my word. You remember the word game, how everyone has a word that belongs to them. Your word will forever be artist. You only got to show one piece at an exhibition, but I know you would have done so many great things. My word isn't 'love' like you said it was. We were wrong. My word is 'bipolar', or 'crazy' or…'manic'. I heard that word today as the only word that characterizes me…from Clare's lips. Cece said you would have wanted me to be happy, and I realized that I'd never forget you. You know I didn't mean it when I said you ruined my life. I ruined her life, and now I'm such a mess that the only girl who has loved me wouldn't even recognize me. You loved me. I always knew that, and I'm glad that every morning the first words that I said to you were 'I love you'. I didn't say it enough times even at that. _

_ Today I found myself wishing for something that I would every day before I met Clare…one more day with you. I just wish I could have you here with me, sitting on my bed with your hair falling over my arm as I hold you. It's really hard on my own. I take so much out of my parents, you know. Even my own parents think I'm crazy. There's only two people other than them who believe in me; my English teacher and this English prof from U of T who is my only evidence that my life isn't a disaster. Yet. My friend Fiona is really caring and my friend Imogen gives me love that I don't deserve. Sometimes I'm pretty sure that it's only the bipolar in me that fascinated her about me when she had this crush on me. I'm glad we could get past it and be friends, because I was a monster to her too. Of course I was. _

_ I tried to love her right, and I hope you don't feel betrayed. I think Cece was right – about what she said that you would want – I felt like I had your blessing. Today is so hard. It's all I can really say. Want to know what I did today for the first time in a long time…something I stopped doing when I realized my feelings for Clare?_

_ I made room in my bed, even though you are not here. _

_ It was a beautiful day today. Sunny; everyone kept saying what a surprise and oddity it was for Toronto this time of the year. But they don't know. They don't know that today was your day. I don't believe in religion, but I do take some comfort in knowing that perhaps…just today, an angel brought the sun out. _

_ Today, all was quiet in our humble home, you know. Remember…that's what we used to call it. I hope you do. _

_ All was quiet in our humble home. It was lonely, but my parents and I were not alone. Because we could hear your laugh in every room. You just heard us cry, I know. It was too hard to say good-bye today, so we held tight and we didn't let go – tonight we prayed you'll know that I made room in my bed for you even though you were not there. When we sat down at the table, no one sat in your chair. Just like every morning before I let myself fall in love again, I waited for your footsteps on the stairs. _

_ You're gone, but today you lived on in our house. _

_ Everything reminded me of a day I can't forget; black cars, black clouds, black shirt. Now everyone around me says I should be moving on, but…I'm not that strong today. So I just held tight and I didn't let go. I made room in my bed even though you weren't there. No one sat in your chair at the table today. I waited for your footsteps on the stairs. _

_ And I'm looking forward to tonight, because tonight all I hope is that if I cry myself to sleep, I can see you in a dream. I went to your grave today and I just lied down next to you. I ran my fingers through the grass pretending it was your hair. It didn't work. But there was one moment…one fleeting moment when I closed my eyes, and something happened. I closed my eyes and it was like… I couldn't see you, but I could feel you. I could just feel you, and it took my breath away. Jules, I believe in you like you always believed in me. I believe that you were the only girl to ever love me, and I think that will always stand. I'm too different now. I just want to cry myself to sleep tonight so that I can see you in a dream. I miss you so much. It's not fair. Your name shouldn't be on a metal plaque; it should be in the yearbook, or under paintings. _

_The fact that it was sunny made it hurt the most though; lying there, I could almost hear your voice. I felt you everywhere I went after that moment at the cemetery. I don't care if people think that's crazy, if they think it's the bipolar in me. Today I wore the pain like a heavy coat. I saw your smile; I saw your face; I could almost hear you laughing. Today, I couldn't believe you were gone. _

_It's not fair; you died too young. Jules, you were a story that had just begun. And death tore the pages all away. You know how I miss you, all the hell that I've been through. _

_And then I wondered who you'd be today. Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams? Would you settle down with a family? I wonder what you would name your babies, whoever their dad would be. _

_It's not fair, Jules. You were a story that had just begun, and death tore all the pages away. I wish so badly that saying good-bye wasn't a part of life. I didn't even get to say it to you. They made me leave, those evil doctors and nurses. I just wanted to lie there with you a little longer, but they said that there were things that they needed to do…take you to the morgue. All I wanted was just to lie with you for a little bit longer, but I couldn't. _

_ I can't believe that everything happens for a reason. There is no reason for this. I miss you so much, and I'm glad that you know I loved you. I'm so glad I got to know what love was with you and I will always remember what we had. It means the world to me. I'm so sorry, Julia. So sorry. _

Clare felt herself sob as she hid her face in her mom's neck.

"Clare…Helen…Eli's case is medically rather unique. I'm publishing an article on it soon; so I can help other teens who present the same way as Eli. Eli…wasn't exactly always bipolar," the doctor explained.

"What?" Clare asked.

"Eli's different. This is why it was so hard for him to get diagnosed in the first place. Bipolar medication helps him, but…bipolar is a tricky diagnosis, and in Eli's case, it was brought on…the complete and total exhaustion of his mental faculties. Eli's an intelligent boy, who exercises his mind and emotions a lot – it's no coincidence he is that writer's type – feels everything so potently, so much more than your average boy. This is a boy who can be overcome by emotion so quickly that it unnerves us all…this is the type of boy that the world loses much too soon often. Eli is…teenage Ernest Hemingway. A boy with a life so intense that…it all came crashing down on his mind. It's the complete stress that was placed on his mind, Clare. The death of the person he only wanted to protect, the danger that the next love of his life was placed in and the desperate need to protect her – there's a reason for this, Clare. Eli's concerns around Fitz were…legitimate. He was not some lunatic as it might be easy to dismiss him. There was so much stress placed on him after Julia's death, so much stress placed on his mind as he tried to keep you safe…that it all collapsed on him and broke his mind…permanently," Dr. Lane said with a sigh. "The intensity of everything was too much. It's remarkable it did not happen earlier, you know – the teenage mind is not equipped to deal with such things. Eli tried, and he hung on for a long time. A long lone time. But in the end, when Fitz returned, his mind…broke under all the stress. It was the accumulation of so much stress that his nervous system collapsed. Now he's healing, but…he's sick because of all the stress, and he will be like this for life. Whoever wants to be with him needs to offer him something particular," Dr. Lane said.

"What's that?" Clare asked.

"Unconditional love and…patience. Time to cool down; all he needs down after a fight is time to cool down. Not pressure. He just needs…gentle love, that's it," Dr. Lane said.

"Mrs. Edwards, you support Clare reuniting with Eli?" Dr. Lane asked.

"Clare," Helen said, looking at her daughter, "there is one reason that I like Eli for you, but that reason is the only one that matters to me. You see, sweetheart, at your age, it's very hard to find a boy who doesn't want just fun. Eli was never about that, and I'm very proud of you for choosing him because of that. He's smart - your grades and your biggest accomplishment, being published – all came when you were with him, and I know that is not a coincidence. But most of all, it's easy – why I like him. He keeps you safe. He crashed that car not because he wanted you to come to the hospital, but because in his manic moment, he thought it would magically solve all of your problems. He would do anything for you, but more importantly…Clare…Eli will always be there for you. When everyone else fell to the side, it was him who stood by you. Anytime if you were to call, no matter what your relationship was, Eli would answer. Every time, Clare. And there are not very many boys like that in the world. Boys who want something serious – most of them only being to want that into their 30s or 40s you know. But you could be with Eli in your last semester, in college – and I could be at peace, not wondering if some guy you're dating because he's hot is leaving you to walk home alone in the dark. I trust Eli, and out of all the boyfriends you have had, I have liked him the most. It's about more than clothing and not going to church, Clare. Eli has the morals of…well, of a real man, love. He would stand by you through everything. He'd take care of you, and my daughter, like every daughter, needs someone to take care of her. He has a bright future ahead of him, but if you're gonna be with him, you need to really be with him, Clare. You don't have a long window of time for getting back together. He's going to college soon," Helen finished as Clare's jaw dropped.

"You…both think I should try to get Eli back? That I might still have a shot?" she asked in shock.

"It ain't over 'till it's over," Dr. Lane said with a smile as Helen smiled at her daughter.

Clare's mom then gave her daughter's hands a squeeze and said, "So, looks like you and I are going shopping for a winter dance dress. I want you to look pretty when you see Eli there, his dad told me he's doing the music as he gave me Dr. Lane's contact info," Helen said with a wink.

Clare felt her heart beating faster in her chest.

XXXXXXXXX

"Delivery for you," Fiona said in a sing-song voice as she handed Eli a sealed lavender envelope.

"What's this?" he asked with a look of confusion on his face.

"Just a delivery," Imogen added with an encouraging smile. She was not the biggest fan of Clare Edwards, but the words that Clare had said to Imogen and Fiona and her teary eyes had made Imogen roll her own eyes and just give her a warning about hurting Eli ever again and she wouldn't know what scary really is. Imogen knew that Eli would always love Clare, and she also knew that her and Eli were best as friends. Eli had been fascinating, but…once that appeal was gone, so were Imogen's intense feelings for him.

"See you at frostival tonight," the girls told him with a wave as they headed off.

"What the hell," Eli muttered in confusion as he opened the envelope.

_Dear Eli, _

_ Please don't crumple this paper up when you see the name at the bottom….please. I know I don't get to ask anything of you anymore but…it's me, Clare, and if what we had meant as much to you as I know it did, you'll just give me a chance. Eli, I finished my sessions with Dr. Lane. Things are much better between my mom and I than…than they even were before you came into my life. Jake is nothing but an older brother to me now, and someone whose life values are so different than mine that I'm not sure what I was doing ever dating him. Eli…I need to talk to you. I'm hoping that you understand; Dr. Lane said you only had a few sessions with her too. So, I'm hoping you understand how I feel at the end of my therapy and you'll give me a chance. _

_ I know your dad is dropping off the equipment for the dance today, and I know you'll be helping him. But Eli…please take a few minutes away from that and meet me at our bench. Just leave; there's a shortcut from the school to our bench. Why don't you take it, Eli? Please take it. _

_ You don't have to give me an answer right now or reply to this letter. Just know that I'll be waiting at our bench at 9pm tonight. It would mean everything to me if you came, Eli. _

_ Love, _

_ Clare. _

Eli could not be more surprised by the contents of the letter.

"I'm cursed," he said to himself, but there was nothing but a huge smirk on his face.

XXXXXXXXXXX

She was folding down her black dress with shaking hands as a deep sigh of disappointment escaped her.

This was a horrible feeling. It made her like the lowest person in the world.

Abandoned. Deserted. Worthless, as she waited by herself on the bench that held so many memories.

Of course he didn't come. He didn't have any reason to. He had every reason to give her a taste of her own medicine. What did her pretty, form-fitting black dress matter? What did it matter that she was playing with the ring that he gave her? What does it matter that her mom had put on her make-up, giving her black smoky eyes as she joked that Eli would like that especially. What did it matter that her curls were impeccable, bouncing with every movement of her head as she heard a noise and looked up full of hope only to be disappointed? What did it matter that she felt pretty?

There was no one to feel pretty for, and she only wanted to look pretty for one boy in the world.

She knew how he felt now, and she didn't like it. She was completely broken-hearted as she hugged herself on the cold bench.

It was only when she felt a cool leather jacket drape across her from behind that she jolted.

"Toronto winter not the best for dresses with no coats," she then heard and…it was his voice. No one else's but his.

As she turned around, there he was…smirking at her in amusement and even chuckling at her. God, did he look handsome, she thought. She had only seen him wearing slacks one other time, and she had been too busy with her Jake troubles to register it. They were black while his dress shirt was a dark blue, and he had a black tie loosely draped around his neck. The first few buttons of his dress shirt were undone, and Clare's gaze wondered up and down his body as Eli's smirk got a little bigger in happy satisfaction at her reaction time.

"You look so beautiful," he then said softly, sounding as if he was a little far away.

"Thank you," Clare said with a blush and tiny exhale that made Eli want to kiss her right then and there.

"Jacket though, really," he said, adjusting it around her only to take a very laborious, conscientious step backwards.

"Thank you," Clare repeated. "I thought you weren't coming," she then said shyly.

"What are you talking about Edwards, I'm right on time," Eli said as he pointed to his watch.

"Really?" Clare said, and she realized that he was right. She had just come so early that she had let her mind run away with her stress…she could only imagine how being stood up would have felt.

"Thank you for coming, Eli. To our bench," she said softly.

"Just a bench," Eli said with a shrug as Clare deflated at once.

"It's not! It's ours," Clare said in a whine.

"Clare…only my…bipolar, manic mind would make a bench more than a bench. I get it now, you don't have to play pretend with me," Eli said, and she recoiled in shame.

"I'm so sorry I said those things," Clare breathed.

"There's no need to apologize. You didn't say anything that wasn't true. Why would you be sorry?" Eli asked.

"Because! I am sorry, Eli! For everything. I'm sorry I stood you up, I'm sorry I left you," Clare finally said.

"Clare, don't ever be sorry for doing the right thing – and leaving me was the right thing. I was out of control, and it took me a long time and a lot of professional help and parental support to get me under control. It was not a job for you. The only people I can lean on are my parents. It's the only thing that is appropriate," Eli said with a shrug, his green eyes hitting Clare's spot-on.

"But why? Why is it that I can selfish lean on you, taking all you've got and you're not even mad that I can't support you when you need it the most?" Clare asked, now in hysterics.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, Clare," Eli gently said. "You can't compare what happened to you to the kind of support I needed. Clare, I'm messy. Really messy. It takes a doctor to deal with me, medication, come on. Don't feel guilty," Eli said.

"I can't believe you're not even the slightest bit mad at me," Clare replied.

"Well, if it helps, I was. But then I saw clearly and I realized that I asked you to promise something that… Clare, I didn't know what I was making you promise. If I had known, I never would have made you promise me anything. I just…I came here to tell you that. I just really, really need you to know that, okay? That promise was nullified, because I didn't know what I was asking. I never would have asked you to, if I realized what…what I was," Eli said, casting his eyes to the ground.

"Eli?" Clare then asked shyly.

"Yeah?" Eli replied as he turned to look at her.

"Thank you," Clare said poignantly.

"For what?" he asked, surprised.

"For everything. You were on my side even when I was wrong. You were always looking out for me. At the cabin, you came to look for me. With the play, you gave a wonderful portrayal of me that I'm not sure I entirely deserved. When I was in trouble and scared because I got mixed in with the wrong crowd, you…helped me. It was you who stayed with me in the hospital, buying me everything you could think of, and just…just never leaving me alone," Clare said emotionally.

"Well…thank you for letting me be there for you," Eli replied meaningfully.

"Eli?" Clare then softly asked as she hated all the physical and spiritual space between them.

"You came here to tell me that, and now it's my turn to tell you what I want to tell you," Clare shyly started. She then inhaled deeply and her voice was full of confidence as she said, "I came to tell you that I loved you. You think I didn't love you, but you're wrong, Eli. I've never loved anyone like I love you," Clare confessed.

"Loved," Eli said with a sad smirk.

"No, Eli," Clare said as she moved right to his side. "Not loved…love. Love, Eli. I need you understand something…that person who paraded Jake in front of you within days of us being broken up, that person who disrespected everything we had by getting involved with Jake so early on, that person who….erased you out of my memory once Jake entered my life, that person who didn't talk to you after the wonderful play that took so much out of you emotionally, that person who didn't even thank you at the cabin, that person who was so mean and childish and immature, that person who ignorantly equated you with a condition that Dr. Lane says doesn't even apply to you fully, that person…Eli, that person isn't me," Clare finally said, gently taking Eli's hands in her own.

"Clare…I know that. I've always known that," Eli said, and Clare burst out into wild tears.

"Woah, woah, did I do something wrong? I'm sorry," Eli panicked at once.

"Hug me!" Clare then yelled, her voice muffled through her hands.

Eli obeyed at once, pulling her in tightly and gently running his fingers through her curls as he softly repeated, "It's okay. Shh. Shh. It's okay. But you gotta stop crying so hard, love," he said.

"What?" Clare asked, her breath on Eli's neck in their embrace.

"You gotta stop crying so hard, shh, shh, we'll figure it out, whatever it is," Eli softly said as he gently held her.

"No, after. What did you say after that?" Clare pushed.

"Um…nothing," Eli awkwardly answered.

He then felt Clare gently pull out of their embrace and her eyes were red and teary as she said, "Eli…you're the only person who feels that way, you know. You're the only person who believed in me, even when I didn't deserve your trust. Even when I only thought that you love someone when it is convenient for you," Clare said emotionally.

"Clare…shh. It's okay. You've had a rough time lately. You're allowed to make mistakes. You're human," Eli pointed out.

"But Eli…I did so many bad things," Clare whispered in horror.

"You're talking to the king of mistake after mistake. Clare…you're not someone who does bad things. If anything…you're too…good. You care too much, you love too much…you give too much," Eli said as he caressed her cheek.

"No, Eli," Clare said categorically, shaking her head. "That's you," she said softly. "You're the most forgiving, the most non-judgemental person that I know," Clare added.

"Eli…" she then whined painfully, burrowing deeper in his embrace as she felt his arms pull her in tightly and she felt his chest shivering slightly.

"Eli…there's nothing better than this. There is nothing better in the world than a hug from Eli," Clare said contently as she smiled and flung her arms around his waist, pulling him in to the point where Eli was wondering if two bodies could actually be smashed together.

"Nothing that I've done…not all the mistakes that I made…all the ways I let him touch me…nothing compares to a hug from you," Clare said tearfully.

"Know why?" she then said, but her frantic speech didn't allow Eli to respond. "Because love trumps lust. Because love is real, Eli, and there's no love stronger than your love. My mom is right. Your love is friendship and care and safety put together. Eli…your scent was on my purple blanket, the one you gave me in the hospital and that I took home," Clare said, laying all of her cards on the table. "I took it home, and I slept with it every night, because I wanted it to chase away the memories of all of my mistakes. But Eli…I slept with it every night, and it kept me…happy…and made me feel…protected," Clare said, choosing that word on a very calculated purpose. She didn't mind Eli's protective instincts anymore, as Dr. Lane had explained to her that they were so fierce not because of Julia, or Fitz, or because of Eli's condition. It was because…he was his father's son, was how Dr. Lane had explained it to Clare. It was because Eli had grown up learning to always stand up for the innocent and the weak, Dr. Lad had said, making her mind flash back to how Eli had defended Adam to Fitz before he even really knew Adam.

"Eli…so I slept with it…and what I loved most was that it had your scent…just like your jacket. But eventually my mom washed it…and Eli, that scent is gone now. So I asked you to come here tonight…to ask you if maybe I could have it back," Clare said, pulling out of his embrace to look him right in the eye, full of confidence.

"Clare…" Eli sighed, "I'm not…I'm not sure that you can have it back," Eli said, feeling so outside of his own body.

"Oh. Okay, okay," Clare said, tears forming in her eyes as she nodded her head and pulled out of Eli's arms at once and stood up.

When she felt him gently grab her arm and turn her around, she was reminded so much of their first days together, and how he had been the only one to really listen to her concerns and try to get them heard and solved. Not written off with some idea that always came back to…physical fun and nothing else, Clare now realized.

"Woah, hang on there, Edwards. I'm…I'm not sure that you can have it back…but…I'm willing to give it a shot," Eli said with a smirk.

"You are?" Clare asked in a shaky voice.

"Clare, I need to point out that just a few days you were saying you can't have a manic boyfriend," Eli replied.

"You're not manic!" Clare then shouted at once. "You're Eli! You're my Eli, and I don't want you to be anybody else's! Eli, I know I hurt you badly and that I don't deserve this chance, but I sure would like it. I can prove it to you…that I am worthy of you," Clare said with tears in her eyes.

"Clare, it's me who is not worthy of you," Eli said as he shook his head.

"You are the best boyfriend I have ever had. You would never leave me alone, Eli. You…you have shown me what true love is. I never knew until…until you, Eli. What I thought love was…it's a joke. Eli, Dr. Lane and my mom agree, you know. They both said we should do this," Clare pointed out.

"Hold the phone – you talked to Dr. Lane about me?" Eli asked.

"Of course, Eli. I talked to Dr. Lane about the most important things in my life. And your love is the most important thing in mine, and I really would like another chance at it," Clare said.

"And they said yes? Both of them?" Eli repeated.

"Yes," Clare replied.

"Clare…I'm always going to do the wrong thing. I'm always going to say the wrong thing," Eli began -

"No. You're not. We'll have fights, Eli, but we can get through them. Know why?" Clare asked.

"Why?" Eli replied.

"Because we are best friends. You and I…are long-term. Eli…I needed to go through things too, you know. Just like you did. I needed a Jake type. Because like my mom told me, I got lucky with you…I met the best type of boy that there is, my mom said. And I didn't appreciate it, because I didn't know how rare it was. Jake taught me how rare it is, Eli, but I don't care about him. All I care about is what's ours. And I promise I won't let anything come in between us ever again. No one gets to interfere with what is ours, Eli. Not Alli, not Fitz, not Jake, no one. You and me, Eli, best friends and…in love. That is…if you think that you could still love me," Clare said.

"Clare –" Eli replied softly, and she could hear the hesitancy in his voice.

"Eli…please…I have to believe that if…that if in your heart of hearts you really know that the person who I've been lately isn't who I want to be…then I have to believe that you'll give me another chance," Clare replied.

"Clare…it's not that. It's that…I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you again," Eli confessed.

"Eli…you won't. Because I won't push you anymore; I pushed you whenever I was unhappy. I pushed you to be with me when you were still dealing with Julia stress, I pushed you into always doing what I wanted when I wanted it…I made it all about me," Clare said.

"But you're my love, of course it's all about you," Eli said, kicking himself mentally for the use of tense.

"No, Eli…it's about us," Clare said, taking his hands gently in his again.

"Only us," she repeated as she moved forward slowly and felt Eli's breath hitch before she placed her lips right on top of his. She felt his entire body tremble as she kissed him softly and he stood still. She knew that he couldn't move; because for a moment, it wasn't just his lips that stood still. Eli's whole word was standing still. But when it was awoken, it was done so by an earthquake – a powerful invasion of love and energy as he pulled Clare closer, gently massaging her back as he kissed her without any reservation – and her surprised gasp thrilled Eli to no end as he took advantage and slowed down the kiss, kissing her softly as their lips met over and again with nothing but…patient trust. It left both of their bodies shaking in their embrace, and as Clare's hands traveled down his chest, she could tell that the beat of his heart was jumping through his chest.

"Oh my God," Clare gasped as she pulled away, her entire body shivering. "Best kiss…of my life," she whispered against Eli's lips before engaging him in more, playing with his tie and giggling her way through an entire new set of kisses, her body infused with too much happiness to be able to control herself. She moved her entire body to Eli's lap, grateful that they were all alone on the street, and as his hand caressed her knee, she felt her entire body almost melt into Eli at his patient kisses. They were even better that his hugs. They were…unlike Clare had ever experienced before. They always carried an emotional intensity that told her just how much he loved her and how he was happy to have her…because now that she was with him, nothing bad would ever happen to her again – he wouldn't let it. His kisses were accompanied by gentle caresses of her cheek and arm, and he'd push her bangs and curls away as he kissed them as well, slowly and tenderly.

"God, I love you," Clare said with a breathy moan as she pulled away for Eli so she could look into his eyes.

"Clare…will you let me take you to the dance? Adam headed over there with Bianca, my guess is they're gonna hang out together," Eli then asked with red cheeks, messy hair, and an incredibly crooked tie.

"Eli…I would love that…thank you," Clare said emotionally, knowing that of course he would. In that moment, she knew that had she said to him that she wanted him at the dance, and not just rudely told him not to come if he didn't like it, he would have taken her. Of course he would have taken her.

"Eli," Clare then giggled as she looked at him, "You have pink lip gloss on your entire face…and neck," Clare then said with a fit of even more giggles.

"Well, then my girlfriend better control herself," Eli replied with a smug smirk.

"She can't," Clare shot back with a mischievous smile, "She has a lot of lost kisses to make up for, and no one is gonna stop her," she said, pausing right before his lips.

"Not even gonna try," Eli smugly replied as he leaned back on the bench, only to surprise Clare and start a kiss himself, an especially slow but loving one that made Clare reward him with a series of soft moans as she tangled her fingers in his hair.

"I can't wait to spend the entire night dancing in your arms," Clare then said after recovering her wits.

"Me either. I love you Clare…I've always loved you," Eli replied, his eyes shining in the darkness of the night.

"Eli…I'm gonna love you…forever and ever," Clare said with a bright smile as she intertwined the fingers of her left hand with Eli's, and he felt her body shiver in pleasure when he rotated the ring that he had placed on her finger as he held her hand.

"Forever sounds perfect to me," he whispered in her ear before playfully lifting her in his arms and twirling her around in front of the bench as Clare's eyes now shone with tears of absolute bliss and excitement for a future of her and Eli studying and working for each other, supporting and leaning on each other…forever. She knew that she had gotten what she always wanted.

As she looked down at Eli's fingers intertwined within her own and then directly into her eyes, Clare Edwards knew that she had found a true, once in a life time love. She had something that everyone was looking for; something that most people waited their whole lives for and it never came around. And she knew she would not give up on it so easily again; she would only hold on, letting go of all the fears that a divorce and other boyfriends had placed in her mind. She would not fear. And she knew that if moments did come in which she feared love, Eli's gentle guidance and patient support could carry her through. It always had.


End file.
